Plea for Decency and a warning for good folks - YaYa Ladies


 
 
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Wish4Eden is offline Wish4Eden Post #1  September 15,2008, 8:07am
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Let's call this a plea for decency. If you're newly widowed, please give yourself some time to grieve, heal and be sure you're ready to move on before you get involved with someone. I've already encountered one man (Tom from Tallahassee, FL) on here who was deliberately vague about when his wife died. Turned out his wife of 10 years had died only 3 months before and he had already dated a couple other women prior to meeting me, but had (in his words) not hit it off with anyone till me. As soon as I knew he was a widower, I did alot of on-line reading about what special considerations there would be in a relationship with a widower. I was very open with him about his late wife and tried to be as supportive and understanding as I could be. I was respectful of his relationship with her and acknowledged that she would always be a part of who he had become. When I visited his home and saw photos of her all over the house, I was shocked at how similar we looked and that he had never mentioned that fact. It was also disconcerting that he had her ashes in a cardboard box on his dresser, despite the fact that she had a specific request (or that's what he told me) for her ashes to be spread with her Mother's ashes in a garden at her sister's house, which I don't think he's ever done. However, what I hadn't anticipated was that this guy played me as his new lease on love and healing for 4 months, then suddenly retreated. Naive me assumed it was him withdrawing because he felt he was getting too close. Turns out he was pursuing other matches. After 3 months, not knowing that he was hooking up elsewhere, he comes back to me and says that after talking to his "Momma" he realizes how special what we had was, said he had really loved me but was afraid of feeling unfaithful to his late wife and afraid of losing someone else. Those were things I could understand, but the truth was he had seen someone else for a while and so he comes back to "patch things up" with me. I'm my always honest self with him and tell him I can't be with him if he's going to run away every time there's some tough day ( her birthday, their anniversary, holidays, etc. ) and he assures me that he understands it's better to talk about it. I also tell him I can't be with him unless I'm the only one he's intimate with. His words were "I promise you...no....I guarantee you that I won't be intimate with anyone but you". In just the 2 weeks since he spoke those words to me as he looked me in the eye, he's updated his profile not once, but twice here on E-Harmony and portrays himself as honest, caring with a big heart, loyal, faithful and looking to "build a relationship with someone I can trust and love", when the truth is that he isn't any of those things and isn't ready for any sort of a real relationship. What could possibly be going through the mind of someone who considers falling in love a dishonor to his late wife, but having intimate relationships with a string of women right after she passes away and being cruelly dishonest with those women and acts like that's a tribute to his late wife? Shame on anyone who plays and preys on people like that. Here's a word to the people out there considering dating a widow/widower.....be careful and made sure you talk with those people about their grief and healing and especially their readiness to love again.


Stabbed in the heart in Summerfield, FL and hoping to help someone else avoid this (man) pain.
 
 
offthebeatenpath is offline offthebeatenpath Post #2  September 19,2008, 9:48pm
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lunch date went well. moving on to this week end.

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He jsut lost his wife. Perhaps he was shallow to begin with or perhaps he is grieving. Hard to say. But i try to avoid people who have been widowed especially recently and those separated. I would imagine he's trying to easy his pain and doesn't know how to go on. This wasn't what he expected for his life. It's best to date people who are emotionally availiable. I sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it has been painful.
 
 
Wish4Eden is offline Wish4Eden Post #3  September 25,2008, 9:29pm
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offthebeatenpath,265068 wrote :

He jsut lost his wife. Perhaps he was shallow to begin with or perhaps he is grieving. Hard to say. But i try to avoid people who have been widowed especially recently and those separated. I would imagine he's trying to easy his pain and doesn't know how to go on. This wasn't what he expected for his life. It's best to date people who are emotionally availiable. I sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it has been painful.
Thanks for your kind words. There's no excuse for his behaviour and whatever his reasons were and are (since he's still connecting with other women on EH), he has to live with the consequences of his choices. For me, I've closed the match and moved on, but hope that if someone else reads that post, they may be able to avoid the heartache I went through. I agree with your perspective that caution is the best way to approach someone newly divorced or widowed. Here's to better days and better matches!
 
 
corky44 is offline corky44 Post #4  October 2,2008, 8:35pm
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Wish4Eden,272149 wrote :

offthebeatenpath,265068 wrote :


He jsut lost his wife. Perhaps he was shallow to begin with or perhaps he is grieving. Hard to say. But i try to avoid people who have been widowed especially recently and those separated. I would imagine he's trying to easy his pain and doesn't know how to go on. This wasn't what he expected for his life. It's best to date people who are emotionally availiable. I sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it has been painful.


Thanks for your kind words. There's no excuse for his behaviour and whatever his reasons were and are (since he's still connecting with other women on EH), he has to live with the consequences of his choices. For me, I've closed the match and moved on, but hope that if someone else reads that post, they may be able to avoid the heartache I went through. I agree with your perspective that caution is the best way to approach someone newly divorced or widowed. Here's to better days and better matches!
I noticed you posted this in many places. Did you call EH about it? (if you said that in your post and I missed it, sorry). One of the things you agree to in their terms of service is that you are emotionally available. If he's not, then EH should be made aware. They might remove him so others aren't matched in the first place
 
 
DianaInHouston is offline DianaInHouston Post #5  October 2,2008, 10:39pm
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has a SECOND new ring from Motorcycle Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I am dating a widower (of about 10+ years) andwe still has issues that arise. He is constantly afraid that something bad is going to happen to me or that he will be hurt again in such a way that he may never recover. I think this is probably a fairly normal reaction to having had your heart abruptly pulled from your chest without warning.


However, your match is conning you. He is obviously having issues getting on with his life, but he is also lying his butt off to you about seeing other people. If he is NOT seeing other women, it is certainlynot for a lack of trying.


I hate to tell you this but if he can't even keep the promise he made to his late wife, what makes you think he will keep his promises to you?


I say you move on to someone who is willing and able to love you as you deserve.
 
 
FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #6  October 19,2008, 7:38pm
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I agree with Diana.
 
 
carolyn39 is offline carolyn39 Post #7  October 30,2008, 7:10am
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is happy.

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for sure, run away fast and move on!
 
 
 


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