cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #1  August 9,2009, 6:26pm

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I must be the stinky socks on the body
For I am always in clothes baskets

Waiting to come in
Waiting to be loved

I was on the inside once
I know what love looks like

I know what acceptance feels like
I know what life is

I know the joy you show when someone comes to Christ
I know the joy you show when your friends gather round

But I'm sitting here in the clothes basket
Longing to be part of what I once had

Can you pick up this stinky sock
And wash it while you wash your feet

Can you love me with more than a pinky finger
And a pinched nose?

I'm on the outside looking in
I'm in the dungeon, let me out

I haven't let go of Christ
But you won't let me cling to the body

Like a mother who is too busy for her children
You let me go, you don't pursue when I fail to show up

I'm a satellite, can you get my signal
I'm on the internet, can you come and find me

Christ is carrying me, but how long will I have
Two feet off the ground

Come and love me
If you can

Oh beloved
Body of Christ

How long will you keep me on the edge
How many feet do I have to wash again

To earn a place inside your doors
To prove I'm not something smelly to abhor

Are you giving it away?
Are you giving away your leadership position

The position of washing feet
I'm taking it

And you're still holding on to me
With just a pinky....

(This is my own creation, if it inspires you, you may pass it on, turn it into a song for singing, or post it to your fridge)
Last edited by cloudedleopard; August 9,2009 at 6:28pm. Reason: Typos
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #2  August 9,2009, 10:50pm
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Personally, I'm more interested in hearing about what inspired it... and your status line, dear one.
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #3  August 9,2009, 10:53pm

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How you bless me in the wilderness
How I am loved in the night

How you take me under your wing
In the valley of the shadow of death

So despite
My condition

I will praise you
Because you bless me in the dark

You lift me up in the morning
And I know I will see good days

So if I'm all alone
And feeling like a satellite

Out of this world
And out of this church

I only need to remember
You love me in the dark
Your eye is on those who love you
And when I call you hear me

Like Daniel I am saved in the lions mouth
Like Joseph I am resurrected from a well

Like Job I am saved in the midst of devastation

Even though I cannot see
How you're gonna bless me

I praise your name in the night
I worship you in the dark

I submit my heart to you
For your love is with me

It is written in blood
It is a binding contract of eternal life

I am yours
And you call me beloved

So I sing to the King
I will sing your praises in the dark
your songs through the night
And I will be glad

(again if this inspires you, you have my permission to use it and share it or put it to music and make a song)
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #4  August 9,2009, 10:58pm

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last12C wrote :
Personally, I'm more interested in hearing about what inspired it... and your status line, dear one.
My personal testimony especially the last year and a half. Some people may have trouble hearing it, so I'd prefer to share that in private for the time being.
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #5  August 9,2009, 11:53pm

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I could share this much... There's something that grew up with and was my life-long partner since my parents got divorced... it's anxiety... my mother move us out of state... even our kitty died. I was left with a mother who was working all day and a brother who didn't want his little brother tagging along. I was thrown into secular society at the age of 6... with no comfort, no shoulder to cry on. This was between my kindergarten and 1st grade year. Ever since then I've had difficulty socializing. We moved about 4 different times in the 4 years after that so I didn't start to develope long term friendships until later in life. I have always been aloof, introverted, and a quiet observer to life instead of a liver of dreams (no meat pun intended).

After getting connected with true Christian friends, I then found myself trying to figure out what was wrong with me... and I looked for a change in life.... a move... I moved back to Ohio. This was my greener pastures, or so I wanted it to be.... but life was still a struggle I didn't know what was wrong with me. After I moved to ohio I didn't find a church home. I was essential outside of the body for 7 years... I was too anxious to meet new people, too afraid of their judgements, and too discontent with why no preachers message had sunk in deep enough to affect my deepest problems.... so I was content with my Christian music, my personal time in the bible, and struggling, wrestling with prayers and petitions.

And at one point, I started a blog for weight loss.... which quickly became a blog about world loss

I wanted to lose the world desparately, and so... I put all my energy into it... and things weren't as hard as I had made them out to be.... but the judgements that had sat on my heart had crippled me into the person I was. I was breaking free and I loved it.

I started going to a church again. I picked one that I really thought had a lot going for it... passionate biblical teaching, passionate serving community, passionate missions attitude.

But I broke free too fast and too far, my wheels left the ground, and I found myself speaking in languages men cannot understand unless you interpret them.

I lost touch with reality, I went out of my mind, or out of this world's mind.... but I also strayed from the scriptures, and interpreted things I shouldn't have interpreted.

I was tazed twice, submitted to mental institutions 3 times over the past 15 months.

When I shared my struggles.... I was passed from the loving community of small groups/house churches, into the hands of a pastor who I met with weekly....

This was ok but I didn't just want to have business meetings with the church as if I was an outsider.... I wanted the love of the community which I had seen before. But I think I may have said some things which were not in line with traditional thoughts, and I scared people. Anyways, I'm now trying to get reconnected with the body, the church, but I still just have 1 pastor to meet with.... doesn't really feel the same as being surrounded by friends who will lift you up.... in fact we stopped meeting for 6 months and I didn't hear a peep from the pastor. Now I've returned and met with him again because I figured out my deep deep problems in the night, in the mental hospital, in the dark dark fears, in my anxiety attacks, with my outside counselor.... through all this God provided me with the answers I was looking for. And now I'm back to this church, but I want more than a weekly meeting with a pastor and a worship service and a teaching. I worship plenty at home, I teach myself some from the scriptures, but what I can't do.... I can't hold my own hand through the night and feel like I'm not alone... I can't bear my own burdens anymore than I already am doing... I can't pick myself up when I fall... I am still outside the love of the church, the community of the church... and I desperately want back in. It seems I need to tell my whole story, all 29 years of it, so they will understand how I just don't want to be alone. I don't know how to send a louder signal that I am too alone, I'm too on the edge. The internet is nice, and you are nice to me here, but there's nothing like friends who are there in the middle of the night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jars of Clay - Work

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work
Do you know what I mean
When I say I don't wanna be alone?
What I mean when I say
I don't wanna be alone?
Empty spaces
Shadows hit by streetlights
With warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder
In the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak
Do you know what I mean
When I say I don't wanna be alone?
What I mean when I say
I don't wanna be alone?
What I mean when I say
I don't wanna be alone?
Do you know what I mean
When I say I don't wanna be alone?
What I mean when I say
I don't wanna be alone?
What I mean when I say
I don't wanna be alone?
Alone, alone
I don't wanna be alone
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
It's taking all this work
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #6  August 10,2009, 2:01pm

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I just want to say, I can imagine these feeling of being alone and unloved might be similar to how it might feel in a marriage where your spouse stops loving you but you're still clinging on to Christ in hope.
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #7  August 11,2009, 12:00am

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Just to clarify, when I said I was speaking in languages men cannot understand without interpretation I wasn't talking about speaking in spiritual tongues, but speaking in creative metaphors that only I knew the meaning behind.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #8  August 11,2009, 10:28am
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I really think that those, such as yourself, who have a creative bent, whose thoughts are so much more profound than others, who see and feel things that so many others simply scan out, have a very great challenge in life. Perhaps, being an artist himself, Jason can share his thoughts on this. It must get very frustrating to have so much depth in your heart and not be able to communicate it fully to those who cannot grasp such depths. You must have to be very patient with us left-brainers!
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #9  August 11,2009, 10:55am

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It's actually not that hard. I'm a computer programmer, trained in left-brain activity since birth. Rubiks cubes, chess, these are things my father is gifted in. Organization, communicating, these are things my mother is gifted in.

It's only recently that I've stopped squelching my right-brained creative talent. But now that I have, it's hard to look back!

I imagine when you're a bird - that first jump is scary, but once you realize you can fly walking on the ground is something you only want to do when you're tired or chasing a worm
 
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