RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #1  June 30,2009, 7:45pm

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It's embarrassing.
I'm on my first date, sitting in a local Starbucks and we are discussing out backgrounds.
I love music so we are talking about live music we have seen. My husband was a drummer in a plethora of local rock cover bands and knew hundreds of people.
Turns out the new potential knows the group hubby was in, has seen my husband play the drums and suddenly I'm talking about how great hubby was.

Or this great one--2 years ago on the 4th of July, I'm on a 3rd date with a nice guy and a new group of people come aboard the boat parked in the cove where fireworks are going to be shot off that night.
We introduce ourselves-where we work and I mention I worked for Ma Bell- New person on the boat says Do you know so and so-oh yes say I..My husband was a union VP with so and so.
She gets big eyes--Was your husband RC? Yes! I say..Oh my dear you poor girl she says. We all loved him so much.
Now I'm in tears, my date is confused and I have yet again spoiled a potential relationship with stories of my husband.

I've been widowed for over 4 years now. I've changed the furniture, taken the pictures down, and am seriously looking for a new life with a new partner.

I am ready! What can I do!
Help!
Roxy
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  July 1,2009, 7:12am
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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I would not hold it against a person who spoke about their late spouse in glowing terms. Quite the opposite! Especially if he was a well-liked, well-rounded individual, as your appears to have been.

I would manage those tears, though. Concentrate on the good things, how your husband would want you to find a love worthy of following his.

To me, your husband sounds like he'd be your biggest fan, cheering you on. That's nothing to cry about!

But I don't even have my Matches turned on. What do I know?

Best of luck to you.
Last edited by j0hn8andy; July 1,2009 at 7:34am.
 
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zal is offline zal Post #3  July 10,2009, 11:34am
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
It's embarrassing.
I'm on my first date, sitting in a local Starbucks and we are discussing out backgrounds.
I love music so we are talking about live music we have seen. My husband was a drummer in a plethora of local rock cover bands and knew hundreds of people.
Turns out the new potential knows the group hubby was in, has seen my husband play the drums and suddenly I'm talking about how great hubby was.

Or this great one--2 years ago on the 4th of July, I'm on a 3rd date with a nice guy and a new group of people come aboard the boat parked in the cove where fireworks are going to be shot off that night.
We introduce ourselves-where we work and I mention I worked for Ma Bell- New person on the boat says Do you know so and so-oh yes say I..My husband was a union VP with so and so.
She gets big eyes--Was your husband RC? Yes! I say..Oh my dear you poor girl she says. We all loved him so much.
Now I'm in tears, my date is confused and I have yet again spoiled a potential relationship with stories of my husband.

I've been widowed for over 4 years now. I've changed the furniture, taken the pictures down, and am seriously looking for a new life with a new partner.

I am ready! What can I do!
Help!
Roxy
It's good to know that I'm not alone. Widowed 4 1/2 years. I think it's difficult because, unlike, the divorced, we have only fond memories of our "exes". I don't think we ever "get over" our lost loved ones, but we do get on with our lives. If it helps any, my experience has been that nobody holds it against us. I think it would be worse if you were divorced and still held on to the bitterness.

The hardest thing for me has been finding a way to talk about the past when it comes up. Invariably I'm asked "have you been married" or "when did you get divorced". "I am a widow" really does change the conversation, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Ultimately, I think we just have to accept our past as part of ourselves. It's important that your romantic interests know that they are not competing against a ghost, but that the "ghost" is a part of you.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #4  July 26,2009, 8:25pm
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Try to look at it this way, any man that would loos interest because you were talking about your late husband is not worth the effort to keep trying to see him. Love is not something you can turn on and off like the tap. To me, what you described is showing loyalty (which is an outstanding attribute in a woman, well for a man too). You are not doing anything wrong.
 
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