epbomb13 is offline epbomb13 Post #1  February 2,2009, 12:20pm
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I thought I posted this message 8 hours ago but it has never appeared, so I am posting it again. Forgive me if it is redundant. Anyway, maybe some of you can relate to this and give me some advice. I brought my girlfriend to meet my mom this weekend, my mom naturally hit Amanda hard with question after question. The cops don’t interrogate suspects like that. This went on for more than two hours, Amanda was uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable. Because My parents are pessimistic, nosey, and can be down-right nasty sometimes, I try very hard to keep my social life divided from them. My folks have the worst kind of marriage ever, all they do is fight and fight and there is no love at all. Back to the point. The next morning I get this call from my mom about how I am a lying scumbag and Amanda was not the woman I described to her, that she didn’t live in the exact place I said she lived, and so on. My mother picked up the most minute details and made a big stink out of the most unimportant nothings. This puts me in a position; I am not going to leave Amanda, it seems like there is a real future for her and I. No woman is ever good enough for me (according to my mom) and then I am a liar and I get the cold shoulder as a result. Amanda’s not going anywhere, we are very happy together and have a future. What do I do about my family? My mom won’t listen to reason, my father is stubborn and old school and has condemned Amanda and I to hell because we couldn’t meet the normal way, it’s created a rift between me and my folks, and I refuse to let Amanda be hurt because of it. Thoughts?
 
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LifeRebuilder is offline LifeRebuilder Post #2  February 2,2009, 4:05pm
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epbomb13, wrote :




I thought I posted this message 8 hours ago but it has never appeared, so I am posting it again. Forgive me if it is redundant. Anyway, maybe some of you can relate to this and give me some advice. I brought my girlfriend to meet my mom this weekend, my mom naturally hit Amanda hard with question after question. The cops don’t interrogate suspects like that. This went on for more than two hours, Amanda was uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable. Because My parents are pessimistic, nosey, and can be down-right nasty sometimes, I try very hard to keep my social life divided from them. My folks have the worst kind of marriage ever, all they do is fight and fight and there is no love at all. Back to the point. The next morning I get this call from my mom about how I am a lying scumbag and Amanda was not the woman I described to her, that she didn’t live in the exact place I said she lived, and so on. My mother picked up the most minute details and made a big stink out of the most unimportant nothings. This puts me in a position; I am not going to leave Amanda, it seems like there is a real future for her and I. No woman is ever good enough for me (according to my mom) and then I am a liar and I get the cold shoulder as a result. Amanda’s not going anywhere, we are very happy together and have a future. What do I do about my family? My mom won’t listen to reason, my father is stubborn and old school and has condemned Amanda and I to hell because we couldn’t meet the normal way, it’s created a rift between me and my folks, and I refuse to let Amanda be hurt because of it. Thoughts?
epbomb13,
After reading your post, I thought you were describing my mother because I can relate with every comment you made. I actually live next door to my mother, which at the time I thought it would be a good idea to have help with my daughter, until I realized all the dysfunction that I never noticed before. There was always the wondering of why my mom does not say I love you or you did a good job but this became unbearable. I knew I had to make a choice of either let her criticize me everyday or stand up for myself and risk our relationship and I forgot to mention that my sister lives across from my mother. Which again you would think how nice but not when they are trying to control your life. I went and purchased two books of Boundaries by Henry Cloud and I gave one to my sister and the other to my mother. My sister did not talk to me for two months, then came to me, and said thank you. She said that was one of the best books and wrote me an apology letter. My mother read a few pages from the book but still did not see her actions. I suggest that we see a counselor so she would understand that a third party would be telling her the same as I was. We went to three appointments together and my mother said I do not need to go anymore. When I asked her why she did not want to go anymore, she said that she understood how I felt, and what she was doing wrong. Unfortunately, she did not understand or change because everything is still the same. I consulted with a colleague of mine at that point and it was suggested that to maintain my own sanity to stay away from her. I cannot change her and she is obviously stuck in her ways and if you think your parents would react in the same as I described what do you think would be best for you to do. The only thing that I can do is set up my boundaries, and when they are crossed, point them out to her. When that becomes too much I stay away. You have to decide how you want to be treated and set up the boundaries of what you will allow and not allow. This works for any relationship not just with parents. If you need some advice on how to confront them and discuss your feelings the book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward has good information on how to do that. You sound like you are in love and regardless if you have a future with this girl you have to decide how you want the relationship to be with your parents. My mother actually went through a similar situation when she first married my father. They were living with his parents and my mother had a problem with remembering to close the kitchen cabinets. My grandmother could not stand it and would bitch at my grandfather about it. Finally, one night at dinner my grandfather said something about the kitchen cabinets in a nasty way regarding my mother. My father stood up and said don’t you ever talk about my wife like that again and they packed the car and left. Year’s later things were smoothed over but not taken care of and when the dysfunction is not handled at the time, it just carries over to the next generation. I hope that has helped in some way.
 
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carlycue is offline carlycue Post #3  February 6,2009, 9:51am
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Sounds like you need to stand up for what you believe in your relationship. What your parents do with it is their choice. Theres a little mammas boy syndrome going on here. ( I just posted that topic today!) I'm surprised this woman is still with you! I'm sure she's watching to see how you handle this and where she'll really fit into your life. If you really want this woman it's time to grow up and be a man. The bible says " a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife" for a reason. Good luck I hope you do the right thing. This monkey will never get off your back until you take it off.
 
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WaterHound is offline WaterHound Post #4  February 13,2009, 1:22pm
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Overprotective parents are a huge cancer on relationships. Time to stand up and be a man.


You are an adult, so start acting like one. First, tell your overbearing parents to clean up their own act before imposing on yours. Second, tell your girlfriend that you are sorry for exposing her to your not so welcoming parents and that you will make it up to her. Third, get help to stand up for yourself in the face of unloving parents. Your description of their behavior towards each other shows that they surely cannot lead by example. Clearly, your parents definition of a loving relationship is different that yours.


Your parents overbearing and intrusive behavior shows their disrespect for your decision making as an adult. At 23, that is comon, but still unhealthy.
 
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