tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  May 21,2010, 5:20am
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Just wanted to share this with everyone - just in case it can help someone be safe- even just one person. I thought about posting this earlier and forgot about it for awhile while Hans and I were planning our wedding, and then I read something today that reminded me I wanted to put this out there. When I think of being scammed or otherwise lied to, I must admit I am a little sexist in my approach - and maybe a bit old fashioned as I immediately jump to thinking that it is a woman's issue. With the internet and technology being what they are today, it is not as slanted as it used to be. As we consider opening our hearts to let someone new into our lives after having lost our spouses, please also let us be well armed.

When I was in the dating scene, I sometimes felt a little exposed as a widow - I didn't put it in my profile, nor did I communicate it to a match until we were well into open communication. Even if I thought my bs detector was working, I sometimes felt I needed to find out if the guy had a criminal record, was bankrupt, or otherwise hiding something. I was using more than one site for matching (as many have discussed they are doing also), and I found that some of the other sites do not have some of the same checks and balances that EH seems to have, and even read about one EH person having been scammed last year or so.

That said, I also found resources that empowered me to feel less vulnerable, as they put me in a position to "check things out" if I had the least inkling something or someone might not be authentic. Rather than post the links here, Google search "romance scam" and follow the top links returned. There is a lot of good information out there. Some sites even have pictures posted.

One other tool I found quite helpful was the background check. For a nominal fee, one can obtain public domain information about anyone. Many of you may scoff at the idea of running a background check on any of your matches, but I actually did this for a couple of guys with whom I was matched. There are so many ways people can hide things, and again, as a self-supporting widow I was concerned I could become a great target. Do a Google search for "background check" to find the top sites.

This may all sound like common sense, but sometimes the sparkle of a new relationship can cause us to overlook or discard information that otherwise would raise red flags. People who love me tell me that I always want to see the "glass half-full," always the optimist, but in this day and age, it's important to see the glass clearly for what it is. I hope this can help someone rather than offend anyone.
 
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rcpilotva is offline rcpilotva Post #2  May 22,2010, 12:24pm

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my late wife did that on me and I on her early in our dating phase. we 'confessed' (she first, of course) to each other and laughed about it. she had been burned pretty badly prior to meeting me, and I was still healing from the betrayal of being abandoned from my 1st marraige.
considered tacky by some, I guess. In my age group, everybody has baggage, and I'm inclined to think I don't need someone else's if I venture down that road again.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  May 24,2010, 5:57pm
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I know that my BS detector doesn't well as I used to think it did! I learned from a bad experience that I should heed the advice of my friends and family. They don't call it being "crazy "about a person for nothing!
 
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CalalumniMD is offline CalalumniMD Post #4  July 25,2010, 12:38pm
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Thank you for your lovely, well written article. I am going to following your advice. I resonated with "feeling exposed". that's exactly how I feel. My husband died a young age of cancer in November 2009. I'm greiving but in May I decided I was ready to have an adult date to dinner, theater or a movie with polite conversation and levity. Ijoined 3 major sites in May. In mid-May a man from another site pursued. I was reluctant because he did not fit the parameters of what I wanted in a man. We met & I was smitten. He is 7 years older, handsome, dashing, charismatic and wicked smart. He pursued me intensely despite me saying I felt rushed and wanted to slow down. I became emotionally invested. Then when I was home sick with a cold, he asks me how I feel about open marriage? Later, he asks if I'm sleeping with other men I was meeting (no). Right before he was to become my first sexual partner in almost 38 years (I was married for 25 years) he says he wants me to describe sex I might have with other men, date a man 31 years younger than I and that he had genital herpes. Iwas furious. Today, he texted me to say no more communication, somehow evading all the no contacts I put in place a couple of weeks ago. What is scary he knows one of the places I work. I am in a high leadership role. Before I met my husband I never was manipulated, or deceived by men who presented themselves one way and in his case a sex addict. If anyone has advice of how we new widows can keep ourselves psychological safe with good self respect & boundaries while exploring this really scary world of online dating, I'm all ears. I even got hurt by a man who pursued me for 3 months on eHarmony. We are already hurting; we do not need to be wounded further.

By the way, congratulations on your marriage.
 
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CalalumniMD is offline CalalumniMD Post #5  July 25,2010, 12:38pm
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I agree!
 
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