propchick is offline propchick Post #1  January 8,2010, 7:44pm
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believes life's all about wandering off on tangents.

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Hi, all!

I've been trying to work focusing on the positives, and looking ahead instead of back. (If you didn't see it before, you can catch up on my screwy history in, "Is it possible to be too damaged for love?") A few weeks ago (3 or 4), I started talking with a guy on eHa, and he seemed very friendly and nice. You'd be proud of me, I think, because I even got past a couple of "panic points", when he asked for my phone number (I wasn't comfortable with that, so I politely told him that I'd rather continue talking online, which he seemed fine with), and this past weekend, when he told me he was going to be in town on business these last few days, and wanted to meet me for lunch somewhere. (He lives two cities over.)

Lunch was supposed to be today, but I realized after I woke up that I was having a bad heart day, probably due to the weird weather, and wouldn't be able to make it. He didn't know about that yet, and I didn't want to spring it on him that way, because it would sound so over-the-top fake. Instead, I told a small lie about getting called into my volunteer job -- it was actually a true story, but it happened last week. Yes, it wasn't right to lie, but I really was too ill to go, and had backed myself into a corner. (Sort of like Lucy Ricardo once said, "You don't tell the truth -- everybody'll think you're lying. You tell a lie, so everybody will think you're telling the truth!") I definitely felt bad about the lie, but it genuinely wasn't done out of any malicious intent. We had talked about the volunteer work before, so he already knew about it, and knew it involved children, and that it's important to me.

I sent the email as soon as I realized that there was no way that I would be able to go, making sure that he had at least two hours of notice. (He's got an iPhone, so he gets his email within minutes.) I was worried about it, because he didn't reply in any way, and I had no other way to contact him. I considered calling the restaurant, but figured that he certainly would check his email before heading there, since he didn't suggest a meeting time until very late last night, so he would need to see if that time was even good with me.

All afternoon there was still no reply, so I thought that he was waiting until he got home (he was leaving today) to send me a note. Instead, when I logged on to eHa tonight, I found that without a word, he had Closed me!

So here's where I need the reality check: leaving aside, for the moment, the fact that the reason I gave him was not the correct reason, and working on the assumption that he had no cause to doubt that it was the legitimate cause of my canceling the lunch (it was, I believe, at least an equally valid excuse), does his reaction seem immature? After almost a month of exchanging emails, he didn't ask me questions about what I told him, he didn't send me a, "Sorry it didn't work out" reply, didn't even say, "Hey, what's the deal with you canceling?" I gave him a very valid reason for needing to cancel what was a very casual appointment to meet, and his only reaction was to run home and Close me, like he's punishing me with a Time Out?

And yes, let me say again that I know that the lie shouldn't have happened, but it just didn't seem right to say, "Sorry, can't make it today because my chronic severe cardiac condition that I haven't gotten around to mentioning to you is flaring up...". (I was going to tell him about it today, in person.) I didn't know what else to do, and, while I'm not trying to hide behind this, I was raised in a family that lied as a matter of course, so I often really DON'T know any other way to handle situations besides lying. I'm trying to learn, but for now, that's still my basic programming.
Last edited by propchick; January 8,2010 at 7:47pm. Reason: Removing a stray question mark.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #2  January 9,2010, 1:37pm
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Couldn't you have just said that you weren't feeling well? In this cold/flu season, I doubt any further explanation would have been required.

He might have closed you anyway, but at least you'd not have the secondary question of "should I have lied?" hanging over you. And I suspect it is, because otherwise you might have just asked something to the effect of "I had to cancel a date a couple of hour before it happened; was it fair of him to close me for this?"
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #3  January 9,2010, 4:19pm
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It's not right to lie?... why isn't it... this person is a stranger. It's a white lie and hurt no one.

And I don't understand... he went home and closed you out.. then you say there was a month of emails after... ?

You also never said "next week would be good"

You say your explanation was reasonable but not honest...ok, well why would he ask you to justify it? Wouldn't that be prying in a strangers life and wouldn't you resent that?

I agree with iconography.
Last edited by WeDesignOurLives; January 9,2010 at 4:22pm.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  January 12,2010, 1:54pm

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I see a huge difference between being untruthful due to a medical issue you don't feel comfortable in discussing in an email to a Big Fat Lie.

For some reason, our western culture sets great store in The Truth in All Things-even if it is an unrealistic concept to expect everyone to live up to. I'm sure there are biblical quotations a plenty that will tell us all how we should behave, but frankly, I find it best to just try and be honest with myself.

If you are true to yourself, and you were being true to yourself in this instance, then you did nothing wrong. Sure, had you more time with this person you might have explained, but you don't owe a stranger any explanation other than the gentle one you gave. Nor does he owe you an explanation as to why he chose to close you.

People pass thru our lives and until and unless we actually have a relationship with them, and define the terms of that relationship, we have no obligation to them.
 
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