JediSoth is offline JediSoth Post #1  February 2,2009, 7:21am
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I realized this weekend that I've been going about this whole dating thing wrong. I joined eHarmony in the hopes that I would find someone I would really "click" with and be able to get into a long term relationship with little down time.


I didn't want to be alone. I really wanted someone with whom I could share my life. That's what I had and lost.


What I realize this weekend was that it was going to be a lot harder than that because my wife and I did almost EVERYTHING together.


So, I'm glad I didn't pay for months and months of eH ahead of time. The last time I renewed was just before New Year's and I got 2 months for free with my renewel. 2 months, that I will likely not use.


I know now that any romantic relationship I get involved in at the moment (and there is someone who is interested in that with me) is going to be a transition and possibly even a rebound. Obviously, I'm going to have to let her know some how that I feel I'm not ready for a long term relationship and while I value her friendship, I'm not willing to risk hurting her with a possibly ugly rebound. Plus, I know in my heart that I would really be settling, and I don't want to do that.


So, what's next? I guess I have to take things one day at a time and enjoy my time with my friends. Vacations will be really hard because I don't like traveling alone, but I'm not sure how good of an idea it is to take a week off and hang around at home with just me and my brain. I have one vacation scheduled in August, but that's for a convention that's in town, so I'll be really busy and surrounded by people I like. I have more time scheduled for the time between Christmas and New Year's. That's also a busy time of year, plus it's 11 months away. So, I still have about a week left to use.


Part of me wants to go to Virginia Beach for a week. It would be inexpensive for me since I can use a timeshare there. I also have recently reconnected with a lot of high school classmates and I can spend some of my time there visiting with them. Likewise, I have friends in Texas I could go spend some time with, some of whom I grew up with when I lived in Germany. That would be slightly more expensive though, because it's about 5 hours longer to drive and I'd have to pay a transfer fee to use the Timeshare there. Still, that would be a true change of scenery, as I've never been to Texas before. Plus, I could combine that trip with a trip to a convention in June, thus giving myself something to do. Of course, neither of those solves my immediate needs.


Oh well, now I'm rambling. Just wanted to put some of my thoughts into words somewhere where people with shared experiences could read it.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 Post #2  February 2,2009, 2:45pm
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Jedi,


I think we all have an epiphany at some point as we begin to try to make sense of our life without the other half (our spouse) who made us whole. I'm not sure there is anything "wrong" per se about how you have proceeded, just that the important thing is that you have been trying to move forward. There are some very positive points you have made in your post:
  1. You have discovered relatively early in the current dating situation that a serious relationship is not what you need right now - this is good because neither you nor she have a lot of time invested so far. Think about how awful it would have been for both of you had this epiphany been another six months to a year in coming to you.
  2. Realizing that you don't want a rebound relationship is more than half the battle in preventing one from happening.
  3. Your EH membership has not been a complete waste, because I know there are a few friendships that have been forged here - if you had never joined, we would have never met nor become friends, and we would have missed all the input and insight you have contributed to the boards here on EHA.
  4. You have recognized that you like and need to be with people and have some good ideas of how fulfill that need - the vacation ideas sound great - reconnecting with old friends can be so helpful in the healing and growing process.





All of us are bound to make errors and course corrections as we navigate this uncharted territory. I believe none of us on this board have never lost a spouse prior to this, so we are all learning and helping each other find our way. You have recognized the need to make a course correction, developing a better knowledge of self is part of the healing process. How can you really expect to choose a mate if you have not truly assessed your needs and desires?


All of this is really good and actually healthy, but the part that maybe doesn't feel so good is that while the epiphany may have to come to you overnight, the actual transition takes a little longer. We need to be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves whatever time it takes us to get through it. And, it is good to have friends and family for support along the way.


Keep your chin up!
 
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JediSoth is offline JediSoth Post #3  February 4,2009, 9:35am
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It's true, if I hadn't joined eH, I would probably not have found my way to these message boards.


I have a feeling that my down days aren't over. I'm stronger and more resiliant than a lot of people around me think I am, but I still need time to "get over it," insofar that you do get over something like this.


Maybe you don't get over it so much as you just learn to live with it. I just don't like the school of hard knocks, though.
 
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divadoc is offline divadoc Post #4  February 7,2009, 3:52pm
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I'm with you....I don't like the way it feels either. However, my problems in life have always come about when I tried to escape from pain. (physical or emotional!) My therapist said to just let the pain lift me like an ocean wave, and then let it put me gently back down in the same place....don't try to fight it. Pain comes and goes like an ocean wave, and people who fight the waves have more struggles!





Sounds fine in theory....still hurts!
 
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sfo5000 is offline sfo5000 Post #5  October 29,2009, 8:31am
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I had done the same thing. Joining eharmony as I wanted a rebound when in reality it dosen't work like that. Every Woman is her own selif. And it may not work if we based the future on what we enjoyed in the past.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  October 31,2009, 9:36pm
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Did anybody else notice that the OP and Tink are together now?

Jedi, I would say you named your Thread wrong. I don't know when you and Tink got together, but it's obvious to me from the picture of you both.....Somebody was doing something Right!

I hope you both come back and post again someday. I'd like to think this story will never end.....
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  February 18,2011, 6:44pm
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So much of what Jedi said resonated with me.

My hairdresser talked me into signing on with eHarm Matching. Thought it would take a year to match me, but of course, those Matches started rolling in right away. I chickened out, closed them all, turned it all off...and let it expire last summer. So I wasted a year's worth of money...wasn't the first time, won't be the last.

I, too, have made Friends here, and consider that the very best part.

I did finally take my first vacation last summer. Went to Hawaii, where we used to go every year. It didn't feel bad at all, going there without him; I had a good time. But I haven't done any since. My cat is sick; I'm using her as an excuse.

I feel like I'm mourning him more now than at first. Today, walking the track...it hit me so hard, right out of the blue; hadn't been thinking about him at all...and all of a sudden, my throat was closing up and I almost couldn't breathe. It's a good thing I had the track almost to myself...otherwise, I'd have had to leave.

I think it's like Jedi said...you don't get over it; you just learn to live with it.

j8a
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 19,2011, 7:05am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I think it's like Jedi said...you don't get over it; you just learn to live with it.
This is an interesting thread to have brought back.

Last week, on Wednesday I believe, I had a dream with Sam in it. I had had these kinds of dreams far more often, after her passing last year. You know, the kind of dream where, you are IN the dream and you tell your sweetie, "Oh hon I am so happy to see you, I had this awful dream that you had died!"

And then you wake up and realize the realities are reversed: the DREAM is that she was alive, the REALITY is that she isn't. That hits hard.

I had such a dream on Wednesday. So as I was working from home Thursday, things kept bugging me that "the picture was wrong". Sam wasn't where she always had been in the past. Things weren't right.

It'll be interesting, once I bring somebody into my life, if those sorts of episodes continue...
 
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TWO49 is offline TWO49 Post #9  February 19,2011, 11:34am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I think it's like Jedi said...you don't get over it; you just learn to live with it.
That resonated with me too. I went to the funeral of a coworker's father a few months ago. When she introduced me to her mother, the coworker mentioned that my wife had died a year before and her mother asked "when do you get over it?". At the moment all I could think to say to her was something about it not happening yet for me. But then I reflected to myself exactly what Jedi and j8a said. You don't get over it; you just get used to it.

I am still not quite ready to do the dating side of this yet. There is this big hole in my life, but paradoxically not that much room. A long time colleague from our Houston office came in for a mtg at our office this week. So a couple of us were going to go out to dinner with her. Just to do that I had to leave work early so I could go home feed/walk my dogs then drive back to work to go out to dinner. It made me think about the logistics of dating. I guess you just find a way to make it work when you're ready. But it seems so complicated compared with having a spouse with whom you did almost everything, as Jedi said when this thread first started (2 yrs ago!!)
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 19,2011, 6:37pm
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TWO49 wrote :
I guess you just find a way to make it work when you're ready. But it seems so complicated compared with having a spouse with whom you did almost everything...
In my situation, once the time was right - or more accurately, when I found someone sufficiently compelling to entertain - I re-arranged my priorities. And I have major logistical concerns because I live 75 minutes away from the city in which I work (and date).
 
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