Ex Acting Strange - Would Appreciate Your Help

Hi Life Rebuilder,


I have posted questions on here before and you have been very helpful. Regarding this latest thing though, I have an appointment for my son and myself with our family counselor on May 14, but I wanted some advice from you before this next weekend, if possible.


I was married to a verbally/emotionally abusive person whohad a pornography addiction, for 14 years. He never really liked me or respected me and made sure I knew it on a regular basis. Because he wanted children is the main reason he married me.Prior to me, he had been unable to sustain a successful relationship. I wanted him because I was used to dating poor bum types and this guy had money, kept asking me out and definitely was not impressed by me AT ALL. I had to have him and somehow, (because of his ticking clock - we were both in our 30s), we got married and I had a son with him. He remained miserable day after day, year after year, was a father to our son financially only; never participated in his actual care, etc. and after 2 years I decided to have a tubal ligation because I did not want to be stuck with this man and several kids that I would have to take care of on my own one day - I knew we weren't going to go the distance together.


Fast forward 12 years. I left him,the divorce was final last May,and he insisted on 50/50 custody of our son and got it, this being a State of Virginialaw.My son is afraidof his temper, has caught him viewing pornography in the nude, masturbating once (thankfully didn't realize what he was seeing at the time) and is generally miserable when he is with him.


Our son is 14 now. His father still doesn't participatein his actual care,but drags him to every "race" he runs, every function his runningclub has and dinners with his adult friends.


Hemet a new woman in October on EHarmony and since then hasbecomemore beligerant toward me every day. He insults me and calls me names on thephone, makes accusations and calls me names on e-mail and, when I have reached the end of my rope and can't get through to him about something importantinvolving our son, I actually confront him face-to-face; at which time he looks defeated, like he is going to cry,and actually talks to me like a person, evenappears to be "nice."


The problemlately is, he isdoing more "parenting"on his own, making up his own rules,taking our son onhis dates, having her stay over so thatour son can see what a"loving, healthy, happy relationship lookslike" and basically undermining my authority and speaking of me disrespectfully in front of him. He doesn't communicate with me regarding issues I should be involved in, even by e-mail, which is my preferred method for dealing with him.


To make matters worse, I have become more and more bitter toward him, as he seems to be blocking me out ofour son's life, my son is becoming more "afraid" to tell him things, like when he gets hurt while out playing, or if he gets a bad grade, etc.because of hisfather's temper (his father would never touch him; in anger or inappropriately, by theway) and the communications betweenthe man and I havedeteriorated beyond recovery. To date, he has not even mentionedto me the existence of this new person, my son has told meabout her thoughand I found out they are getting married and honeymooning in Germany next week!I had happened to ask if he could look after our son next weekend and was told that he would be "on travel and not available." It was after that I found outwhat was happening from my son.


Why would someone behave that way? I'm seriously hoping that he will start to loosen his grip on our son (right nowcustody arrangements are two months with one parent/two months with the other, withweekends being the noncustodial parent's time. I would love to get my son out of the situation.


Do you have any thoughts on this?I just don't understand the secrecy and escalating lack of respect for my position as mother. True, I'm not the nicest to him, but I avoid him totally, only using e-mailto communicate. I would prefer if he would just go away and leave us alone before he messes with my son's psychelike he did to mine.


Oh, I should mention that there is one more weekend that my son has to spend with him before the big event and I'm a little afraid because an incident took place with one of my neighbors (my son was riding her son's bike and did some damage to it when he fell; they showed it to his father, who insisted that my son pay for the value of the bike and ALSO order the part for him to fix it for them. I have loaned these people money and have done many favors for them. Itold my son heis only paying for the repairs, and e-mailedmy decision to his father,telling himnot to concern himself with what happensin my neighborhood. Now my son is afraid he is in trouble.


Did I do the wrong thing?I'm just so tired of it all, the treatment, the control, the sudden interest in everything regarding our son that was never there before. It'smaking me crazy.

Hi Life Rebuilder,


I have posted questions on here before and you have been very helpful. Regarding this latest thing though, I have an appointment for my son and myself with our family counselor on May 14, but I wanted some advice from you before this next weekend, if possible.


I was married to a verbally/emotionally abusive person whohad a pornography addiction, for 14 years. He never really liked me or respected me and made sure I knew it on a regular basis. Because he wanted children is the main reason he married me.Prior to me, he had been unable to sustain a successful relationship. I wanted him because I was used to dating poor bum types and this guy had money, kept asking me out and definitely was not impressed by me AT ALL. I had to have him and somehow, (because of his ticking clock - we were both in our 30s), we got married and I had a son with him. He remained miserable day after day, year after year, was a father to our son financially only; never participated in his actual care, etc. and after 2 years I decided to have a tubal ligation because I did not want to be stuck with this man and several kids that I would have to take care of on my own one day - I knew we weren't going to go the distance together.


Fast forward 12 years. I left him,the divorce was final last May,and he insisted on 50/50 custody of our son and got it, this being a State of Virginialaw.My son is afraidof his temper, has caught him viewing pornography in the nude, masturbating once (thankfully didn't realize what he was seeing at the time) and is generally miserable when he is with him.


Our son is 14 now. His father still doesn't participatein his actual care,but drags him to every "race" he runs, every function his runningclub has and dinners with his adult friends.


Hemet a new woman in October on EHarmony and since then hasbecomemore beligerant toward me every day. He insults me and calls me names on thephone, makes accusations and calls me names on e-mail and, when I have reached the end of my rope and can't get through to him about something importantinvolving our son, I actually confront him face-to-face; at which time he looks defeated, like he is going to cry,and actually talks to me like a person, evenappears to be "nice."


The problemlately is, he isdoing more "parenting"on his own, making up his own rules,taking our son onhis dates, having her stay over so thatour son can see what a"loving, healthy, happy relationship lookslike" and basically undermining my authority and speaking of me disrespectfully in front of him. He doesn't communicate with me regarding issues I should be involved in, even by e-mail, which is my preferred method for dealing with him.


To make matters worse, I have become more and more bitter toward him, as he seems to be blocking me out ofour son's life, my son is becoming more "afraid" to tell him things, like when he gets hurt while out playing, or if he gets a bad grade, etc.because of hisfather's temper (his father would never touch him; in anger or inappropriately, by theway) and the communications betweenthe man and I havedeteriorated beyond recovery. To date, he has not even mentionedto me the existence of this new person, my son has told meabout her thoughand I found out they are getting married and honeymooning in Germany next week!I had happened to ask if he could look after our son next weekend and was told that he would be "on travel and not available." It was after that I found outwhat was happening from my son.


Why would someone behave that way? I'm seriously hoping that he will start to loosen his grip on our son (right nowcustody arrangements are two months with one parent/two months with the other, withweekends being the noncustodial parent's time. I would love to get my son out of the situation.


Do you have any thoughts on this?I just don't understand the secrecy and escalating lack of respect for my position as mother. True, I'm not the nicest to him, but I avoid him totally, only using e-mailto communicate. I would prefer if he would just go away and leave us alone before he messes with my son's psychelike he did to mine.


Oh, I should mention that there is one more weekend that my son has to spend with him before the big event and I'm a little afraid because an incident took place with one of my neighbors (my son was riding her son's bike and did some damage to it when he fell; they showed it to his father, who insisted that my son pay for the value of the bike and ALSO order the part for him to fix it for them. I have loaned these people money and have done many favors for them. Itold my son heis only paying for the repairs, and e-mailedmy decision to his father,telling himnot to concern himself with what happensin my neighborhood. Now my son is afraid he is in trouble.


Did I do the wrong thing?I'm just so tired of it all, the treatment, the control, the sudden interest in everything regarding our son that was never there before. It'smaking me crazy.

What are the lawsin VA regarding custody ?- if it were me, I'd find out if my child has any say in how much time he spends with Dad since he's now 14. If your son doesn't want to be with Dad so much or at all, can you petition the court to change the arrangements since he is 14 & should have a say in where, when, how much time he spends with his Dad? If that is possible & your son doesn't want to be with him it has to come from a judge to change it.