maypoet is offline maypoet Post #1  June 12,2009, 10:55pm
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enjoying freedom before the Fall

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Widowed with a 7mo. baby girl at age 22... it's enough to make me laugh, sometimes...and enough to make an interested guy turn and run.

I've spent the last year and a half reading blogs/posts/etc. for and about young widows, but they're usually talking early forties to fifties... Most of the advice says, yep, young guys aren't looking for a single mom. Others say, yep "widow" is an intimidating word. What to do when all are combined, because, seriously I'm still a 24 year old woman with a lot of life left!

How much do you reveal up front? Bare-bones of it all? More? I definitely don't want anyone who can't handle it...but that's part of the problem. "It" shouldn't be such a big deal. Unexpected things do happen, and no one is invincible...maybe that's the problem. Guys, young ones especially, don't like to face their mortality... I don't know, but it is really frustrating to not even know where to start. I'm just curious if there is anyone else with some advice or experience that at least gives me some context/idea about what goes through a guys head...
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 Post #2  June 14,2009, 1:57am
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Your post touched me. I am not a young widow - I was widowed two weeks prior to my 43rd birthday, and my daughter will be 21 in August. I am responding because I met my deceased spouse 16 years ago when my daughter was 4 and my first marriage was failing. I was worried then that any man would run at the prospect of dating a woman with a young child. I was wrong of course - my deceased spouse welcomed the idea of raising my daughter with me and in fact, was a great step-father to her.

You are right - you have a lot of life left to live. I believe when you meet the right person, he will not duck and run, but rather embrace both you and your daughter. I began dating again around Christmas 2008, and I made a point of not mentioning I was a widow until we were in Open Communication. I am also disabled, so I was worried about coming across as needy - needing someone to take care of me - not at all the impression I wanted to give a prospective date. I have been very blessed to meet and have a wonderful relationship with another young widower who sees me rather than my disability, and though he has no children of his own, he is getting to know my daughter.

I think you should follow your instincts with each new person you meet as to when to share information about yourself and daughter. I don't believe there is a right or wrong approach, but as long as you don't come across as clingy and needy, you should be fine. There are some really good guys out there - it just takes a little time to find them. And, in my case, one was right in front of me and I almost missed the opportunity for a wonderful relationship that we hope will last for years and years.
 
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sfo5000 is offline sfo5000 Post #3  October 22,2009, 1:08am
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My wife was 35 when she reunited with her mama and Jesus in heaven. She was young when she left me. All I can do is to think what if she was home with me? I would not be here typing this note.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #4  October 24,2009, 10:48pm
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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My husband died a year ago. I'm nowhere near being ready to even think about looking for somebody else yet. And I'm not young, either!

The worst part of our spouse dying, I believe, is the loss of our illusions. Never again will I be able to believe that being in love is enough to make it last forever.....

But I know what I would have wanted for my husband, had I died first. I would have wanted him to love again, when he was ready for that. I believe he would want that for me, as well.

Mourning is love with nowhere to go. Someday each of us will love again, and be loved in return.

There comes a time when one starts to look forward more than back. There comes a time when we seize hold of our destiny, and make it our own.

For the young widow, there are good men out there who will make you and your child the center of his world. For the sad husband, there are women who will count their Blessings to have the love of a man who loved a woman before.....

Even I, at my age, believe I have a future, and I'm not going to be alone the rest of my life. I'm not made that way.

Neither are you.
 
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Hope72 is offline Hope72 Post #5  November 2,2009, 10:00pm
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My spouse died at the age of 36 this past year, and he left behind his 7 yr old daughter. He was the love of my life, and now I try to carry on... with the lost dream of marrying and having our own child. I am 37 and have lost my soul mate, family and family to be. I have a hard time coming home to an empty house and feel lost. As Christmas draws near, I feel a stronger sense of mourning.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  November 4,2009, 3:47pm
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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Hope, I am so sorry for your loss. It's not fair that a man should die so young as your husband. Unfortunately, that's life. It is what it is.

I understand the Devastation in your Heart. Life just became infinitely harder for you. But you weren't stripped of everything when your husband died.

You have your daughter. She's going to look to you for guidance. You're the only one that can provide it.

Your house is not empty. Not so long as you and your daughter live there. It may seem empty at times, but that's only because you haven't let the Laughter back in. Someday you will.

As for the Holidays, are there friends, family, you can go to? One thing I learned after my husband died.....People want to help me. They want to help you, too. Let them!

What about starting a new tradition for your daughter? Your holidays don't have to be just like they were last year. Let her help you cook for ThanksGiving. Maybe the two of you can go ice-skating on Christmas. Something different, a new tradition, just for the two of you.

Your husband was your Soul Mate. If he were watching, what would he want for you and your daughter? My guess.....He might want you to set an example for her of just how strong a woman can be when she has to be.

You have an opportunity here to give your daughter an Invaluable Gift that will stand her in good stead her entire life. Use it!

Show her what it is to start over, to begin again, and build a new life.

j8a
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #7  November 14,2009, 9:31am
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Maypost My heart breaks for you. Being a widow is a hard thing to work out itself and being a young widow is doubly hard.
I encourage you to be honest about your status, I know there are caring men out there in your age group-it may take some time to find someone and you may get tired of looking and thats ok too.

I have yo-yod (Is that a word?) about dating several times in the going on 5 years I've been a widow. No long contracts with EH for me!. Sometimes dating isn't worth the stress and turmoil it brings, especially for a single parent.

As far as what goes thru a guys head though..well I'll let the guys here tell you that-I have a pretty good idea it's mostly sex but I may be wrong .

Just know you aren't alone and try to manage a day at a time without expectations of change..change comes when we aren't looking for it I've discovered.

Be well sweetie
Roxy
Last edited by RoxyRedhead; November 14,2009 at 9:32am. Reason: text
 
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ordinaryhero575 is offline ordinaryhero575 Post #8  December 16,2009, 11:50am
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I am so sorry. I thought I had it pretty bad with a six and a nine year old and I am 30. My wife died only last month and I know what you mean. I can't find any site either with any pertinent information for younger widower/widows with young children. All I can say is hang in there, we found the perfect person once, and when we are ready, we'll find the perfect person again.
You'd do best going on to these sites with people in our situation. Atleast then you know the person talking to you sees your point of view, and knows loss as you do. So hopefully they will not take anything for granted as we may have in the past. Take care, and stay strong...
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #9  December 16,2009, 12:02pm
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ordinaryhero575 wrote :
I I can't find any site either with any pertinent information for younger widower/widows with young children. All I can say is hang in there, we found the perfect person once, and when we are ready, we'll find the perfect person again..
You could always start a board for young widows/widowers....however these real specific boards don't see to be very well read.

I'm not young but I do appreciate how difficult things must be for you. Ya just have to do it day at a time, and do it over again the next day.
 
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August2 is offline August2 Post #10  December 17,2009, 4:49am
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maypoet wrote :
Widowed with a 7mo. baby girl at age 22... it's enough to make me laugh...

... yep "widow" is an intimidating word. What to do when all are combined, because, seriously I'm still a 24 year old woman with a lot of life left!

...How much do you reveal up front? ...

...Unexpected things do happen, and no one is invincible....

... what goes through a guys head...?
However I might twist it, I'm really glad you do laugh.
When I was widowed at 19 and widowed again at 45, it was hard to resurrect but humor served me well, and continues to.

People do fear their own mortality, but you know, many also fear day to day life - it's very, very common. In fact, our societies are rift with ignorance and avoidance, not to mention long gauntlets of "must have's" before most will even imagine creating a pleasant time. And that is my point: widowed young or widowed grown, it is important to constructively build your life.

Because you have extraordinary life experience, you may find that you have the greater vision than your counterparts. When one can see further on the horizon (to the unspeakable) one can also, sometimes, learn to notice openings to common ground. Even those without loss may (turn out to be) as life-understanding, life-tolerant as yourself. I encourage you to go ahead and go out, build your own tolerance of those with less knowledge and continue to develop your sense of humor.

How much do you tell them? Well, it's easy to post that you are a single mother (let the chips fall as they may) but off-line, in person, I'm of the opinion that exposure is earned. Yes, I believe that before a man gains entry to my home he should know I have children. But then again by that time he should also have displayed intelligence, significant interest in me as a fellow human rather than a service and other worthiness (laughter), but it doesn't mean we can't say hello. There may be times when it is worthwhile to just allow a gent to expose his own depths of maturity. If it's swimable and with experience, you'll soon judge when to mention your life responsibilities, which is what they are. As far as telling how you earned that position, well - explain or don't explain, some wifty-heads won't get it anyway. Say what YOU want or just excuse yourself when you need to attend to the kids, just as you would with any other unequivical responsibility. If he expects you to abdicate such things, or he doesn't take care of his accountabilities, I kind of doubt you'd be interested in him very long (rather than it being the other way around). Being young is not too young to be a grown-up.

I tend to think of my own life's survivorships as part of the fabric of my humor - yes, my sense of humor. You see, I'm a "lifer", my re-up stripes run far up my sleeve, however tough it is to (be a) survivor, I'm in life for the long haul. My tolerance and occasional weariness of the uninitiated is not lost on others who have emotional depth. I've had AMAZING interchanges, friendships, relationships with men who have picked me out of the crowd, enjoying my contributions, my reservations, my talents, my tolerances, my well-earned smile, or the fact that I'm simply in existance. We'd connect over our enjoyments or in our capacities. These, quite interesting people, took poignant pleasure in the discovery and seriously, my young widowed friend, good men on the planet are legion. I mean, there are a lot of them. It wasn't some laundry list of perfections, we just noticed one another.

Do you have responsibilities? yes.
Have you had depth of experience? yes
Is this useful at a young age? well, I don't mean to offend at such a profound searing and ultimate loss of ignorance, but is intelligent self-awareness useful? - yes.
Will interesting, provocative men find a responsible, experienced, intelligent woman attractive? (laughter) - oh yes. Will you also have to stand on your own? yes to that too.

Take it from an old broad who has been there.
Choose life: take care of that kid, and from time to time
get a sitter, go out - bring your patience, build some joy.
Good luck to you
Last edited by August2; December 17,2009 at 5:41am.
 
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