To Empty Oneself and Make Room For The Holy Spirit


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winn is offline winn Post #1  May 13,2009, 9:07pm

Please tell me where I can find a normal man???

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In my journey as a widow I have come to a stalemate in the grieving process and have come to recognize that I cannot go further to discover what God wants of me unless I undergo some serious counselling. I have a friend who is also a counsellor and helped me a great deal when I lost my last transplant and almost my life nine years ago. She had already offered to be there if I felt the need to unburden myself to someone and has been regularly emailing me to find out where I am and if I'm okay. This past week i decided to take her up on her offer for help and met with her this morning for coffee. True to my serious messed up sleep schedule right now, I almost missed that opportunity to meet by sleeping in late. I quickly called her up and told her my predicament. She assured me she still had time to meet if I could get to her place before 1 pm and I made it, by the skin of my teeth.

To make a long story shorter. It was an extremely emmotional meeting and, without meaning to, spent a great deal of my time crying into the cup of cold coffee I held in my hands. This friend just has that effect on me. I can hold nothing back from her and, without prying, I unburdened myself to the point of exhaustion. This, however, was a good thing because I feel that it's time that I get rid of all the cobbwebs that are clouding my mind and my heart and make room for God once again. We talked about many different things but the one thing we spoke about, I feel I can share here and that is, in losing my husband i have harbored an immense amount of anger toward God and have blocked the entrance of His work in my heart. With some prompting, it was revealed to me that I had, therefore, not only spent time grieving the loss of my husband but had also been grieving the loss of fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I had, in essence lost both earthly husband and heavenly husband in one fell swoop. So, part of my homework before I meet with my friend again, is to learn to change my thinking from the loss I have experienced to the gifts I have experienced. This is a beginning in allowing myself to see God, once again, for who He really is, Someone Who Is Good and Loves Me, not someone who is selfish and out to destroy me and take all the good gifts away from me out of vengeance. If I can do this, I can start to open my heart once again and allow the Holy Spirit to work and move in me. I will then have received my heavenly husband back.

So, having revealed this struggle with you, I would really like to hear about times when you have struggled to open yourself up again to allow the Holy Spirit to work in you.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #2  May 14,2009, 5:52pm
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Thanks for sharing all of this Winn. There have definitely been times when I've been angry with God about various things. I haven't experienced the kind of loss that a widow would experience. In the case of a divorce you go through a lot of hurt, anger, pain, grieving, etc. but most of that anger is leveled toward the ex-spouse and yourself. I can imagine it being very tough when it seems everything was going great and there was a great marriage and then to have that taken from you. I hope I never have to go through that. I'll be in prayer with you as you work through all of this.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #3  May 14,2009, 6:45pm
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In some ways I was a bit more fortunate. Mark was diagnosed 2 years before his passing, so we actually were given the time to process a lot of things over a longer period of time. I went through a lot of anger at God, too, but while Mark was still with me. By the time he passed, I was over that and was able to focus on the sorrow of losing him (followed by an irrational and extreme anger at Mark ).
 
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p5cents is offline p5cents Post #4  May 14,2009, 6:52pm
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At least don't worry about being angry at God. God's pretty big. He can take you being angry and won't run away (like a human husband might). In fact, I'd say that if you are angry at God and letting him know about it, he's probably thrilled. That's a lot better than being angry and just ignoring God and everything about God.

A big cry is a really good thing. We all need that. When my mother died all my tears dried up. Most of the time since then, even if I felt like crying, I have been unable to. Crying releases a lot of pent-up feelings and helps healing to take place.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #5  May 14,2009, 8:46pm
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p5cents wrote :
At least don't worry about being angry at God. God's pretty big. He can take you being angry and won't run away (like a human husband might). In fact, I'd say that if you are angry at God and letting him know about it, he's probably thrilled. That's a lot better than being angry and just ignoring God and everything about God.

A big cry is a really good thing. We all need that. When my mother died all my tears dried up. Most of the time since then, even if I felt like crying, I have been unable to. Crying releases a lot of pent-up feelings and helps healing to take place.
You WILL cry again, P - when Maggie crosses the bridge. And I'll be there with a box of Kleenex in one hand and a wriggly little puppy in the other!
 
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p5cents is offline p5cents Post #6  May 15,2009, 4:45pm
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last12C wrote :
You WILL cry again, P - when Maggie crosses the bridge. And I'll be there with a box of Kleenex in one hand and a wriggly little puppy in the other!
I might or I might not. Be crying, that is. I have this "thing" where if something is really worth crying over all I get is a HUGE knot in my stomach and I just want to curl up and hide. But tears do not come. I only seem to get cathartic tears--heartfelt movies and really close connection to God in a worship song. After my divorce I never cried (or even during the years of winding down to it), but for a long time I cried in worship almost every week. If we went to a 'chick flick' with a bittersweet story and happy ending, I might need the whole box!

Such a man!
 
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winn is offline winn Post #7  May 15,2009, 8:33pm

Please tell me where I can find a normal man???

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p5cents wrote :
I might or I might not. Be crying, that is. I have this "thing" where if something is really worth crying over all I get is a HUGE knot in my stomach and I just want to curl up and hide. But tears do not come. I only seem to get cathartic tears--heartfelt movies and really close connection to God in a worship song. After my divorce I never cried (or even during the years of winding down to it), but for a long time I cried in worship almost every week. If we went to a 'chick flick' with a bittersweet story and happy ending, I might need the whole box!

Such a man!
Yes, Phil, you are. You were still crying. Everyone's triggers are different. That happens to be one of my must have's in a mate. He needs to be a man who cries, doesn't matter when or where, just as long as he does.
 
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tumbleweed is offline tumbleweed Post #8  May 15,2009, 10:10pm
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i could give you my story but? as i learn i know i wont be given the answer to this,this is all part of faith,,as hard as it may be to except,,once you have fully crossed that line you will be able walk on the water,the problem is non of us have the streingh to do it alone,i will shut up now as i feel your pain and want to yell out,, its a time for me to learn from you,i realy wish i could help, im going to make a ple to god on your behalf, please loard you know what is in our harts, so be it your will please,,a men
 
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BibleGirl is offline BibleGirl Post #9  May 15,2009, 11:31pm
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I have absolutely no idea what it must be like to lose your husband ( having never been married ) but I do know a little bit about the kind of anger and bitterness that you're talking about. My brother was murdered when I was 16 and it took me a long time to come to terms with that. There are a lot of details that I won't bore everyone with, but suffice it to say I'm still dealing with a kind of residual anger over what happened. However, I can say that I am no longer angry at God. There are still times when I do wonder why, but the verse in Isaiah (58:8 & 9) that the Lord gave me one night really helped. It has since become one of my favorite verses. Also, there is a song that I find truly beautiful. It's called "Empty Me" by Chris Sligh. It is not specifically talking about loss, but it is talking about letting go of anything that is keeping you from the perfect will of God. I'm sorry, I still have no idea how to bring up a link, but it is on youtube.

Also, I have to say, I can relate pretty well to what P5 is saying. I have never been able to cry "when I should"- like at my brothers funeral, or when my father died. Yet give me a movie or a book (or even a Hallmark commercial! ) and I'll cry like a baby. It's like there's some defect in my chemical makeup that says it's a sign of weakness if my tears are generated by my own emotion- yet it's perfectly alright for them to be generated by an acceptable outside source. In reality I almost never cry over life. (But let them start playing "Christmas Shoes" on the radio at christmas time and I'll be crying so hard I'll have to pull my car over to the side of the road!- I so hate it when they play that song when I'm on my way to work. )
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #10  May 16,2009, 12:17am
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YouTube - Empty Me
 
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