Levigirl is offline Levigirl Post #1  August 15,2009, 12:55pm
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Hi everyone....

I'm having some family issues that have been going on for some time now and I'm feel like I'm at the end of my rope with it all...

I was in a 20yr relationship that ended in a divorce. I have been away from him for almost 7 years now. Right after I left him He moved in with my sister and brother in law. He lived there through the entire divorce and finally moved in with his mother a couple week afterwards. That put a wedge in my relationship with my sister (really the whole family). He defence was that he has no where to go and we can't just though him out. I felt it was a huge conflict of interest. Consequently my kids and I moved away (three hours away). After he left things slowly started to resolve it's self but, always and underline issue with "he's been a part of out family for a long time & we just can't disregard that"

Up until the last year things have been ok (I guess) they cover for him regarding his obligation to his kids, they have regular movie dates i.e with my my brother, dad and brother in law, etc. which I have tolerated. I must add that I'm never invited to the movies with them even when I ask my dad or brother they have other things going on (remember I live 3 hours way and don't get to see them all the much, my ex lives close to them) there have have been a few other things but in the past year things have became almost unbearable for me.

A year ago when my brother got married they gave him an assigned seat in the front . Mine was in at least the 3rd row. I was pretty hurt but covered it up as I didn't want to ruin my brothers wedding. earlier this summer my sister invited me and the boys to go to a six flags she ended up having my ex and the kids go with him and totally disregarded me. that really hurt me (this just happened a couple months ago) Today is my niece 18th birthday I saw him in the invite list ( here father wasn't even invited) each on of there incidents was with each one of my three siblings.

I feel that they have totally disregarded my feeling. If it weren't for the kids I would have walked away way back when he was living with my sister but, I have not wanted the kids to suffer because of all this. I would really miss my nephews and niece so. I realize that there is going to be some communication between them but they have basically choosing water over blood. I have tried talking to them about it but they feel that it's my problem.

Today I'm ready to give them an ultimatum him or me. It hurts so bad. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I would have never in a million years thought they would react this way. I'm afraid to talk to people about it as I'm afraid they will judge me and think I'm a bad person to have my family respond this way.

There are some I could go on about but I think you get the idea. put yourself in my shoes and really give this some thought. I'm ready to write them a "Dear john letter"
 
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Robecology is offline Robecology Post #2  August 15,2009, 4:09pm

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You need to do something drastic, but not harsh. Being a nurse, you can easily start a new job in another town/state. Make the move. Seek out a top position that will reward your experience, then pack up and move. Without harsh words. Without threats of moving. Just do it.
Your family has lost a lot of respect for you- and the reasons are your side of the story - so you can bet their side of the story includes some harsh criticism against you. You need a boost in self esteem - a new job in a new town might be the fresh start you need. You'll make new friends, and in time the relatives who miss you will visit you, and you'll have drawn the line in the sand and held your head up, instead of taking a mental beating...
 
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ThoughtfulWoman is offline ThoughtfulWoman Post #3  August 15,2009, 7:11pm
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HI Levi,

I'm so sorry you're feeling rejected by your family. I really don't think it's intentional on their part and I certainly recommend NOT to break things off with your family.

In my family, we see more of my ex sister in law than we do of my brother (he lives about 3 hours away, she just 1/2 hr). After a 20 year relationship with the family, I believe your family just sees that you are two people who could not get along. I would suppose that your sisters husband actually became a friend of your ex and he feels that he is closer to your ex than to you. Your sister, is probably caught in the middle somewhat of what's seen as her husbands good friend and you. She is opting to keep her marriage harmonious by allowing her husband to continue the relationship he had with your ex.

My advice would be to try to ignore what happens between your ex and your family - stop comparing and just look at him as a friend of the family that you happened to be married to. It's the same with children or friends, you don't expect them to choose sides when the marriage ends. The wedding thing with him given an assigned seat up front seems odd, perhaps you misunderstood? Or, is he one of the best buddies of your brother? I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and would have excused it away, such as his date was actually a bridesmaid, etc.

When I divorced from my first husband, I was still invited to all family events with his mother and my ex was fine with that fact. It was more of a way to keep things somewhat together for the kids. And, I had become family. He has since passed away and I continue to visit his mother, helping her with the house and in mowing her lawn, etc. I call her "Grandma" and even my youngest child, from my second husband calls her "Grandma" (though she knows she's not a blood granny).

Since I saw this not only with my ex's family but with my family in my brothers divorce, I see it as a normal way for people to react in the case of divorce. For you, I know it's heated and emotional and I'm not sure how to "put out" those emotions - I can hear how hurt you are feeling.

I wish you the best of luck with this situation and hope you can find a way to have it not bother you so much. In the past, when I've been furious over something I feel is wrong, I pray for the person or persons that I am angry with and find that it helps to subdue the emotions.

Take care,

Thoughtful Woman
 
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