DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #1  August 26,2009, 3:54am
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We read a lot about having to date someone with a lot of baggage. Where does baggage come from and how do you get rid of it?

It is my understanding that baggage is carried when life's catastrophic events and experiences aren't dealt with in a healthy way. Is forgiveness one of those key tools that people use to handle and eventually dispense with baggage like divorce and the death of a loved one? What role does acceptance play?

How do you deal with baggage?
 
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awol71 is offline awol71 Post #2  August 26,2009, 2:57pm
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That's an interesting subject, Dennis. I think we all have different ways of dealing with our baggage.

First off, I just want to insist on the definition of "baggage" here : "Experiences that aren't dealt with in a healthy way." The important thing to remember is that experiences that have been dealt in a healthy way with are no longer "baggage".

And I'll just remark in passing that in this sense, dating someone with a lot of baggage is not a good idea. I like to say it like this : you shouldn't date/marry your pupils nor your patients. Pity and compassion and false hopes aren't enough to serve as a foundation for a successful romantic relationship (love is a very different thing). You shouldn't date people because of what you dream that they could one day be, maybe. Your expectations have to be realistic. People who can't handle their own baggage are an accident waiting to happen. My personal experience has been that it just doesn't work out : deal with your own baggage and date people who have done the same.

By now, I've figured out the trick to prevent further baggage from accumulating : keep my intentions clean and good (stick with the golden rule), make sure I act after having assessed the situation as well as I possibly can in the circumstances, and accept that I can make mistakes (just like everyone else). When I realize I've made a mistake, then I fix things as best I can and move on. You can't blame yourself if you do this. If you hold yourself to superhuman standards, then your baggage just grows and grows.

That said, here's how I deal with my own baggage. I don't have any issues that I've repressed completely (that I'm aware of ). And I tend to be very straightforward with myself and with others. Sometimes, I'm even quite tactless (I'm misguided enough to think this is a good thing). So it's a case of "keep it simple" : assess the situation (including what I'm doing and what I have done) as honestly and correctly as possible. If I realize I made an error, then I see if there's anything I can do now to repair any wrong doing. It there's something to do, then I do it.

For the most part, the past ceased to be baggage once I understood it and accepted it. Understanding some event, in this respect, means roughly to assess, honestly and accurately, how far my responsibility went. I had many issues with experiences that were very "embarrassing" to me. Basically, I was overly self-conscious and somewhat insecure, and this apparently stemmed from a very simple inability to accept that I can make mistakes, too.

So, all in all, my trick really boils down to those two words : I accept that I'm only human and I've learned to forgive myself. Do my best, fix my mistakes, be nice to others. And, there's also not blaming myself for the things I'm not responsible for. As a result, I don't live in the past. I remember my past, but I don't look forward to it. I live in the present and for the future. I think a lot more about what I am doing right now, and where this will lead me, than about what I did (or even what was done to me) years ago.

Forgiving other people for the wrongs they have done to me has always been pretty easy, comparatively speaking. I've been fortunate enough to know many more good people than bad people. To me, most "bad people" are really just "misguided good people." And those are easy to forgive. I realize it may be much harder to forgive others when you have a more pessimistic view of their intentions.

But, in any event, the simple and obvious fact of the matter is, when someone else has done something bad to me, I'm not to blame. There's no sense in turning their wrong doings into baggage of mine.
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #3  August 26,2009, 3:17pm
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I love what you wrote!

I don't know about you but I know I have at times gotten lost on this one idea that you wrote:

"Understanding some event, in this respect, means roughly to assess, honestly and accurately, how far my responsibility went."

This one has been a real killer for me in the past. For many people, this could perhaps be responsible for a lot of lingering baggage?
 
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awol71 is offline awol71 Post #4  August 28,2009, 8:23am
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DennisWisconsin wrote :
I love what you wrote!

I don't know about you but I know I have at times gotten lost on this one idea that you wrote:

"Understanding some event, in this respect, means roughly to assess, honestly and accurately, how far my responsibility went."

This one has been a real killer for me in the past. For many people, this could perhaps be responsible for a lot of lingering baggage?
I have to agree. As I understand it, in psychotherapy, the main objective is getting the patient to become aware of the real problem. The second part is finding a realistic solution. The success of both steps depends a lot on how well the patient can understand the problem and how clearly they can see the extent of their involvement.

Problems can arise both from refusing to acknowledge our own responsibility and from trying to take responsibility for other people's actions. I've been guilty of both.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #5  August 28,2009, 3:04pm
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My 1st husband was a control freak (and a hard-drinking one at that - what fun!) so I had a lot of anger when I left after 13 years, and just a bit of an attitude problem. Many decisions I made were based more on what would pi$$ him off as oppossed to what was best for me. I never involved the kids in those decisions, just lame choices, like what to have for dinner ("He always hated that"), job choices, where to put the furniture, etc.

He would jerk me around, paying his child support just enough behind to make my rent late, calling and accusing me of things I didn't do, and I would never let him have the satisfaction of seeing me angry, but it was definitely there.

I was venting about him to my mom one day, and she told me, as long as his existence had any part in my decisions, he was STILL controlling me, even if it was just in going against his wishes.

That was a huge step for me, and allowed me to throw a very large piece of baggage into the dumpster and move on.

The other issue we had was that he would drink very heavily and do his best to intimidate me physically. I'm not quite sure why, but I was too embarassed to ever talk about it, and so it continued for most of those 13 years. Eventually, I did let on to a good friend, and seeing the horror on her face was definitely a wakeup call. It forced me to confront my life and make some scary choices.

Now I live my life very much in the open, probably more so than the average person is comfortable with. But being that open keeps me from putting myself into situations that are unwise and unhealthy for me. If I'm in a relationship where I feel the need to hide things, I know it can't be good, and the people that love me will call me on it.

So now I just have a very small purse full of baggage, not the steamer trunk I used to have.
 
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Diann1950 is offline Diann1950 Post #6  August 29,2009, 5:22am
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By the time we reach a certain age we all have baggage and most of the people we are involved with do too, so the question becomes how do we/they handle the load. If the baggage is controlling their life, then dealing with that should be their first priority. If the baggage is in it's proper place, then go on with life.
 
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