j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #1  December 19,2010, 9:55pm
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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What about our rings?

Probably most of the ladies wore wedding rings (some in sets) and some of the men, as well.

When do we take them off for good...and how is it we get there?

Ladies...Did you have your engagement rings reset? What have you done with your husband's ring?

Men...What about your own and your wife's rings?

As this is so personal...I'll go first. It's been two years now...and I still wear mine. I'm not dating yet, and I tell myself that's why. But the fact is...I just can't bear to take it off yet. And that's why I'm not dating.

The diamond is as beautiful now as the day I first got it, and every time I look at it I remember...how my hand shook when I first wore it, the excitement with which I showed my friends, and how proud he was to give it to me. It means all that.

I wear his, too...right hand, third finger. It's big, and I have to be careful not to lose it. His is not the usual band; I might be able to "get away" with wearing it a long time.

He gave me a sapphire ring for our 5th anniversary. My plan is to wear that (which I do now sometimes) in lieu of my wedding set when/if I decide to "put it out there" again.

I have considered having them reset. It's complicated, but after he died I placed my jewelry in Trust. I would have to buy them back prior to resetting.

So that's me. What about you?

j8a
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  December 20,2010, 2:29am
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Our wedding rings, her engagement ring, a 10 diamond anniversary ring, diamond earrings and a few other things are all locked up in my gun safe. They'll probably go to my daughter to have reset into whatever she wants. I'm thinking her five year wedding anniversary would be a good time for my son in-law to take care of that. All the other gold and jewelery was given to her shortly after Sue died.

****

My (great)aunt May was widowed when she was in her 40's and she wore her wedding rings until she died....at 99 years old.
 
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camper33 is offline camper33 Post #3  December 20,2010, 9:33am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
What about our rings?

Probably most of the ladies wore wedding rings (some in sets) and some of the men, as well.

When do we take them off for good...and how is it we get there?

Ladies...Did you have your engagement rings reset? What have you done with your husband's ring?

Men...What about your own and your wife's rings?

As this is so personal...I'll go first. It's been two years now...and I still wear mine. I'm not dating yet, and I tell myself that's why. But the fact is...I just can't bear to take it off yet. And that's why I'm not dating.

The diamond is as beautiful now as the day I first got it, and every time I look at it I remember...how my hand shook when I first wore it, the excitement with which I showed my friends, and how proud he was to give it to me. It means all that.

I wear his, too...right hand, third finger. It's big, and I have to be careful not to lose it. His is not the usual band; I might be able to "get away" with wearing it a long time.

He gave me a sapphire ring for our 5th anniversary. My plan is to wear that (which I do now sometimes) in lieu of my wedding set when/if I decide to "put it out there" again.

I have considered having them reset. It's complicated, but after he died I placed my jewelry in Trust. I would have to buy them back prior to resetting.

So that's me. What about you?

j8a
================================================

Dear " j0hn8andy " ,

Why is it that our friends feel this great need to strip us of our rings ? It has been over 9 years since my beloved wife graduated to heaven . I still wear the ring that she placed on my left hand . It has never been off for more than a minute or two , and only a couple of times at that . I have been warned that any woman worth having will not look at me twice , " with a tourniquet on my ring finger " . ( And , that wedding rings " cut off your circulation " . )

Perhaps .

Whoever would be in any love relation with me will have to realize that I had a wife , and that I loved her . That I love her . THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I CAN"T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE ! Only that I will always love my first wife TOO .

At some point soon after my wife " passed " , my minister took me aside , and pointed out that the wedding vows that he had us repeat CLEARLY STATED , " till death do us part " . He said that he sees to it that those words are repeated in every wedding that he does . He said that Christianity does not want us to be alone , and my late wife wouldn't want me to be alone either . ( He knew her VERY well , as we were all friends . )

At some point , soon after Diane went to heaven , I made the conscious decision that I would be IN love again . I of course didn't know when , where , or with whom , but I WOULD .

Any woman who meets my needs , wants , and wishes , will realize that my love for my first wife will not diminish by one " iota " my love for my second wife .

At some point , before my second wife slips HER ring on my left hand , Diane's ring will , of course , be moved . To my right hand , to a necklace , to some other place of honor , but I don't know why I need to " toss it in Lake Huron , and get on with your ( my ) life " , now .

Sincerely ,

Your friend ,

Alec ,

( camper33 ) .
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  December 20,2010, 8:26pm
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j8a-

This is an interesting topic.

I wore my wedding set for 18 months or so after Mark passed away. The day I took them off was the day I decided I would test the waters and 'put myself out there.' It is a beautiful set, and it is locked away in my gun safe here at home. I have only one daughter, and if she wants the wedding set someday, it will be hers to do with as she chooses.

Though my wedding set was important, Mark gave me an incredible 3-stone diamond anniversary ring for our 10th wedding anniversary. He was already quite ill by this time, so he worked it our with our then teenage daughter to secretly take the payments to the jewelery store any time she would go shopping at the mall. In fact, they had chosen the diamonds and the setting together - it was a real team effort and had as much of her as him in it.

When Hans and I became serious, I showed him the ring and asked him how he would feel if I re-set the diamonds into a pendant or something else? He, being the incredible guy he is, actually told me he had no problem with me wearing the ring - that I didn't need to re-set it if I didn't really want to. That blew me away, and it took awhile for me to figure out what I wanted to do. Eventually, I did have the diamonds set into a custom designed pendant, and I wear it quite a bit. You can see it in my recent wedding pictures. Samantha (22) asked if I would keep the original setting because she wanted to have it someday for a ring of her own, so I have the empty setting also locked in the safe.

To camper33's point I never felt that anyone wanted me to take the wedding set off or 'strip' them from me, but I felt that if I wanted to get out there and date, I needed to feel ready. For me, it was symbolic to take the wedding set off, say a prayer, and set it carefully and safely aside. I knew that I would have a difficult time wearing the rings and feeling free to consider pursuing another relationship - even a casual one. And, I had a few thoughts that were I to continue wearing them, it might send the message that I was not ready to pursue something new. But that's ME.

I think you are going to get a variety of replies on this one, j8a. Thanks for posing the question.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  December 20,2010, 9:39pm
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tweet37 wrote :
My (great)aunt May was widowed when she was in her 40's and she wore her wedding rings until she died....at 99 years old.
Did she ever remarry?

camper33 wrote :
I made the conscious decision that I would be IN love again . I of course didn't know when , where , or with whom , but I WOULD .

At some point , before my second wife slips HER ring on my left hand ,Diane's ring will , of course , be moved . To my righthand , to a necklace , to some other place of honor , but I don't know why I need to " toss it in Lake Huron , and get on with your ( my ) life " , now .
Alec...please feel free to call me j8a; easier to type, that way.

I also made that decision early on. Even though (like you) I don't know when. I'm certain my husband wouldn't have left me when he did...young enough to love again...if I wasn't meant to do that. I'm not going to be alone my whole life; I'm just not made that way.

Good suggestion about the right hand; I tried it today, and it fits. I wouldn't want to wear his and mine over there...but I might consider alternating, when the time comes. So thanks for that!

tink333 wrote :
Eventually, I did have the diamonds set into a custom designed pendant, and I wear it quite a bit. You can see it in my recent wedding pictures.

I knew that I would have a difficult time wearing the rings and feeling free to consider pursuing another relationship - even a casual one. And, I had a few thoughts that were I to continue wearing them, it might send the message that I was not ready to pursue something new. But that's ME.
I did see your pendant, thanks. I noticed it right away first time I ever saw your pictures. Very nice.

Our thoughts are the same about wearing our rings and pursuing other interests. I did actually have one man ask me out for dinner when I was wearing my wedding set. But I don't expect that to happen very often...I think most men look.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; December 20,2010 at 9:41pm.
 
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winn is offline winn Post #6  December 20,2010, 10:58pm

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I think I've written about this before but, I'll say it again. I didn't know what to do with my rings when my husband died. For awhile I kept wearing them but it just didn't feel right anymore since I was no longer married. So I took them off completely for awhile and placed them in my jewelerry box. I needed time to decide what to do. I decided to resize the bands, which had just been repaired at considerable cost about 8 months before my husband died with the idea that we'd be married for another 25 years or more. I've always loved my ring set and all the more since I had carefully spent money repairing them. I think I needed some time away from them just to decide what to do and get used to my new status. Now I've put them back on again but onto my right hand instead of my left. This isn't completely permaent because i do often alternate them with another ring that is precious to me, my mother's wedding band with a stone that she used to have in an earring set. I alternate wearing the two rings but do find lately that i am wearing my wedding bands quite often. I hate to see them just laying around in a jewelery box and refuse to stick them out of sight in a safety deposit box. If I ever remarry, however, I may decide to give the set from my first husband to my daughter. My husband's wedding band was given to my son as a gift and he wears it faithfully on his middle finger of his right hand, when he isn't working that is.
 
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JediSoth is offline JediSoth Post #7  December 21,2010, 3:44am
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j8a,

I kept my wedding band on until I decided to start dating again. After that decision was made, I kept mine along with my late wife's on a chain around my neck for a while. I don't actually remember how long I kept that up; maybe another month or so.

Now the rings are locked away somewhere safe. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. My wedding band isn't worth much; titanium jewelry doesn't have much resale value right now. Her's is worth a fair bit, and there was a time I considered selling it to help pay down some of the debt I was left with when she passed, but I couldn't get a fair price for it at the time.

She had a half-sister I could give it to. The engagement ring was an heirloom, so it would be keeping it in the family, but after that side of the family got their little keepsakes of her from me, they pretty much severed contact; I didn't even get a Christmas card from them the year after she died! My late wife's wedding set will probably gather dust for the rest of my days.

JediSoth
AKA the Hans to which Tink333 refers
 
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Pilgrim007 is offline Pilgrim007 Post #8  December 21,2010, 3:57am
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Karen was buried with her rings. They were hers and I wanted her to have them forever .

My wedding band is at her sister’s house along with the things I have saved for our daughters. I have the oil painting that was done of Multnomah Falls the spot on the stone bridge I proposed. If they decide that they want their husband to have it that is fine but if not I think it is wrong for me to have it when I have set my heart on another.

IMHO
 
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SheketEchad is offline SheketEchad Post #9  December 21,2010, 8:57am
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I have a keepsake box that sits on my work desk. In it are many things of my husbands...ring, glasses, a bottle of cologne, photos, his driver's license, etc.

I kept my ring on (I only had a band, we were pretty simplistic) until I had a dream one night about not wearing it; tearing it off actually. When I woke the next morning the ring was gone. I still have not found it. So that kind of answered itself...in a weird way. I do wear a ring on my left hand; it is my 'Mom' ring that contains the birthstones of my three daughters.

When money is less of an issue for me, I intend to purchase a nice gold chain for his ring so that I can wear it.

It was nearly a year later before I joined eH and felt ready to date. That feeling changes from time to time, but nothing to do with my widowhood; it's more to do with my personhood I guess. Some days I am just not sure that I can do all that 'getting to know someone' over and over again before finding the right person to share the remainder of my life with. I don't lack energy in other areas of my life, so I don't think it's an energy problem per se. More perhaps that it is an emotional energy issue. I don't like to disappoint people, and I don't like to hurt others. So I am always worried I will not like someone who really likes me (kind of sounds arrogant, now that I read that...ugh) As such, I am more likely to take a friend route than a dating route, for lack of a better name for it.

I do find that for me, to visibly change my status (by not wearing my ring) was a sign that healing was beginning, and another step of the grief process. I would highly recommend the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion to anyone who has lost a spouse. It is refreshing, and it lets us all know that we each proceed through grief differently. And it is not a 1,2,3,4 sequential thing. More like two steps forward, one step back, surge, rinse, repeat type thing

I really enjoy this group, and I appreciate J8a setting it up.

~SE
 
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annother is offline annother Post #10  December 21,2010, 9:22am
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I didn't have an engagement ring (never wanted one) but we had matching wedding rings. After my husband died I gave my ring to our daughter and my husband's ring to our son. I don't think they have ever worn them, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
 
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