Carol434 is offline Carol434 Post #1  March 28,2010, 12:10pm
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Anyone have any advise on how to approach dating and getting rid of the fear of it all. I was married 48 years to the same man (who died one year ago), we had a very happy marriage and I miss the companionship a lot. I want to begin the dating process but I feel so out of touch with all the modern dating rules. I am 68, I don't feel too old to start over.It would be so nice to share my life with someone but very scared to take that first step. Would appreciate any advise about how to begin and get over the fear.
 
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MustangSilly is offline MustangSilly Post #2  March 29,2010, 10:57am

finds these discussions quite interesting but somewhat confusing.

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Good morning Ms. Carol and welcome to the kindest group on this venue. May I express my sadness at your loss, one which I share?

From my personal experience only, might I suggest you may be somewhat premature in envisioning dating at this stage in your grief? Again, speaking only from my personal experience, one year along I was still quite rocky and surely not the best candidate for the dating scene and all its drama.

Have you read the other topics posted here by the group? There is discussion that, while it may not specifically answer your questions, does apply to your state of mind and well being as well as your desires.

Our group leader will, I'm sure, be by to also welcome you and perhaps she has suggestions as she is currently dating.

Best and heartfelt wishes, Sally
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #3  March 29,2010, 4:52pm

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Hi Carol..welcome to the group. And HI Sally..glad to see you posting again.

Carol, many of us here are in the same situation you find yourself in. And it's tough to deal with. As Sally mentioned, I AM currently in a relationship-have been for about 5 months-but my husband died 5 years ago.

Also, as I have written on other threads here, and as Sally mentioned as her own experience, the first year-18 months I was wacko..totally bouncing off the wall nuts. No way was I ready to date.

There are a lot of negative comments regarding dating widows on the main eHA boards, because many men seem to feel that the widows aren't ready to 'turn lose' of their love for their spouse. We have a pretty difficult time explaining to the men who say this kind of thing that most women are able to love more than one person in their lifetime, and that being in a good marriage gives us an upper hand when it comes to knowing how a good marriage is built.

I want to encourage you to make sure you're actually ready to give your heart away, should another man come into your life, before you try dating. Do you still have pictures up, have you still got his bathrobe hanging on the bathroom door? Is there aftershave in the medicine cabinet and have you given away all his clothes?

Until you've processed your grief, I encourage you to allow yourself time to do so before trying to date. It's pretty brutal out here and, honestly, the chances of finding another 'love of your life' are slim.

OTOH, former list member Tink got married this year to another former list member-both of them met here on the boards..so it's possible.

Just take it easy-take your time, post here about your feelings and make sure you are ready before you jump into the pool.

Big hugs
Roxy
 
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Max57 is offline Max57 Post #4  March 30,2010, 11:11am
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I haven't been around here for awhile ... 52 and widower of about 6 months now. So I don't have much "dating" experience. However, anyone we might "date" of our ages (regardless of whether its 50, 60, or 70) will also have history. More than likely that history will be fairly long or you may not be interested in that particular person.

That said, I think "love" for another at this point will just be different. We won't have the long relationship (27 years in my case) in which trust was a given, big surprises are kind of a thing of the past, etc.

There will be children, grandchildren, etc to consider. So you women are not alone. We face the same issues. (i.e., someone dealing with the fact that I loved my wife, still do, not going to change that.)

I know it may seem difficult but try finding a widower. We're the best catches anyway .
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #5  March 30,2010, 4:27pm

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I agree Max-my guy is a widower and one of the things he has said is that he hadn't been able to talk about his wife, who he was married to for 23 years, for a long time because women he dated were fearful of being compared to her.

On our 4th or 5th date, I mentioned my husband had passed away, and we spent the entire evening talking about the love we had had for our spouse and how much we missed them for so long, how difficult it was to move on.

He was relieved that, finally, he was able to be up front about his feelings instead of hiding them-and so was I, frankly.
 
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