I'm not self-confident enough to defend "no need to rush into sex" when dating


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DimpleDoll1 is offline DimpleDoll1 Post #1  March 28,2009, 10:51pm
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I am in my early 30's and I waited a long time to really start dating. When I was about 28 I had my first intimate relationship and it wasn't a good experience. Since then, I've had mostly unhappy dting experiences because I gave in to sex, even when I didn't want it. Is it just my perception, or is there a lot of pressure to have sex?


I also would like some practical advice about how to require and insist, and stick to your guns, about condoms every single time. Anybody - -male or female?
 
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LifeRebuilder is offline LifeRebuilder Post #2  April 4,2009, 1:11am
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DimpleDoll1, wrote :

I am in my early 30's and I waited a long time to really start dating. When I was about 28 I had my first intimate relationship and it wasn't a good experience. Since then, I've had mostly unhappy dting experiences because I gave in to sex, even when I didn't want it. Is it just my perception, or is there a lot of pressure to have sex?


I also would like some practical advice about how to require and insist, and stick to your guns, about condoms every single time. Anybody - -male or female?
DimpleDoll1,
After reading your post, I am sorry to hear about your bad dating experiences. I feel there could be many pressures to have sex depending on the person you are with and if they are putting on the pressure. Some people can understand when you say no and others are only looking for sex. One of the things that you mentioned I have a concern about it that you are giving in even when you do not want it. Do you know why you are doing this? I can give you my opinion as to why but I want to make sure that you understand. Sometimes when people are not able to set up boundaries of what they are willing to accept or how they are willing to allow people to treat them. This can come from a low self-esteem or if you want to be a people pleaser in fear of not having them like you in return. This also falls under the practical advice about having to use a condom, as you have to be willing just to say no and I will not allow this. There is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that is a good start at learning how to stick up for yourself but I feel if you have been having trouble with relationships from the beginning there is probably a self esteem issue that needs to be addressed. If you would like further help in that area please feel free to send me an e-mail and I would be happy to help in any way I can.
Thanks,
LRB
 
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NaLalina is offline NaLalina Post #3  April 4,2009, 10:05pm
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Practice being confident, instead telling yourself that you're not self-confident; so you create a good self-fulfilling prophecy, not a bad one.

(The following tips are in addition to the tips in the articles linked below.)


You may want to write down your boundaries; if you don't understand your boundaries, chances are, your date won't understand.


Practice, practice, practice implementing your boundaries. Practice what you'd say & do in response to each way your date might try to pressure you into doing things you're not ready or willing to do.


Email, IM, or talk w/ your date about boundaries ASAP; don't wait until you're about to get physically intimate. Be very explicit & clear when communicating w/ your date, so your date can't excuse doing something against your will by thinking, "She didn't say she didn't want it. So she must have wanted it."


Be very cautious about doing anything w/ your date that you wouldn't want to do again, so you don't set the wrong precedent. Nonetheless, communicate to your date that he shouldn't pressure you to do something just b/c you've done it once before.


Don't give your date any opportunity to violate you and get away w/ it, just like an employer wouldn't give employees any opportunity to steal from the cash register and get away w/ it. One way to minimize the risk of him committing a violation is to be where other people can see him.


Have condoms w/ you. Put the condom on him when you're ready; don' wait for him to put it on himself.


Let him know when you enjoy what he does. Show appreciation; give praise; so he does what you like instead of what you don't like.


Rules for a Platonic Friendship [examples of when some men think it's OK to force a woman to have sex; sickening but true]
http://equ1n0x1.blogspot.com/2006/11...riendship.html

What Signals are you Sending?
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/what-signals-are-you-sending.html


How to Set Boundaries When Dating
http://www.ehow.com/how_2083580_set-...es-dating.html

Male "Turnoff #2: Poor communication skills"
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/the-top-5-male-turnoffs.html
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #4  April 6,2009, 9:16pm
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NaLalina,564297 wrote :

Practice being confident, instead telling yourself that you're not self-confident; so you create a good self-fulfilling prophecy, not a bad one.

(The following tips are in addition to the tips in the articles linked below.)


You may want to write down your boundaries; if you don't understand your boundaries, chances are, your date won't understand.


Practice, practice, practice implementing your boundaries. Practice what you'd say & do in response to each way your date might try to pressure you into doing things you're not ready or willing to do.


Email, IM, or talk w/ your date about boundaries ASAP; don't wait until you're about to get physically intimate. Be very explicit & clear when communicating w/ your date, so your date can't excuse doing something against your will by thinking, "She didn't say she didn't want it. So she must have wanted it."


Be very cautious about doing anything w/ your date that you wouldn't want to do again, so you don't set the wrong precedent. Nonetheless, communicate to your date that he shouldn't pressure you to do something just b/c you've done it once before.


Don't give your date any opportunity to violate you and get away w/ it, just like an employer wouldn't give employees any opportunity to steal from the cash register and get away w/ it. One way to minimize the risk of him committing a violation is to be where other people can see him.


Have condoms w/ you. Put the condom on him when you're ready; don' wait for him to put it on himself.


Let him know when you enjoy what he does. Show appreciation; give praise; so he does what you like instead of what you don't like.


Rules for a Platonic Friendship [examples of when some men think it's OK to force a woman to have sex; sickening but true]
http://equ1n0x1.blogspot.com/2006/11...riendship.html

What Signals are you Sending?
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/what-signals-are-you-sending.html


How to Set Boundaries When Dating
http://www.ehow.com/how_2083580_set-...es-dating.html

Male "Turnoff #2: Poor communication skills"
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/the-top-5-male-turnoffs.html
I wish I'd had these tips when I first started dating. Would have saved myself some heartbreak. Thank you and LifeRebuilder for the tips. Suzie
 
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doji_toturi is offline doji_toturi Post #5  June 11,2009, 5:22pm
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The advice stated above are very valid points.But it is very simple in the end.You want someone that will respect you.It is a prereq when it comes to ANY relationship.Frienship or otherwise.Respect will pay in kind.It is prudent to let someone know early on where you stand.What your intentions are and how far you will go.It would prevent any miscommunication from the get go.It would display confidence from you,it also puts everything in the open."those with nothing to hide,hide nothing"It would also help make things flow more smoothly,no need to read between the lines.Keeps things honest.That said,hope this has been of some value.This is only an objective opinion however.good luck
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #6  July 12,2009, 8:04pm
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These are wonderful posts.

Unfortunately the reality of the real-world is that people are manipulative and that gets multiplied when mating is involved.

The #1 tactic for a person in a 'weak' negotiating position is to walk away. You must be willing to walk away if the suitor isn't bringing the goods you want...which for you would be the clear promise that sex is not a short term goal for him because you are looking for a 'long term partner' so naturally you get to wholly decide how long your interview process is. The right partner will find strong agreement with that and honor your criteria.

See, it's all easier when you layout everything on the table.

But if you go into that 'negotiation' looking to not look stupid, demanding, or other self-conscious position you will get used.
 
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jeremiahsandiego is offline jeremiahsandiego Post #7  August 16,2009, 10:05pm
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I 100% agree with everyone above who told you that you need to set your boundaries and be conscious of them. You definitaly need to take a look inside yourself.

In the meantime I have a pretty simple solution that might even be a good start for you setting boundaries.

Keep your dates to public places. Stay somewhere where you can not have sex.
Insist on staying in public places and when you head home part ways.

I don't think guy's respect women who sleep with them right away.
 
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