shellyg is offline shellyg Post #1  April 6,2009, 3:41am
shellyg's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 417

See profile



This most important thing creates harmony in any relationship between human beings. Without it, we sink to our survival instincts of selfish greed, hatred, and confusion about life. This most important thing has nothing to do with religious beliefs or ideals; it is a very human element. We could call it love, however love has many faces, and the love we speak of here is not a love where we might love one but hate another, because that “other” could easily become you someday. If the capacity for hatred remains inside of us, it’s only a matter of time before that hatred is turned on those we supposedly love – the hatred is too painful to hold inside and must be released, usually on the ones nearest and dearest. This is because the “love” we thought we had for each other had been no more than lust and attachment, not authentic love at all.


What are your thoughts on unconditional love?
 
  Reply With Quote
landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #2  April 6,2009, 6:57pm
landstar59's Avatar

There is no fear in love.

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2008

30.5 Lat / -90.45 Long

Posts: 1,921

See profile



Unconditional love. I received it from my Grandmother on my mother's side. I don't think I have ever been loved this way by the opposite sex. I have given unconditional love to only 2 or 3 people in my life, they were love interests.It is not easily done but it is the way God loves us and requires us to love others. The scary thing is that sometimes there is a problem of putting this person on a pedestal as I have done in the past and seeing them in a better light than they actually were. It is complete disillusionment and undeserved by them. Was it real love?... yes. Do I still love them now that I know more?...yes. The good thing is I have moved on.
 
  Reply With Quote
shellyg is offline shellyg Post #3  April 7,2009, 2:08am
shellyg's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 417

See profile



I understand exactly what you are saying and have done the same with a couple of love interests.


Unconditional love is either in your heart or it isn't. The fearful thoughts are the ones that keep you from unconditional love. Unconditional love is born, because our thoughts are our “selves,” and as we slowly distance ourselves from our negative thoughts, we slowly distance ourselves from our negative “selves,” and when we do that, the hatred we once had for those we don’t agree with softens, and we become unconditionally loving.


This is the way to the strongest relationship possible – it’s the most important thing. Lust and attachment to your SO will fade and this is when the majority of marriages and relationships fail.
 
  Reply With Quote
WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #4  May 23,2009, 6:32am
WeDesignOurLi…'s Avatar

is 20% off this week only!

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2007

Philly

Posts: 2,958

See profile

"This most important thing creates harmony in any relationship between human beings."

I don't believe that at all. You and I have harmony with lots of different people in different ways and none of them have unconditional love....there's certainly trust in all of them and whatever else but not UL as far as I can see.

And I don't even think it's present in very strong relationships. If you disagree then why does that level of love change when the other person does something wrong? I just don't think UL makes infidelity acceptable for example.

And I think when LS said "I don't think I have ever been loved this way by the opposite sex." I can absolutely believe it. I think UL only exists when it's part of the 'inherent setup'... that the scenario of the relationship was setup from the start... a mother, a pet, it's the way it is from the start and what happens doesn't change it.

But when you develop relationships anew to me it's more like a bank account of trust...you act well and you make deposits...you act poorly and it's a withdrawl but if you have enough in there it's not a big deal (but cheating is a really really big withdrawl...might be everything).

But what you just said about distancing ourselves from our negative feelings...that really does speak to the core of what it is. I think what you all UL I call 'existential love'... it's the willingness to detach and accept what-is, as-is. That's fine for an existential-buddhist mind exercise but in the conventional world where expectations fuel responses (like Landstar was alluding to), it's not realistic to me (hence we could have UL for god but not a person).

Just how I see it...I'm not willing to accept people's claims blindly no matter how beautiflly expressed or kind-hearted it may be. I think finding out what love really is and how it works can make people happier and that's what counts to me.
 
  Reply With Quote
landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #5  May 25,2009, 12:00pm
landstar59's Avatar

There is no fear in love.

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2008

30.5 Lat / -90.45 Long

Posts: 1,921

See profile

I think the only way people can love unconditionally is to lose every judgement they have about a person and look at them with eyes not of their own but with God's eyes, as he sees them.

WDOL, lighten up dude. You need a hug!
 
  Reply With Quote
HamletSword is offline HamletSword Post #6  May 29,2009, 1:31pm
HamletSword's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2009

Houston, Texas

Posts: 15

See profile

A child will often accuse a parent of not loving them because they will not accept the actions or appearance the child wishes to pursue. This is the best and easiest example I can think of to demonstrate the difference between the unconditional love the parent offers and the unconditional relationship, unconditional approval, or unconditional acceptance the child desires.

I love women, but the conditions I place on my relationships with women has resulted in the fact that I love most of them from a very safe distance.
 
  Reply With Quote
landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #7  May 30,2009, 4:31am
landstar59's Avatar

There is no fear in love.

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2008

30.5 Lat / -90.45 Long

Posts: 1,921

See profile

HamletSword wrote :
A child will often accuse a parent of not loving them because they will not accept the actions or appearance the child wishes to pursue. This is the best and easiest example I can think of to demonstrate the difference between the unconditional love the parent offers and the unconditional relationship, unconditional approval, or unconditional acceptance the child desires.

I love women, but the conditions I place on my relationships with women has resulted in the fact that I love most of them from a very safe distance.
I would have to say that applies to the majority of people in the world HS, and I find your last statement amusingly honest.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  May 30,2009, 5:52am
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

If you believe you are capable of unconditional love, particularly in an ongoing intimate relationship, imagine this:

You've been married a few years to a great guy. There are the usual ups and downs and the occasional tiff, but you feel you've both weathered them well. There are moments that seem a bit off, but you accept as a part of maturity that accepting another's faults and foibles is just part of being in a relationship.

You come home early from work one day to find him boffing the barely-legal babysitter on your dining room table. The next day you discover he's cleaned out your joint account and the equity credit line on the house and run off to Rio with said babysitter.

Still feeling unconditional about that love?

Suppose he returns. He admits his guilt, his issues. He promises to make it right. To get therapy. To repay the money. To repair the relationship. You decide to give it a chance.

Two months in you discover he's not only skipping his therapy appointments, but you're starting to get phone calls from other women he's been involved with. Asking some questions, you find out that his infidelity has been part of your relationship from day one.

Are you not going to put conditions on this love now?

Esoteric love from a distance is possible. I have people in my own life who've caused enough damage that I have to love them from a safe distance, which basically means letting go of anger and not wishing them any harm, perhaps even wishing them well. It does not mean living with abusive or neglectful behavior day to day. That, to me, is not love. It's martyrdom.
 
  Reply With Quote
mT_TechGrl is offline mT_TechGrl Post #9  May 30,2009, 2:35pm
mT_TechGrl's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

NJ

Posts: 1,284

See profile

landstar59 wrote :
I think the only way people can love unconditionally is to lose every judgement they have about a person and look at them with eyes not of their own but with God's eyes, as he sees them.

WDOL, lighten up dude. You need a hug!
This is great! I second that motion!

Maybe the mental interferes with the emotional/spiritual? Unconditional love requires firm unwavering faith in yourself, trust, and being open and accepting of self. Why? Because in order to see such beauty in another and love another in such a way, you have to have done it for YOURSELF. I am not talking EGO. I am talking being whole and complete. Love is supposed to be unconditional. Unfortunately, it is not marketable to the masses this way. Shame. Lots of people miss out.

Take this example: I can love you and still not like you at times and you need not stop being you. Acceptance is the key.
 
  Reply With Quote
landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #10  May 30,2009, 6:35pm
landstar59's Avatar

There is no fear in love.

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2008

30.5 Lat / -90.45 Long

Posts: 1,921

See profile

littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
If you believe you are capable of unconditional love, particularly in an ongoing intimate relationship, imagine this:

You've been married a few years to a great guy. There are the usual ups and downs and the occasional tiff, but you feel you've both weathered them well. There are moments that seem a bit off, but you accept as a part of maturity that accepting another's faults and foibles is just part of being in a relationship.

You come home early from work one day to find him boffing the barely-legal babysitter on your dining room table. The next day you discover he's cleaned out your joint account and the equity credit line on the house and run off to Rio with said babysitter.

Still feeling unconditional about that love?

Suppose he returns. He admits his guilt, his issues. He promises to make it right. To get therapy. To repay the money. To repair the relationship. You decide to give it a chance.

Two months in you discover he's not only skipping his therapy appointments, but you're starting to get phone calls from other women he's been involved with. Asking some questions, you find out that his infidelity has been part of your relationship from day one.

Are you not going to put conditions on this love now?

Esoteric love from a distance is possible. I have people in my own life who've caused enough damage that I have to love them from a safe distance, which basically means letting go of anger and not wishing them any harm, perhaps even wishing them well. It does not mean living with abusive or neglectful behavior day to day. That, to me, is not love. It's martyrdom.
You paint such a vivid picture and you sure make a point there friend. I can see why you feel as you do and I agree with you on it being martyrdom. I don't feel I'm up for sainthood just yet.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« constantly connected | Beautiful minds | - »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“He broke up...The best way to stay hung-up is to keep dwelling,wishing, hoping, reminiscing....Like staring at an empty bottle of booze when you are trying to quit drinking. Rather than focus on a ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “Can I wait and move on at the same time?” discussion

“Oh how annoying - I had typed a HUGE post prompted by TheThinker's query as to why I would think it a good idea to wait 5-10 years to date/or until children are out of the house. I am too annoyed to ... ” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“This is very true. If someone has a truly old /outdated account since the questionnaire was altered then it's a decent solution. It's become an urban legend on eHA that this is a good idea. Mostly ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Shared interests and ones who are laddetts for mine.” –  ian80au

Join the “Green Flags in Profiles” discussion

“Completely cancel /delete your existing account. That will also cancel /delete all long-dead, geographically irrelevant matches. Since you are in a new area it's silly to use an old /outdated ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “Removing old matches - there has to be a better way” discussion

“I'm very sorry for your loss, Suzanne. It's not surprising you're feeling confused and making some memory errors. That happened to me too when my mother died. Life just isn't normal for awhile. ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Photo Review” discussion

“I am closing this thread since the Original Poster (OP) was asking about the eHarmony of 2-1/2 years ago -- the thread is old (see date in the upper right of the first post). Some responses will no ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“Thanks for your advice guys, really helps out. I guess everything is a matter of balance, which isn't something that I can work out right now. I think I will focus on school for the remaining 3 years ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:27am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0