Christian Breakup Cures

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PreachersSon Post #1 August 14,2009, 3:10am

Like Ben Franklin, wonders if it is a rising or a setting sun.

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I was just wondering what exactly a good Christian does to heal a broken heart? I mean, of course, there is the obvious: Spend more time in prayer and Bible study, enjoy your solitude, etc. Beyond that, though, I'm nursing a bad case of heartbreak, and having a hard time processing it properly. It was an amicable break, so there's no bitterness or anger to speak of, and the sting of rejection is minimal, so it's not that. It's also not as if I don't enjoy my own company either, so it's not that aching, desparate loneliness we all grapple with, except in this one respect: specific loneliness for HER. This was a relationship that I really saw a future in. It's been a couple of months, and I'm still trying to process the grief.

Anyway, that's enough backstory, I suppose. I don't want this to be one of those, "It's just so awful, you don't understand..." threads. But the question I have is this: How does a Christian "grieve" a relationship?

Let me tell you what I'm not looking for. There's a thread on here somewhere about "The best breakup movies," meaning movies about breakups, that are supposed to heal a heart, but most of those, honestly, aren't fit for a Christian to put in their mind, from the swearing to the violence to the extramarital sex, to the alcohol. So, I don't think that route is particularly profitable. I know some (most, me included) would also have sad "breakup songs" that resonate. Two that have been on my mental soundtrack lately are "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, and, for her mindset, "White Horse" by the same...songstress(?) But, I'm not sure that is really a proper avenue for a Christian to mourn, either, given that those are secular songs, that don't take into account, to qoute a confession of faith, "the radical difference between the saved and the lost." Besides the fact that listening to sad songs when you're sad tends to make you...more sad. Which isn't particularly what you're after.

I'm also wary of "the rebound." For one thing, personally, I don't want another relationship right now, and couldn't be fair to one anyway. Which makes my remaining two months of eHarmony (They did the "automatic rollover" on me.), and the 20 something matches that are stacked up in the inbox essentially useless. Still, I know that that is a way some people deal with it. ("Get back on the horse after it throws you" , or "Get back out there and find somebody better", or other motivational stuff.) I'm not there yet, and don't want to jump the gun. Of course, I'm not just wallowing in self pity, either (At least, I HOPE not!). I am moving ahead in other areas, and carrying on.

So, I guess what I am asking is, besides these obvious mainstays, what else can a committed Christian do, not just to stifle the grief, but to properly process it, and let it do the work God intended? What say you?

PreachersSon Post #2 July 11,2010, 6:52pm

Like Ben Franklin, wonders if it is a rising or a setting sun.

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I just wanted to bump this to the top of the list to see if it gets any more response. It's had a high number of views, but nobody willing to take on the challenge of posting. I have experienced a degree of healing in the past year (Hey, I don't fall often, but I fall hard.

), but wanted to see whether anybody else had some insight before I share my own. So, any takers?

faith_2share Post #3 July 12,2010, 5:13am

Smelling the roses

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I just wanted to post a quick note to let you know that I did read your thread, but that but I don't think I am really qualified to post to it. It has been a long time since my last "broken heart" and I think the advice you are after is better coming from someone who has "walked a mile in your moccosins" so to speak. I hope others can offer some suggestions though and would be interested in reading what this thread brings up.

PreachersSon Post #4 July 12,2010, 9:33pm

Like Ben Franklin, wonders if it is a rising or a setting sun.

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Fair enough.Thanks for your note. I must admit, I'm tempted to ask how it is that it's been "a long time" since you've had your heart broken, but I won't. I won't make any snide comments about it either.

I will tackle your "walked a mile in your moccasins" analogy, though. Have you ever heard the joke about why you shouldn't criticize someone untill you've walked a mile in their shoes? Because, by then, you're a mile away--and you have their shoes!

Anyway... I'm also interested to see if anyone else will comment, so I'm going to leave it up for a bit before I put in my two cents.

faith_2share Post #5 July 13,2010, 5:59am

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Hahaha...so you're a funny man now are you?

I admit the joke made me smile, so thanks! As for your comments regarding my "broken heart" well...I think that is someting for another thread. Guess you'll have to think up one if you want to know more!

Until then, you'll have to wait.

However, I think I can speak for the rest of the readers when I say....We are tired of being in suspence. We don't want to wait any longer to have your comments on this thread. So, let's hear your "two cents" on the topic of Christian Breakup Cures.

Maybe if you tell us how to deal with it, I can use it the next time it happens to me!

PreachersSon Post #6 July 15,2010, 7:50am

Like Ben Franklin, wonders if it is a rising or a setting sun.

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Just a quick note. I haven't deliberately been keeping anyone in suspense. I was just hoping someone else might post something useful. My own contribution will just be what has worked for me, and may not even be transferrable.

That being said, I did try to post this morning, but about 3/4 of the way through, my computer ate it, and wouldn't let me post again. So... I tried, really I did. I'll try to post again either tonight or tomorrow, but no guarantees. So, bear with me on this. Thanks.

faith_2share Post #7 July 15,2010, 8:47am

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I have had that same thing happen to me before and it is rather annoying to say the least, so I "guess" we can cut you some slack, right everybody??

After all what's a few more hours of sitting on pins and needles!

takemeasIam Post #8 July 15,2010, 2:51pm

Summer passes way too quickly, don't you think?

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Here I go:
#1 Realize that God has a plan for your life.
#2 Realize that this event had a purpose.
#3 Be glad that it was an amiable split.
#4 Trust in God to help guide you to the one who is meant for you.
#5 Trust in yourself and your instincts the next time you attempt a relationship.
#6 Realize this one broke up, but you still have a life to live.
#7 Repeat step #4.

Hang in there......For some reason, your relationship ended. Grow from this experience. Realize perhaps the "one" for you has not gotten to you yet.

PreachersSon Post #9 July 17,2010, 8:21pm

Like Ben Franklin, wonders if it is a rising or a setting sun.

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First, thanks for posting. I know I still haven't posted my "remedies" yet--and this is not that post.

While I do appreciate your exhortation at the end, I have to take issue with several of your points. First, overall, they are awfully cerebral for what is an overwhelmingly emotional experience. Several of them include "Realize" thus and such. That's great as far as it goes, but there is a big difference between knowing something intellectually, and it actually being any use to you. I was actually looking for something more along the lines of practical things to do to soothe the pain, or deal with it in a profitable way, so that it becomes a tool of God for our improvement, rather than, as is so often the case, stuffing it with platitudes, or letting it fester into bitterness or pointless, incessant mourning.

Taking your post point by point,

#1 Yes, God has a plan, but He also allows us to make choices that deviate from His perfect will. Perhaps this breakup, or something previous, disrupted God's perfect plan for my life, and there's no fixing it. Check out Numbers 13-14 on that, particuiarly 14:39-ff

#2 This is not something that "just happened" to me. I know it had a reason, but that is not the same as a purpose. One of the main reasons for the break up was mistakes on my part, but that's different from a purpose.

#3 Granted. I'm grateful for the amicable part, just not for the split.

Although maybe some day I will be.

#4 and #7 Again, this may be false hope. What if, as is likely, I've missed "the one" by my actions contrary to the plan of God for my life, or I've meet her and lost her? Actions have consequences., and Satan and the flesh are real. I'm not saying God can't be trusted. I'm saying that I can't be.

#5 Granted, although with reservations, as long as it doesn't become "just doing what comes naturally." You have to be constrained by principle. I'd rather do the best I can, and trust God. Besides, I'd like to think I have pretty good instincts. My problem is actually acting on them. But what about those (women especially seem to be afflicted with this) whose "instinct" is to be afraid, break off the relationship, and run, whenever they start to feel something? Following their "instincts" or gut, is precisely what they should NOT do, and may be what is keeping them from finding "the one" God has for them.

#6 Granted, without reservation.

Again, thanks for posting. I hope my critique won't keep you form posting again.

faith_2share Post #10 July 21,2010, 9:57pm

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Ok....I am going to take a stab at this thread. I will warn all those who read my post of a few things. First of all, I have only had one real rough break up, all the other times a relationship ended it was pretty peaceable and it was a move that both I and the guy agreed should happen. I have never broken up with a guy and not remained friends with him. Secondly, I have not seriously dated for a number of years. Because of this, I feel as though my suggestions on this thread's topic may not be relevant, but I am going to post anyway and maybe my naive comments will stir up some conversation on here. With all that said here are my suggestions....

1. After a break up....give the other person the space they need to sort through their emotions and feelings and allow yourself to do the same. This is especially true if you desire to the relationship to return to that of "just friend" status. I suggest not calling, texting, or dropping by for a visit until you have had a few group interactions where you can casually "read" their body language. If you get a good feel about things and there is little awkwardness, then a call on the phone for a QUICK chat would be the next step. Remember, go slow!!

2. I usually journaled how I was feeling. It was a source of release for me. I always figured that it got out all those knotted up and confused feelings, without me dumping on someone else. I would keep the journal entry for a few weeks, and then reread them. I guess that sounds dumb, but it is amazing the clarity that I would get from doing this. I would then throw the entries out. I know this goes against what most people would think to do, but I looked at it like a purging. I was free from those tangled and distorted thoughts that were a product of my wounded emotions and broken heart.

3. I would reevaluate my prayer list of things that I desired in a husband. Sometimes, I would see things that I had been thinking I wanted or needed, that quite frankly I learned God did not desire for me. I also found that at times I would add a few things too. The prayer list has changed alot over the years, but I think it has always been for the best!

4. I also found that after a break-up I tended to be negative toward men in general. Knowing that this was a bad trend, I determined to seek out friends that were guys who I knew would not take advantage of me, but would be like a 'big brother' to me. I not only did it keep me from being a man hater, but it also helped to fill that void of a male presence that I was experiencing at the time. I would warn though, you need to be careful to not seek someone out to "replace" your lost love....but rather, just make sure you are surrounded by those who can and will allow your heart to heal. No one wants a rebounded heart! It never works out!! Trust me, I have been down that road...it never ends well! Use caution, but don't shy away from the opposite sex, just because one didn't prove to be your dream come true.

Ok...now I could add a list of spiritual responses, next. However, most of them have been listed and discussed by other posters, so I am just going to say two things in regards to this....

1. Keep holding on the truths found in God's Word. God is faithful and unchanging. We all have verses we like to camp out on or that bring us hope and comfort. Remember those promises and count on Him to keep them. These verses for you may be different than for me. The verse I love to quote is Jeremiah 29:11.

2. Remember that those things which we count as unwanted and painful, often bring about the most productive growth and draw us closer to God. I know it sounds like a cliché, but I know no other way to say it....God has a design, a plan, and a purpose for everything.

Alright, I am sure there will be some pickuing apart of my thoughts here, but at least I tried!

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