The presupposition that all chastity is voluntary or based on religious attitudes


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Fred6524 is offline Fred6524 Post #1  May 30,2009, 1:17pm
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Why do all automatically assume that everyone is deliberate and happy? Where does this bias come from?
 
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PurpleWolfWings is offline PurpleWolfWings Post #2  July 1,2009, 9:47pm
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OK, I have a rather long explanation to your relatively short question. You are obviously welcome to read or not read as you choose, and even where I seem as if I am going off-topic, I will answer all of your question in the end.

The reason people assume you are happy is because they assume it is deliberate, and they assume that if you deliberately made a choice, you would be happy with it. This is not always true, as many people who do make a conscious decision struggle with it for years, but that is not the case addressed in your question.

It starts with the assumption by many people that s e x is a great thing and that everyone would do it, all the time, and with as many people as possible, if only they didn't have some weird hang-up not to or unless something was wrong with them.

If something was obviously wrong with every person who was a virgin, and that they were a virgin because of it, then life would be easy. The mainstream that controls general public ideas and the sexually active public would have no problem in justifying the fact that they can't print a magazine without a s e x article or make a movie, no matter how action packed, without a romance thrown in - because the only people who would object or see anything wrong with it would be those who had something wrong with themselves. But then there's still the people left over who must have some kind of social hang-up. There are obviously thousands of people who consciously made the decision to remain chaste, with nothing obviously socially or physically wrong with them other than this decision. If there's nothing wrong with them, then where does that leave the earlier assumption? Since there's nothing obviously wrong with them to help the general media and public justify themselves, then it must be assumed there was some kind of voluntary decision involved. If there is a decision involved, then it must have some kind of reason or reasoning behind it.

Now, if someone has the mindset or lifestyle where they believe that s e x is ok outside of marriage, whether they believe it is ok in committed relationships only or with multiple, casual partners,they don't want to hear that there is an absolute reaosn why their lifestyle is completely and totally wrong. After all, there are no longer any absolutes, something that is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. So the reason, whatever it is, must be something that can be dismissed as a personal choice that has something to do with an area of ideology that can easily be dismissed by anyone who does not want to believe it. You can't just tie it to morals or values, because those always start heated and public arguments and discussions, and usually end up with some kind of absolute public judgment on what is right or wrong in the end.

The easiest thing to do is to tie the idea of chastity to religion. If the decision to remain a virgin is tied to religion, it removes all other problems. Religion is acknowledged as a personal choice, nobody has to take any other person's religious beliefs into account. It doesn't matter if a person has other reasons aside from their religion for remaining chaste, the decision can always be dismissed as religious conservatism. Chastity was already connected to Christianity and other religions, so this was even easier. This idea is a way for even the most promiscuous person to remain friends with a devout virgin catholic and still be able to justify themselves in their mind with thoughts of, 'that's his religious beliefs, not mine. They work OK for him, but they don't need to apply to me.'

There is also another added plus of tying chastity to religion. It allows everyone to be politically correct, and it helps the mainstream more than it helps the religious chaste. If any arguments are brought to bear against a magazine, newspaper, or person for their own beliefs in the matter, they merely have to label their opponent a religious or conservative nut. Once the label is placed, the only people who will listen to the arguments are those who are already convinced, everyone else can easily dismiss their ideas, since they are based in religion. Many schools are not even allowed to mention abstinence as a possible method of preventing STD's or pregnancies, they are only allowed to teach about s e x and birth control, because abstinence has been tied to a religious idea, which can't be taught in schools.

Now, here is my disclaimer: this is all in the general undercurrent of thought as I have seen it. Obviously, most people are not either religiously fanatics or sleeping with ten different people a day. But the undercurrent and the general assumptions are still there, and they direct the flow of thought in the general public and the flow of media trends. Most people would never actually directly think this through for themselves, and 99/100 people would probably not agree with me if they were of those people who followed this thought.

But now to your question: people assume that you are happy because they assume you are deliberate. They assume you are deliberate because if you are a somewhat healthy, relatively socially well-adjusted, and even mildly attractive, then your only reason for being a virgin is because you made a choice. To automatically assume otherwise would go against their other beliefs. If you explain yourself to them, they would probably understand your reasoning, but it is just not in their wiring to think any other way at first glance at the situation. Of course they would understand if you said you were waiting to meet the right person and hadn't found them yet, or if your family wanted you to remain chaste, or any other number of equally valid reasons, but it doesn't come to their mind when they make there fist assumptions. It is kind of like when you first meet somebody who is somewhat overweight; 99 times out of 100, you will assume it is because of their eating and exercise lifestyle, or something in their mindset that led them there. And probably 80 time out of 100 you would be right. But say you got to know that person and found out they had just gone through a horrible breakup, and gained a few pounds after, or that they had a thyroid dysfunction that made it hard for them to lose weight, even though they ate and exercised healthier than you did, or maybe their SO liked them that way. You would understand completely their situation, but it wasn't what first came to mind when you met them. It is kind of the same thing with people assuming that you are deliberate and happy when they first hear that you are a virgin. It is what is wired to first come to their minds.


So, for those of you who read that whole thing: if anyone has any criticism or anything to add to this, I would welcome it. Obviously not everyone probably agrees with me. Also, I know that I tend to be very long-winded in my writing, as I have trouble expressing the entirety of my ideas and being concise at the same time, so any help in that department is also welcome! ^-^
 
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followmesky is offline followmesky Post #3  July 3,2009, 10:48am
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Purple, it wasn't long winded for me. I will agree with you and I am glad someone posted this answer! I find it hard to express my thoughts in writting. Well said.
 
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Fred6524 is offline Fred6524 Post #4  July 16,2009, 8:52am
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Well I read through most of that I think. But it seems quite obvious that most of society's expectations only take into account popular belief or opinion and are as a result incorrect.

There are many people who are not deliberately chaste, are not happy about it, and genuinely have legitimate problems doing anything about it.
 
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PurpleWolfWings is offline PurpleWolfWings Post #5  July 19,2009, 8:04pm
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Yes, my point was the the assumptions were trained, but generally wrong more often than right. Sorry if my post was confusing! I didn't actually make that point until near the end. ^-^;
Last edited by PurpleWolfWings; July 19,2009 at 8:09pm.
 
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blueshoe is offline blueshoe Post #6  July 25,2009, 9:05pm
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Celibacy .." deliberate and happy" not exactly.
As a single person and christian it's about obedience to Christ and His word nothing else . Not for me at least.
Being content whatever state is a choice and being miserable about celibacy doesn't make it any easier. Hopefully it's just for a season. Paul the apostle was in jail and endured it, yet also prayed for deliverance.

I'm sure sex is great but it's not everything. If it were, that alone would keep people married but staying married seems to be the harder road today.
 
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myusernamehere is online now myusernamehere Post #7  June 10,2010, 8:02am
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Fred6524 wrote :
Why do all automatically assume that everyone is deliberate and happy? Where does this bias come from?
Why do you assume they aren't?
 
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Lcanada is offline Lcanada Post #8  June 12,2010, 2:23pm
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I agree with purple !!!

"The easiest thing to do is to tie the idea of chastity to religion. If the decision to remain a virgin is tied to religion, it removes all other problems. Religion is acknowledged as a personal choice, nobody has to take any other person's religious beliefs into account. It doesn't matter if a person has other reasons aside from their religion for remaining chaste, the decision can always be dismissed as religious conservatism. Chastity was already connected to Christianity and other religions, so this was even easier. This idea is a way for even the most promiscuous person to remain friends with a devout virgin catholic and still be able to justify themselves in their mind with thoughts of, 'that's his religious beliefs, not mine. They work OK for him, but they don't need to apply to me.'

There is also another added plus of tying chastity to religion. It allows everyone to be politically correct, and it helps the mainstream more than it helps the religious chaste. If any arguments are brought to bear against a magazine, newspaper, or person for their own beliefs in the matter, they merely have to label their opponent a religious or conservative nut. Once the label is placed, the only people who will listen to the arguments are those who are already convinced, everyone else can easily dismiss their ideas, since they are based in religion."
 
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Exstasis7 is offline Exstasis7 Post #9  September 7,2010, 9:57pm
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I am in an interesting situation. I am a virgin. However, I am a virgin both by circumstance and by faith in a right way of living revealed to me by God.

I am not ugly, and was never terribly overweight (though I was a little noticeably overweight as a teen, you could see it in my face a little). I was just never in a situation where losing my virginity was an option. I am still not interested in the opportunity. I hope for my sake that it never comes. "Lead me not into temptation" and all that.

So is my virginity due to my beliefs, or my circumstances? I would still say my beliefs. Because you can't just take my belief about virginity being good out of context. For example, I also have a belief that "bad company corrupts good character". Therefore, I do not often hang out with people who are morally corrupt- among those corruptions being lustfulness. So my overall belief has kept me in my constant state of "no context to make a decision about having sex with someone".

I hope that made sense.
 
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Exstasis7 is offline Exstasis7 Post #10  September 7,2010, 10:01pm
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Oh, and I AM happy that I am an unmarried virgin, but not happy about being an unmarried single . Being a Christian single is a bit of a paradox. You yearn for that union with another person, but at the same time cannot simply "sample" what that union is like. You marry or you don't. I am happy that my beliefs and my actions have remained consistent. I am not happy that I am not in a context in which my beliefs allow for sex. But I will hopefully be fixing that in a year or two (not a fan of 10 year courtships. If you don't know within a year and have met regularly, it probably isn't the right one.).
 
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