In honor of Harry's thead, a new "gloves off"


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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #1  October 27,2009, 10:23am
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OK, I promised hogrally I'd do this. I am shamelessly stealing HarryG's great idea, and launching another "gloves off" thread. So here is the question: if the gloves were "off" and you weren't the pastor, what would you say to the following parishioners?

(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free),

(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;

(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on; and

(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).

Pick one...pick all....have at it!!
 
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TinkerKat is offline TinkerKat Post #2  October 27,2009, 10:38am
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(2)- Get a stop watch and a very LOUD buzzer. When the 5 minutes is up, hit the buzzer. This will probably also wake those have fallen asleep, so they'll be wide awake for your sermon.

(3) - Tell them it's on the ninth Friday of the month...

(4) Hand them the Bible.???...
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  October 27,2009, 10:40am
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graceventually wrote :
My comments in red.
OK, I promised hogrally I'd do this. I am shamelessly stealing HarryG's great idea, and launching another "gloves off" thread. So here is the question: if the gloves were "off" and you weren't the pastor, what would you say to the following parishioners?

(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free),

Ummm...No.

(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;

Have a buzzer go off when their time is up. A loud one.

(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on; and

Have your answering machine set up with instructions to report at midnight on Friday for the service.

(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).

It was a joint effort...me and Jesus.

Pick one...pick all....have at it!!
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #4  October 27,2009, 11:11am
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Double post
Last edited by Faira; October 27,2009 at 11:17am.
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #5  October 27,2009, 11:16am
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(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free)

"The Bible says that you have to pay me the Bishop's recommended salary...it's somewhere near the back, Book of Jude, maybe..."

(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;

Stand up at the 5-minute-mark and yell, "BINGO!"

(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on

"Wednesday. Bring a lawn chair."

(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).

"David Hasselhoff and Chuck Norris alternate Sundays."

Sacreligious enough? *runs and hides*
 
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Marina13 is offline Marina13 Post #6  October 27,2009, 12:23pm
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graceventually wrote :
OK, I promised hogrally I'd do this. I am shamelessly stealing HarryG's great idea, and launching another "gloves off" thread. So here is the question: if the gloves were "off" and you weren't the pastor, what would you say to the following parishioners?

(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free),

(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;

(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on; and

(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).

Pick one...pick all....have at it!!
3) Ha Ha Ha...good one! Who's buried in Grants tomb!! Yuck, yuck, yuck!! I love a good joke!
 
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #7  October 27,2009, 12:42pm
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graceventually wrote :
(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free),
Which day of the month should I schedule for dinner at your house?

graceventually wrote :
(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;
The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh.

graceventually wrote :
(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on; and
Tuesday.

graceventually wrote :
(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).
Aaron Spelling.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #8  October 27,2009, 1:05pm
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Answers in red.

(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free),

"No problem, I'll just send my own poor box around."

(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;

End the service with "And this weeks winner of wasting our time is.................(organ playing like they do at ice hockey games) ...........................(insert name)."

(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on; and

"It's the day in the week with 2 Thursdays."

(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).

"Well, the ideas comes from this book I found on E-Bay."
Last edited by Mokkesofie; October 27,2009 at 2:52pm.
 
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Lostintranslation is offline Lostintranslation Post #9  October 27,2009, 1:26pm
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YouTube - Lyle Lovett: Church

Lyle Lovett & His Large Band: Church

I think this will give you a chuckle, Grace. All I can say is I have loved Lyle for many years but this is off one of his best albums: Joshua Judges Ruth
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  October 27,2009, 1:37pm
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graceventually wrote :
OK, I promised hogrally I'd do this. I am shamelessly stealing HarryG's great idea, and launching another "gloves off" thread. So here is the question: if the gloves were "off" and you weren't the pastor, what would you say to the following parishioners?

(1) The ones who want to cut your salary $600 below the bishop's recommended minimum "to save money" (despite the fact that the church has over $180,000 in an investment portfolio, is meeting its expenses, is actively contributing to missions and charities, and is completely debt-free),

I will give this idea all the consideration it deserves.

(2) The ones who make a 5-minute announcement at the beginning of the service, and then complain that it ran 5 minutes over;

It's all right. Everyone forgives you.

(3) The one who calls you up at dinner time 10 days before Easter to ask what day of the week the Good Friday service is on; and

You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

(4) The one who asks, "who writes your sermons?" (I actually did have a slightly sarcastic answer for that one; which I'll reveal after I see yours).

I buy them from a catalog.

Pick one...pick all....have at it!!
blah have to type some characters down here to post. I hate it when the web site is smarter than me.
 
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