funforgotten is offline funforgotten Post #1  December 30,2009, 1:49pm
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I am new to this and am feeling my way a little, so please bear with me.

I have been widowed for 18 months, after 19 years of marriage and two young children. I lost my husband to Pancreatic Cancer within 6 weeks of being diagnosed, which was no time to say goodbye. I was in shock for months, but had to carry on for my kids. I went to councelling and managed to cope on a daily basis by keeping myself busy.

Then something happened. I had known a man through a sport my husband and sons played and took the plunge by emailing him. It was all very innocent, discussing interests etc. This has gone on for 5 months, we have text, emailed and phoned eachother everyday, and have got together a couple of times with the kids and also alone. He is divorced and lonely, so I invited him to come stay over Christmas, he stayed with us before in the summer and all was friendly, hugs and stuff nothing more. Then this time it all changed. We became lovers.

He has now gone home, we have text and spoken as normal, but I think he is struggling with his demons. He has many relationship issues stemming back to his father, 2 divorces and a couple of failed relationships. Not sure where I stand, even though he tells me everything is fine. Am i opening myself up to heartache? I am not sure I could cope with rejection right now. I never thought I would find someone else having had such a goodt relationship with my husband, but lonliness can be a depressing and demotivating thing.

Advice would be welcome, even if you can offer support of any kind. I can't talk about this to any of my friends, I don't want them to worry,

Thank you for listenting.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #2  December 31,2009, 3:11pm

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Darn-I posted to you but my post was either hit by the mod squad or eaten by the cyber-monster and I don't have time right now to write it again.

But I'll try again tomorrow!
Meanwhile, have a good evening.
 
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funforgotten is offline funforgotten Post #3  December 31,2009, 3:17pm
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Thanks honey - looking forward to hear any advice!

Happy New Year! x
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  January 1,2010, 8:03am

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I see you've posted this on a couple of different boards-which can be a good idea, because not everyone reads here.

So over on the Relationship board you'll find a couple of answers and I'm betting more will shop up as people tear themselves away from the Bowl games.

Welcome to the eH advice boards!

Rox
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  January 2,2010, 10:18am
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funforgotten wrote :
Then something happened. I had known a man through a sport my husband and sons played and took the plunge by emailing him. It was all very innocent, discussing interests etc. This has gone on for 5 months, we have text, emailed and phoned eachother everyday, and have got together a couple of times with the kids and also alone. He is divorced and lonely, so I invited him to come stay over Christmas, he stayed with us before in the summer and all was friendly, hugs and stuff nothing more. Then this time it all changed. We became lovers.

He has now gone home, we have text and spoken as normal, but I think he is struggling with his demons. He has many relationship issues stemming back to his father, 2 divorces and a couple of failed relationships. Not sure where I stand, even though he tells me everything is fine. Am i opening myself up to heartache? I am not sure I could cope with rejection right now. I never thought I would find someone else having had such a goodt relationship with my husband, but lonliness can be a depressing and demotivating thing.

Advice would be welcome, even if you can offer support of any kind. I can't talk about this to any of my friends, I don't want them to worry,
I sounds to me like you initiated contact. I don't know if you wanted to become lovers when you invited him to stay with you. I do think you're old enough to have at least considered the possibility it would come up.

Whether you're opening yourself up to heartache isn't really the issue; you are where you are. One cannot love another without being open to the possibility. That's a good thing!

The thing that bothers me is when you say you can't talk to your friends about it, like there's something wrong; something they'd be worried about.

I always kind of feel.....when there's something we're doing we don't want to see in the light of day.....maybe it's something we shouldn't be doing.

I'm sorry if my answer isn't the support you want. I'm just an outsider, looking in. I do say it with respect.

j8a
 
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funforgotten is offline funforgotten Post #6  January 2,2010, 1:30pm
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Thank you for being so honest.

I didnt want to involve my friends, because this is so unlike me. I have always been the sensible one, there for guidance and advice and I felt I was letting them down. They all knew my husband and I was afraid of what they might think of me.

I have now spoken with one of my friends. I cried on her shoulder and told her that I wanted this, but was confused and a little embarrassed. She confessed that she knew I was lonely and had secretly hoped that I would be brave enough to take the plunge. She just doesnt want me to get hurt, but I cant guarentee that, can I?

She was great, and it was a relief to talk to someone close.

I really do appreciate the comments and advice, it is all helping me feel better equipped to deal with this situation, albeit a little naive and sensative! lol.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  January 3,2010, 9:22am
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Well, hon, it was a relief to me, as it was to you, you were able to tell a friend. That was my only reservation.

There are no guarantees in this life; you know that. You can't guarantee not being hurt. It's just part of being alive.

I'm a little behind you in my mourning; my husband died Oct 2008. We had two weeks from the time we found out he was sick. Not even enough time to get scared! The shock didn't wear off till New Years.

I thought about what I would have wanted for him, had I died first. I would have wanted him to love again, when he was able. I believe he would want that for me, as well.

What would your husband want for you? For his kids?

Now I think about it like you, maybe, with your children. You love them all, don't you?

It will be possible for me to love my dead husband.....and a living, breathing, man someday. Both at the same time.

You.....are capable of that, too. With your kids.....you already know about loving more than one.....don't you?

The only way for you to let anybody down, have them think ill of you.....is not to do what is best for you, your kids.....and even your husband.

But, if you choose a good man, good to your kids, one whom your husband might have liked, even befriended.....well, wouldn't that be a nice tribute?

j8a
 
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funforgotten is offline funforgotten Post #8  January 3,2010, 11:28am
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I am sorry that it was so short a time for you. We only knew 6 weeks before my husband passed away. He suffered only a short time, which I am thankful for, and we tried to keep as much together as we could for the kids, although we were intially told he had 6 months. I was in shock for months, but having two young boys, I couldn't grieve in public as it upset them so much. We all saw councillors and they helped us reach a place where we could be comfortanle with our grief together. My 7 year old still yells for his dad if he hurts himself, or is tired. It used to give me physical pain to hear him, but we have all moved on in the process and are learning to live our lives a little at a time again.

I still get tearful at night, and have my moments, like us all, i guess. This is part of the reason I am going back to work, to keep busy and try to find fulfilment by helping others.

I wasn't looking for anything when this friendship started forming 5 months ago, but got used to the attention and enjoyed knowing someone was thinking of me other than my mum! Lol.

I have just had a text from him, sending me hugs and asking how I am today, This is nice, but I know he can't give me more than that, apart from the "little bit of fun" we have started having. Maybe this will be enough - I just don't know right now - but I do know - I feel more alive than I have in almost 2 years!

Life throws us som curve balls (to coin a baseball phrase) I hope I can learn to throw a few back and be brave.

You know where I am - so if you want to talk - please do. Its good to talk!

xxx
 
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