Nounou is offline Nounou Post #1  November 1,2009, 6:43am
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I have been with my partner for a year now and the relationship is not a happy one!I met him through a dating agency and he is a widower in his early 40's with 2 children aged 9 and 13!His wife sadly died of cancer 6 months previously to meeting me!At first i was put off by the fact he joined the dating agency only 6 months after she passed away but his mum and himself reassured me he was ready to move on as by his explanation the person he had loved had gone and knowing she was terminally ill he had learned to gradually let go?At first the passion and romance was overwhelming as he was very affectionate loving fun to be with!Things started to move on very quickly [too quickly my friends thought!]We met in October he asked me to move in in December he proposed to me in February and before all that we even talked about having a child together and we consulted a private specialist to talk about having his vasectomy reversed!S o i thought though the relationship was rocky from the start[he broke up with me many times and we always got back together]that the man was genuine making all those serios plans with me introducing me into his children lives so soon he seemed to be sure about his feelings for me!In my mind every time we had a major fall out i found myself making allowances for what he had gone through and his children too but lately he treats me with indifference at best and sometimes he is downright horrible to me too often!I have been on anti depressants since all our trouble started and as i have always suffered from insecurity he has always managed to make me believe that the failings in our relationship are my doing[his track record better than mine ie only 2 relationships in his life where i am now 47 and never had a particularly successful relationship]I feel responsible for the kids and grown to care for them though his youngest is hard to get on with[very moody and changeable like her dad!]!Once back in July we broke up and said to myself this is it no going back but after a week he contacted me begged me to come back said he had realized how much he loved needed me and couldnt leave without me!He was crying i had never stopped loving him and when said he would do anything to put things right i gave in!For a week it was bliss and the man i had fallen for seemed to be back but sadlt within a week it was nothing had happened and we were back to up and down!My question is has anyone been in a similar crazy situation ie in a relationship with a recently widowed man?has his behaviour anything to do with his loss[could he be taking it out on me?]Sorry for going for for so long but would appreciate any feedbacks?Many thanks
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #2  November 1,2009, 9:16pm
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Nounou wrote :
I have been with my partner for a year now and the relationship is not a happy one!I met him through a dating agency and he is a widower in his early 40's with 2 children aged 9 and 13!His wife sadly died of cancer 6 months previously to meeting me!At first i was put off by the fact he joined the dating agency only 6 months after she passed away but his mum and himself reassured me he was ready to move on as by his explanation the person he had loved had gone and knowing she was terminally ill he had learned to gradually let go?At first the passion and romance was overwhelming as he was very affectionate loving fun to be with!Things started to move on very quickly [too quickly my friends thought!]We met in October he asked me to move in in December he proposed to me in February and before all that we even talked about having a child together and we consulted a private specialist to talk about having his vasectomy reversed!S o i thought though the relationship was rocky from the start[he broke up with me many times and we always got back together]that the man was genuine making all those serios plans with me introducing me into his children lives so soon he seemed to be sure about his feelings for me!In my mind every time we had a major fall out i found myself making allowances for what he had gone through and his children too but lately he treats me with indifference at best and sometimes he is downright horrible to me too often!I have been on anti depressants since all our trouble started and as i have always suffered from insecurity he has always managed to make me believe that the failings in our relationship are my doing[his track record better than mine ie only 2 relationships in his life where i am now 47 and never had a particularly successful relationship]I feel responsible for the kids and grown to care for them though his youngest is hard to get on with[very moody and changeable like her dad!]!Once back in July we broke up and said to myself this is it no going back but after a week he contacted me begged me to come back said he had realized how much he loved needed me and couldnt leave without me!He was crying i had never stopped loving him and when said he would do anything to put things right i gave in!For a week it was bliss and the man i had fallen for seemed to be back but sadlt within a week it was nothing had happened and we were back to up and down!My question is has anyone been in a similar crazy situation ie in a relationship with a recently widowed man?has his behaviour anything to do with his loss[could he be taking it out on me?]Sorry for going for for so long but would appreciate any feedbacks?Many thanks
Please contact LifeRebuilder asap. She can help you with this HUGE problem that you are trying to cope with.
As for myself, I'd ask you, are you happy? If not, you need to do something about it.One thing I would tell you as it is my mantra, If a man won't treat you with LOVE and RESPECT before marriage, he certainly won't treat you that way after marriage. And every human deserves that, so you need to find someone who will treat you as the LADY you are. Do you feel as though you deserve less? Does he compare you to his late wife? Do you ever measure up to her? If not, what are you waiting for? Do you think counselling would help? Is he happy? I can bet he isn't either. I would leave him asap, because if he isn't abusing you yet, he most likely will. You're not good for each other either. Who does the most chores? You, I'd bet. Unless, you can get the two of you into counselling, I'd say that it's time to cut him loose. I hope this helps. Please let us know how you are. Suzie
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #3  November 3,2009, 12:33pm
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Nounou wrote :
I have been with my partner for a year now and the relationship is not a happy one!
...
Things started to move on very quickly [too quickly my friends thought!]
...
i thought though the relationship was rocky from the start[he broke up with me many times
...
but lately he treats me with indifference at best and sometimes he is downright horrible to me too often!I have been on anti depressants since all our trouble started and as i have always suffered from insecurity he has always managed to make me believe that the failings in our relationship are my doing[his track record (better? or just shorter?) than mine ie only 2 relationships in his life where i am now 47 and never had a particularly successful relationship]I feel responsible for the kids (why do you feel responsible for his kids?) and grown to care for them though his youngest is hard to get on with[very moody and changeable like her dad!]!
...
Many thanks
His short track record means nothing if he was as manipulative and abusive to them as he is to you. That could just mean he was very controlling and kept them under his thumb.
Yes, treating you badly is abuse even if he doesn't physically hit you yet.

You are not responsible for someone else's kids!
He is taking advantage of your insecurity to use you. He is being manipulative and controlling and you are allowing it to happen. That kind of behavior doesn't suddenly appear just because of grief. That's a fundamental character flaw which at his age is not likely to change.

If you don't like it the way it is, get out now. Because it will only get worse.
 
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LifeRebuilder is offline LifeRebuilder Post #4  November 3,2009, 11:31pm
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Nounou wrote :
I have been with my partner for a year now and the relationship is not a happy one!I met him through a dating agency and he is a widower in his early 40's with 2 children aged 9 and 13!His wife sadly died of cancer 6 months previously to meeting me!At first i was put off by the fact he joined the dating agency only 6 months after she passed away but his mum and himself reassured me he was ready to move on as by his explanation the person he had loved had gone and knowing she was terminally ill he had learned to gradually let go?At first the passion and romance was overwhelming as he was very affectionate loving fun to be with!Things started to move on very quickly [too quickly my friends thought!]We met in October he asked me to move in in December he proposed to me in February and before all that we even talked about having a child together and we consulted a private specialist to talk about having his vasectomy reversed!S o i thought though the relationship was rocky from the start[he broke up with me many times and we always got back together]that the man was genuine making all those serios plans with me introducing me into his children lives so soon he seemed to be sure about his feelings for me!In my mind every time we had a major fall out i found myself making allowances for what he had gone through and his children too but lately he treats me with indifference at best and sometimes he is downright horrible to me too often!I have been on anti depressants since all our trouble started and as i have always suffered from insecurity he has always managed to make me believe that the failings in our relationship are my doing[his track record better than mine ie only 2 relationships in his life where i am now 47 and never had a particularly successful relationship]I feel responsible for the kids and grown to care for them though his youngest is hard to get on with[very moody and changeable like her dad!]!Once back in July we broke up and said to myself this is it no going back but after a week he contacted me begged me to come back said he had realized how much he loved needed me and couldnt leave without me!He was crying i had never stopped loving him and when said he would do anything to put things right i gave in!For a week it was bliss and the man i had fallen for seemed to be back but sadlt within a week it was nothing had happened and we were back to up and down!My question is has anyone been in a similar crazy situation ie in a relationship with a recently widowed man?has his behaviour anything to do with his loss[could he be taking it out on me?]Sorry for going for for so long but would appreciate any feedbacks?Many thanks


Nounou,
I would like to try to help you with my opinion of what I think is going on in your situation but since I do not have background history on your past relationships or his I can only go by others' experiences. If you feel I have given some incorrect information please feel free to contact me and I would be happy to try to help. There are several things that stood out when I read your post so I will try to touch on each one as I go along. You mentioned you met in Oct then moved in on Dec and he proposed in Feb which is only a four month time period. I know when you fall in love thing can move fast and that becomes the problem with most relationships. It is what I call starting the relationship at the end. You are already doing things that would take most people a year of dating and getting to know a person first before moving in and getting engaged to someone you hardly know. Do you think that you were having such feelings of loneliness that you just wanted that feeling of being swept off your feet and thinking it was love when you just did not want to alone? There is a very important rule in dating and romance; to be happy in a relationship, and to pick the kind of relationship that is going to be the kind you desire, you must be able to be happy without one. If you must be dating or married in order to be happy, you are dependent, and you will never be happy with whatever person you find. The reason I bring this up is because of your mention of insecurity and if you could provide some background I would love to be able to help you with that area of your life. If you feel he is already playing on the insecurities in your life then you are probably right. That brings me to my next question which is what type of conflicts are you having so early in your relationship and does he think that it is all just OK. Do you think you have good communication skills and are able to resolve your conflicts in an emotionally healthy manner? From your post you described breaking up several times so that would indicate that you would probably need work in that area but without knowing what the conflicts are about it makes it difficult to give an opinion. I was also curious about your feelings of him signing up to a dating site six months after his wife passed because it usually takes a year to go through the grieving process. Even when people go through a divorce most of them are not looking to go out dating within six months. Do you feel that he is just looking for a replacement and someone to take care of his children? If you do not mind me asking have you done a background check on this person? I know that may sound drastic but with some people today you cannot be to careful. I can use my first husband as an example. We were engaged after three months and I met his family but his family covered up all his abusive flaws. So my point is just because you meet family and friends does not mean you are going to always get the truth about the person's personality. I wanted to share some of my personal experiences with you because your story mimics my first marriage in many ways and if I knew then what I know now I could have saved myself ten years of abuse and heartache. Keep in mind that I am just giving you my opinion by there are certain things that are red flags that will help you make your decision on what you need to do. First, Susie is correct with her statement of if a man will not treat you with love and respect before marriage it is not going to happen after marriage. Do not let your lack of self confidence stop you from setting up boundaries of how you will allow yourself to be treated. As I mentioned without much background it is hard to get a clear picture so feel free to contact me and correct me with any information you feel is incorrect. You mentioned about not having successful relationships and I was ordering if you ever took any time to look at yourself to try to figure out what you thought was missing on your part or do you think you were just not meeting men you were compatible with. What is it about this man that you are do drawn and feel you are so compatible that you could form a lifetime together and especially if you are already unhappy. I know sometime when you feel you have already invested a year that you should just stick with it but remember that you cannot change him so if he is doing things that are not meeting your needs now then it will only be harder later. I can only suggest counseling for you to see why you have the unsuccessful relationships and for him to find out why he is treating you in a bad manner. He obviously had more going on then he is sharing and it taking it out on you. I can tell you if you do not stand up and put a stop to this it will just continue with the same pattern of breaking up and getting back together so please seek help which most likely a couselor's advice would be to start dating again since that is what you missed in the beginning to get to know each other better. This will help you decided if this person will be able to meet your needs. Also, if you need to e-mail me I would be happy to see what would be the best direction.
Thanks,
LRB
 
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lisav101 is offline lisav101 Post #5  December 2,2009, 6:35pm
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please! no Drama tonight!

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wow - i dont know what to say...im a new widow...
im having a really hard time with relationship boundaries...not sure where to go from here...i think this man is having a harder time than you think. I was married happily for almost 20 years, and now, to be alone...especially after having had a great love in my life...its almost more than i can bear...
 
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