ActionSoftGuy is offline ActionSoftGuy Post #1  May 10,2009, 6:49pm
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Just saw this snipped from winn in another thread:


>>My late husband was 30 when he met me and 32 when we got married. I was ten years younger. We were both genuine Christians...
 
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Share3 is offline Share3 Post #2  May 10,2009, 8:27pm
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Hey Guy, Are you thinking about getting married? Or Are you writing a thesis or a book?


Some things NOT to do: Never cheat on your spouse (I did not). Never take them for granted. Never say hurtful things to them or about them. Never hurt them and never threaten to hurt them.


Some things that you should do: Say "I love you" every day. Apologize when you're wrong. Communicate about any and everything. Be best friends. Pray together. Go to church together. Take time for each other and for the kids. Put your spouse and your family before your job and other activities. If you're having problems, seek help (I suggest Christian counseling and/or your pastor).


Be sure that you like the person too (besides loving them). Decide if you can live with that personjust likeshe/heis for the rest of your life if that person never changed. Be committed to staying with that person for the rest of your life, because she/he probably will change in some ways. If you marry someone based on looks only, what are you going to do when they get older, get sick, get in an accident, gain a lot of weight, etc.??? Base your marriage on what is in the heart, mind, and soul. Ask God to help you know if you have found the right person.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #3  May 10,2009, 8:29pm
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I'll try to put more thought into this and come up with replies. In my situation I'll have a lot more to say about what NOT to do then anything else


The one thing I have definitely learned is that you need to have very similar personalities and very similar ways of viewing the world around you. You need to have a lot of things in common, but it's much more important that your personalities be similar than your hobbies. When you view the world in similar ways then you will often be reassuring your partner in how and what they are doing and flowing with them rather than pulling and working against them. The tension that comes from being opposites is very alluring at first and somewhat sexy, but once in a 24/7 relationship it grows old really quickly. All those oddities that you found cute when dating can become real annoyances.


So having very similar personality traits is the main thing I've learned, and it is a big part of what I look for in terms of long-term potential.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #4  May 10,2009, 9:27pm
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I'd like to focus on all of the wonderful things about being married.A great marriage needs to include a great friendship, but it exceeds anything that a friendship could ever give you. The knowledge that you are bound to one another for life and that you are each other's first priority takes friendship to an entirely new level. If you find this you are truly blessed. It is the two of you standing hip to hip against the world and gives you someone that you can trust and depend on without doubt. Unconditional love, unconditional loyalty. You don't have to expect anything anymore - because it just is.


I define chemistry a bit differently than a lot of folks on EHA do. Yes, it includes the physical reaction to one another -and you don't want to underestimate the importance of that. That physical bond is a glue that deepens your spiritual bond to one another. But it also includes how you are compatible in some ways and complementary to one another in other ways.


I believe first and foremost that it is critical that you are spiritually compatible and hold the same Biblical Worldview. Non-negotiable. I also think that you should have similar views to abasic lifestyle. I'm already on record as looking for someone who puts effort into staying healthy and fit. A relationship between an inside dog and an outside dog cannot be expected to work out well. Think about that. And of course you both need to be willing to communicate openly and honestly. You will have no idea what that is going to look like until after you have been married for 2-3 years because you have to learn that together.


And here is where you get into the complementary as opposed to compatible: You do not want to marry yourself. You want to balance each other out. For example, if one person is a bit high energy (OK, I mean hyper!) it is good to have someone that is lower key to bring the tone of the partnershipdown a notch.If one is a bit shy, it is good to have a bit of an extrovert to balance that out. Think of it in this way: no one person is perfect, but the right blending of two people can create a partnership that is a lot closer to perfection than either of you can achieve on your own. With that in place you truly do begin to think of each other as being ONE.


It'simportant to have compatible activities, but it is also important for both to have activities that are their own. Those become special, something to share the unique experience of in conversation, a place to go when you need some space, something that you can excel at that your partner can appreciate but without feeling as if you are competing with your partnerin any way, something that is yours alone.


Learn to appreciate the complementary differences between the genders and how your partner expresses those differences. You will find that often it is those differences that become most dear to you.


Important: each of you need your own Christian accountability partners. Do not attempt to be that for one another. That needs to be gender specific and attempting to hold your partner accountable by yourself will inject a lot of unnecessary strain between you.


Surprising? Here's what I found was surprising. The longer you date - the less chance of long term success you are likely to have. It is not necessary to know everything about your partner before marrying. There are, of course a number of prudent points that you have to be assured of, but leave the toothpaste cap (off? Grrrrrr)and the toilet paper roll (up or down)for after you are married. While you are dating focus like a laser beam on the important things. When you are dating there is always that "well, if it doesn't work out I'll just move on" thing in your head. When you are married that changes to the"OK, is this significant enough to destroy my marriage?" thing. I have seen countless couples who dated for years break up over really STUPID things. And the way that you deal with "Wow, this is getting kind of boring" is completely different depending on if you are dating or if you are married.
 
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JasonX43 is offline JasonX43 Post #5  May 11,2009, 9:35am
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waltercl,612842 wrote :

I'll try to put more thought into this and come up with replies. In my situation I'll have a lot more to say about what NOT to do then anything else


The one thing I have definitely learned is that you need to have very similar personalities and very similar ways of viewing the world around you. You need to have a lot of things in common, but it's much more important that your personalities be similar than your hobbies. When you view the world in similar ways then you will often be reassuring your partner in how and what they are doing and flowing with them rather than pulling and working against them. The tension that comes from being opposites is very alluring at first and somewhat sexy, but once in a 24/7 relationship it grows old really quickly. All those oddities that you found cute when dating can become real annoyances.


So having very similar personality traits is the main thing I've learned, and it is a big part of what I look for in terms of long-term potential.
I've witnessed this first hand! But I digress....
 
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giladan is offline giladan Post #6  May 11,2009, 4:05pm
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First I want to relate something that my teacher in Pastoral Counciling told us. A man primarilly considers companionship when looking for a potential mate while a woman's emphasis is security. Before you denigrate that idea think about it and all that is involved. Second, which should be first, but alas, the Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked, so if you're a believer then you shouldn't even consider an un-believer as a partiner. Campus crusade teaches that a Christian shouldn't even date a non-Christian. I used to think that was rather alarmist but now I can see the wisdom. I have also heard that both parties should be on a comperable spiritual plain. I'm still thinking about that one.
 
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JasonX43 is offline JasonX43 Post #7  May 11,2009, 10:07pm
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giladan,613507 wrote :

First I want to relate something that my teacher in Pastoral Counciling told us. A man primarilly considers companionship when looking for a potential mate while a woman's emphasis is security. Before you denigrate that idea think about it and all that is involved. Second, which should be first, but alas, the Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked, so if you're a believer then you shouldn't even consider an un-believer as a partiner. Campus crusade teaches that a Christian shouldn't even date a non-Christian. I used to think that was rather alarmist but now I can see the wisdom. I have also heard that both parties should be on a comperable spiritual plain. I'm still thinking about that one.
I feel this is very true because two people going in different directions in life will never end up at the same destination(did I just type that?! Whoa! )





I could never imagine an atheist and a Christian relationship working(for example), because both would be trying to convert each other or the relationship would come to an end. That's why it doesn't surprise me sometimes when some of my friends start relationships and the come to an end because the only thing the two people had in common was physical attraction and the lust for sex. I mentioned this girl named Christina that I'm considering dating and I have to admit that when I first met her, this friend of mine liked her so I tried to hook them up... and she shot him down! I figured out that his attraction to her must be merely physical because instead of pursuing her, he just moved on to another girl!(which is a topic for another thread!) Knowing that The Lord grants us wisdom... I wonder if He showed her that my friend is one of those "spiritual but not associated with a religion" types? Hmmm.....
 
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winn is offline winn Post #8  May 12,2009, 9:23pm

Please tell me where I can find a normal man???

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What things did you think were important prior to getting married, that you no longer consider very important, were you to go back and do it again?



- I think some of the things that I thought were important that aren't anymore is mostly having to do with monetary value. I thought I needed to have the right clothes, the right car, a house with all the trimmings, the right furniture, dishes, appliances, etc., etc. in order to have a complete marriage. Now I think all that is bunk and i would be happy in a small cottage if I had to. i realize that o accumulation of things is going to make for a happy marriage and would be satified with my husband alone even if we didn't have much to live on. I've had all the trimmings and still had serious difficulties in my marriage which none of those things helped with at all.

To you how important are looks, personality, character, compatibility -- how do these compare with each other? If the relative importance of some of these things has changed for you over time, due you think that's due to increased wisdom, or simply the way people change in what is important to them?


- Yes,I need to be attracted to the other person but that person could be a man without limbs, a scarred body and unable to walk and I could still be attracted to him if he had the right personality, one that was compatible to me. A man with character.Looks are important and yet not important when I look at whether a certain man is meant for me or not.


-I look at personalityas having to do with specific traits that a person has that defines who they are.I've found it important that my personality and that of my spouse should be close. Not identical but close to one another. If you don't have similar personalities, your outlook on life could be so vastly different that meshing life together could end up being a nightmare. I look at character as someone who has moral excellence, someone with a good reputation, a person of note. Compatibility tells me whether i would be able to live congenially or congruently with a certain man or not. This has more to do with connecting personalities than anything else.


For myself, generally these things haven't changed over time because I am still basically the same person I was 25 years ago, only older and hopefully wiser. Yes, needs do change as life changesbut the person deep within really does not change.



What surprises did you have after getting married?


- One big surprise I found over time in my marriage is that the things you find endearing in your spouse before you get married can become extremely irritating once you are married.


- On the other hand there are other things that you really don't notice about your spouse before marriage that do become endearing as time goes on. Little quirks that they might have that you don't know about until you've been married for awhile.


- I found out also that I became surprised at how much I really liked being married.

What are the biggest things you'd offer as advice to those who haven't married yet?


- Always remember that your marriage is not about two people in love, it's about three people in love. You, your spouse and God. Make Him first in your life and He will make your marriage flourish, leave Him out of your life and your marriage will start to disintegrate.


- Never expect to change the person you are going to marry. Love them exactly as they are today and don't expect change. Picture that person as being the same way all their life and ask yourself if you would still be able to live with them and love them in 50 years that way. If you can answer yes, then I think you are ready to marry them.


- Make sure you talk about everything, and I mean everything, big before marriage, not afterward. This should include what your views are on:


1.finances,


2. raising a family, your own and extended family


3.spiritual matters


4. sex


and not all in that order. Talk, talk, talk and talk and after you are married, talk, talk, talk, and talk, through every stage of your life.


- Always be willing to listen. If you talk as much as I say, listen even double that amount. Be willing to listen at the most inconvenient times of your married life, whether you are busy working, having fun and playing, trying to snooze on the couch, enjoying your hobbies or just hanging around, if your spouse wants to talk, stop and listen.
 
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