j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #1  December 12,2009, 8:05pm
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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Those who know me know I try hard to think Positive, look for the good side. Optimism is probably the best thing I've got going for me.

But today, for the first time, I said out loud....."The Truth is.....I don't want to move on".

I sit in our Dream Home, that we created together, and it's beautiful. But now it's only mine; it's not ours anymore. I'm here alone.

I walk into our closet and I have new clothes hanging there he's never even seen. His Hawaiian shirts and cowboy hats are still there. But I'm the one wearing his bathrobe.

Those new clothes of mine.....I hate that I have new clothes he's never seen, and never will.

I've bought other things. Some new linens. Last night I slept, for the first time, on new sheets. He'll never again lay in that bed with me.

I have to go through the garage. He was so handy; it's wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling tools. Some of it.....I don't even know what it is. Once a month I'll do a day out there, going through a section, trying to decide what to do with it all.

All the accouterments of daily living, those things we take so for granted.....It's difficult to think that a living, breathing, human being touched those things, and now he's gone.

Just like that, in the blink of an eye, those things are nothing.

I thought I was doing so well. He died a year ago. I was going through the motions. Fake It Till You Make It. That's what somebody told me.....Fake It Till You Make It.

I know other people have been here before me. How does one find the Will? I'm trying; but right now, I've lost my way.
 
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zal is offline zal Post #2  December 13,2009, 5:26pm
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How long ago did he die? I think it's normal to be where you are, I know I was. You'll be ready to move on when you are rready. There is no set time.
 
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Diann1950 is online now Diann1950 Post #3  December 14,2009, 5:10pm
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Kid and dog sitting, have grand kids and dogs for the week.

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You have all those anniversaries to pass through, right now there is nothing between you and those times. Also remember, what would you want for him if it were you that were gone. Remember that there is no limit on love, there is always more and the more does not take anything away from what you had. If you don't close any doors, when you are ready you will find the way. Take care and know that the worst parts will pass and leave the good memories.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  December 16,2009, 10:36am

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Oh dear friend-it does hurt so much.
But its only been a year so please be gentle with j8a-shes a good person.

Don't rush to go thru things..no point in it while it's still so painful. Right now, take one of those shirts and seal it up in a zip lock baggie so you can take it out to smell ever so ofter. It's like a microcosm of your DH's scent there and you'll want that in the future. Then take those clothes to a local mens shelter where someone who really needs them can use them. Your DH will be walking around town on someones back and you'll know you did a good thing.

As for the tools-do make up a tool kit for yourself, then call a friend to help you re-home those things. Don't just do a garage sale if you can avoid it...there are 2nd hand tool places that will give you a good fair price for tools.

It was almost 3 years for me, before I could finally clear most things out..and I still find stuff in odd corners that Russ set aside (a box of plumbing fixtures for example, found on sunday).

It is such a hard thing to do- and yet we have no choice in it because it's our new reality.

Doesn't really matter that we don't want to do it, does it?
Big hugs sweetie
 
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August2 is offline August2 Post #5  December 17,2009, 5:13am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
But today, for the first time, I said out loud....."The Truth is.....I don't want to move on".

...that's what somebody told me.....Fake It Till You Make It.

...How does one find the Will? I'm trying; but right now, I've lost my way.
You articulate so beautifully, and I can't help but think: you have found a way.
-Conserving assets: that's not just the house, it's also the comfort of his bathrobe; sounds both healthy/normal.
-Introducing new, good things:- accepting that they are both new and good doesn't require forgetting your loss.
-Going through things a portion at time: making decisions or choosing to live with it a while longer (also good, normal and fine)

How to find the will? Sometimes a laundry list is useful in lieu of will. Okay to write it down, no one has to know. Today's list: rise, complete hygiene, water plants, get to work, eat healthy (or sip some protein); check clock for times to recline, even if not yet sleeping ----- etc. you choose some, pocket it on the back of an envelope, check off daily: get them done. You don't have to feel like it.

The "faking it" part is good too (sly chuckle) - why? Because it has usefulness toward those with their own desparate need to "fix" things for you. Test out which phrases are useful in keeping the most well-meaning but also meddlesome at bay. You don't sound like you are faking to yourself at all, in fact, you display yourself as acutely coherent of your circumstance, therefore in good stead.

"Faking it" is also useful in those foyers beyond the Pale, way-way-way past where you are comfortable (right now). It is completely appropriate to put on a extra smile to see how it plays in a crowd. Fake it? you betcha! any physical therapist can tell you the muscle practice will be good for you. It does not hurt to put pleasantries into the world; may many-many return fruitfully to you.

Eventually, the bulk of my spouse's tools went to my city's Tool Lending Library. They were from many skills, some most costly and all excellent. Quietly, privately, before donating I had his huge, heavy engine hoist engraved with the most tiny-tiny, equally-weathered, quite unobtrusive plaque reading: "donated in memory of a master mechanic who will help you along the way". Yeah well, maybe it was dorky. I don't care, it helped me. It took quite a while to let his favorite pieces go, but when it was (for me) the right time, confidence that the tools would be used was (finally) a comfort.

And the rings - they are nobody's business but yours.
I wore them so many ways: even on a chain around my neck, on other fingers ---- even strung on my earrings while taking a bath as I laughed out loud thinking he might too. It was a long time, but finally had them merged together, that is, one cut and resodered linking them together. They are not forgotten yet my life has expanded.

Bereavement is tough, it sounds like you are in an appropriate place. Recovering one's most constructive, most creative, most conscious and caring footing is not linear. Be kind, be gentle with yourself. Your self-awareness seems quite grounded and healthy. Of course you will have to decide who can handle hearing where you really are at any given time. I wish you many venues where you can freely speak or write as you do so well. I add my encouragement to those here in saying you sound good and your own processes sound right. As they metamorphise into continued good, the occasional new, and all over thoughtful review the trendy auto-speak of "moving on" may just drop from the busy-bodies' venicular. At any rate, you may find you care less about what they "fake", because you are most appreciatively living.

Forgive my fillabuster.
I believe you are on a right road, which will bend and change and grow.
I am sorry for your loss, but kudos to you.
Last edited by August2; December 17,2009 at 6:01am.
 
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Max57 is offline Max57 Post #6  December 17,2009, 6:21am
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I'm glad I just found this group. The original post immediately brought tears to my eyes -- and I'm a man. It really hit me but from 180 degrees the other way.

For me it's not the garage ... that's mine. But our bathroom, it's so delicately decorated. I have to shower in our basement bathroom ... I just can't do it in ours yet. And the jewelry ... I accidentally (sort of) started looking at my wife's jewelry. I wish I could remember every event, day, or reason, I gave her some of those things ... but I can't remember them all.

Another thing, I don't mind going to church on Sundays alone ... but I really hate coming home afterwards. That was always such a nice time for us ... a good meal, some quiet time, maybe a nap together ... just a nap.

So yes, the "how you doin'" question is always met with a big smile, and "I'm doing fine!" I'm faking it quite well, I think.
 
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Max57 is offline Max57 Post #7  December 17,2009, 6:36am
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One more point .... I've seen more wisdom about grief in these few posts than I have heard in two months.

August2: Wow ... fantastiscally written.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #8  December 17,2009, 9:58am

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I hold you all in my heart!

There is nothing at all quite like what we each have walked thru-are still walking thru-and sometimes the pain of that is crushing.

At 5 years, most people think I've moved on with my life. No one (except my kids-and then rarely) is interested in hearing me share my memories of the times I had with my husband.

And in many ways I have gone on.

I've had sex with another man, ended a new relationship from frustration that he wasn't more like my husband and been dating often for 2 years.

I've bought new bedroom furniture, new living room furniture (retail therapy) and lost weight. I have a dog and a couple of cats for company.

I've been, and still go, to grief counseling and other forms of dealing with grief and am active in a widows support group-I volunteer almost compulsively, taking many more shifts that required because I hate being home alone at night.

I'm active, but under it all, I still miss Russ more than any words could ever say.

I have no expectations that I'll find another LTR, nor do I really want another marriage-

I'm acting 'as if' myself

I'm dancing as fast a I can.
 
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