He is checking his online profile, red flag?


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blue76 is offline blue76 Post #1  June 22,2009, 7:20am
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I've been dating a man for 2 months. He had mentioned to me in the beginning about being on a dating site (not the one we met on). He doesn't know that I know but he's been logging into that other site the entire time we've been dating, its very sporadic, sometimes not for a couple days, sometimes 3 times in one day. He does not seem to be dating anyone else (we usually spend 3-4 nights a week together, including entire weekends together and talk every night we don't see each other) so I'm wondering if it is just a harmless habit maybe his membership hasn't expired yet or if this is the writing on the wall. I can't bring up this subject so that is not an option.

I don't want to bring up any exclusive conversation (we haven't had one) because for the most part I don't feel that we need one yet, I wouldn't mind if he brought it up but I also feeling like we're still getting to know each other. If I go by his actions, I would say he is into me but the fact that he hasn't brought up any conversations about us and that he still seems to be looking online troubles me. He does spend a lot of his free time with me, we've met a lot of each other friends, we have a lot of fun together, his family knows about me, he's affectionate, and he treats me really well.

I'm just worried that he's still looking around online and I'm only the good for right now girl because if he was so into me, why would he keep checking it? Why would he seem to be so into me at the same time. Confused. Any advice from the guys?
 
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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #2  June 24,2009, 9:13am
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Personnally, if I was spending weekends together all the time (at this early stage), I would bring up the conversation casually. Another influencing factor for me would be if I am sleeping with him. You can only answer that question. This whole "checking up" on someone online-I am not comfortable with. It appears from his actions of seeing each other all weekend and meeting his friends that these are good signs. Two months is not actually alot of time to be exclusive-maybe your relationship is running its cource. Sometimes his actions of how he is with you speak louder than his words.
 
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sweetlyme3 is offline sweetlyme3 Post #3  August 5,2009, 1:46am
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Have you discussed exclusivity?
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Robert_inSD is offline Robert_inSD Post #4  August 5,2009, 11:28am
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eHarmony is the first and only matching site I have used, so treat this as a newbie's perspective.

If a match goes to a second date, I turn off getting new matches. There are some prior matches, that I have not contacted, but have not closed. I do check the site often, to respond to communications, and to update my own profile as I learn more about myself and my preferences. (As reference: I've tried to contact about 4 out of 400 introductions over several months (all of those turned me away, or never responded). About a dozen matches opened communications with me, and the few that met me have become friends. We encourage each other to persevere.)

Do you think your match is not as serious as you seem to be, about a monogamous relationship with you? Communication is essential, but disclosing your knowledge of his on line activities should be treated with great caution.

Your knowledge still exists, so I would recommend talking about how you are not actively continuing to look around, and see if his behavior changes. As a point of contention, how is it that you are noticing his other on line activity? Your checking in could also be raising a red flag to him, if he is aware of your own on line activities. Are you, yourself, still looking around at this point?

In response, there could be a sudden flurry of his on line activity, trying to resolve or close other contacts. Try to keep that possibility in mind. There is also a risk, and you can exercise patience, but doing nothing perpetuates your situation, without contribution of your influence.
 
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Beachedgenie is offline Beachedgenie Post #5  November 9,2010, 3:00am
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You're only in the second month of dating and youre already talking about being exclusive! Dr. Phil (who isn't a real MD but does make sense) says you shouldn't even be sleeping with each other for the first 3 months while you get to know each other. Women have a hard time separating physical love from emotional love (true for me), so that 90 days of time is needed for women to use their heads, making the mental decision if the man is right for them, before committing their bodies and emotions to the relationship.

It seems to me you moved, and are trying to move, too quickly in this relationship and have fallen into the emotional trap. Meantime, he got your milk and is looking for another cow.
 
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Atomx71 is offline Atomx71 Post #6  November 12,2010, 11:00am
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Beachedgenie wrote :
You're only in the second month of dating and youre already talking about being exclusive! Dr. Phil (who isn't a real MD but does make sense) says you shouldn't even be sleeping with each other for the first 3 months while you get to know each other. Women have a hard time separating physical love from emotional love (true for me), so that 90 days of time is needed for women to use their heads, making the mental decision if the man is right for them, before committing their bodies and emotions to the relationship.

It seems to me you moved, and are trying to move, too quickly in this relationship and have fallen into the emotional trap. Meantime, he got your milk and is looking for another cow.
I have seen this backfire too. If a couple waits that long AND doesn't talk about why, then one might think they aren't physically attracted to the other person and end up terminating the relationship prematurely. I think Dr. Phil (maybe he is the Ph.D. kind) might be oversimplifying and being overly cautious.
 
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Beachedgenie is offline Beachedgenie Post #7  November 13,2010, 12:30pm
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Atomx71 wrote :
I have seen this backfire too. If a couple waits that long AND doesn't talk about why, then one might think they aren't physically attracted to the other person and end up terminating the relationship prematurely. I think Dr. Phil (maybe he is the Ph.D. kind) might be oversimplifying and being overly cautious.
Just because a couple isn't having sex, doesn't mean that are not showing affection in other ways, including petting.
If the couple isn't communicating, then they should terminate the relationship.
 
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chelles5225 is offline chelles5225 Post #8  April 25,2011, 10:31pm
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blue76 wrote :
I've been dating a man for 2 months. He had mentioned to me in the beginning about being on a dating site (not the one we met on). He doesn't know that I know but he's been logging into that other site the entire time we've been dating, its very sporadic, sometimes not for a couple days, sometimes 3 times in one day. He does not seem to be dating anyone else (we usually spend 3-4 nights a week together, including entire weekends together and talk every night we don't see each other) so I'm wondering if it is just a harmless habit maybe his membership hasn't expired yet or if this is the writing on the wall. I can't bring up this subject so that is not an option.

I don't want to bring up any exclusive conversation (we haven't had one) because for the most part I don't feel that we need one yet, I wouldn't mind if he brought it up but I also feeling like we're still getting to know each other. If I go by his actions, I would say he is into me but the fact that he hasn't brought up any conversations about us and that he still seems to be looking online troubles me. He does spend a lot of his free time with me, we've met a lot of each other friends, we have a lot of fun together, his family knows about me, he's affectionate, and he treats me really well.

I'm just worried that he's still looking around online and I'm only the good for right now girl because if he was so into me, why would he keep checking it? Why would he seem to be so into me at the same time. Confused. Any advice from the guys?
I do have a question for you...how do you even know he is logging in? Are you going through his browser history or something? I mean if he has not told you he wants you to be his girlfriend and be exclusive then your not. A guy will tell you if he wants that. I am just curious about how you know hes still logging in. That seems kind of crossing a line on your part. Even after being with someone for almost 2 years I never went through his phone because he did it to me and it made me so angry! I want hiding anything but the fact that he didnt trust me was enough. Im not trying to be mean sometimes it just takes someone else pointing out something.
 
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EdubWise is offline EdubWise Post #9  July 10,2011, 5:16pm
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Hi there. First of all you need to stop checking the site that you are looking at to see if he is online. He is not your boyfriend yet and hopefully you have not had sex with him yet.

When the two of you have the talk, and I would wait atleast another month, then you can tell him that you would like him to take down all of his online profiles. That that is important to you in order to be exclusive with him. And you do the same.

In the mean time, stop checking on him. Get to know this man better and find out if he is worthy of having you all to himself. Observe,observe and try not to get too attached yet. It is way too soon!
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #10  December 23,2011, 5:47am
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chelles5225 (http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/members/chelles5225) wrote :
I do have a question for you...how do you even know he is logging in? Are you going through his browser history or something? I mean if he has not told you he wants you to be his girlfriend and be exclusive then your not. A guy will tell you if he wants that. I am just curious about how you know hes still logging in. That seems kind of crossing a line on your part. Even after being with someone for almost 2 years I never went through his phone because he did it to me and it made me so angry! I want hiding anything but the fact that he didnt trust me was enough. Im not trying to be mean sometimes it just takes someone else pointing out something.

I would have pointed this out but decided to over look it.
Let me say that anyone who finds this happening might just be over reacting. If I know me, and I like to think I do, I would be taking every step to make sure that I was doing everything possible to work on a relationship that I really wanted to work out. That being said, I would like to point out that my friends treat girls like crap and I would NEVER as them for advice. Next place I would turn it to the eHA community. Just cuz ur SO is still logging on doesnt mean you have to jump to the worst possible conclusion. My ex wife did that and it drove me crazy. She's essentially the reason I'm here today *sadface*.

Just remember as much as your suspicions are one possibility doesn't mean that my suspicion is totally out of the question. your SO might just be trying to make it work. Relationships take that you know.

Best of luck. Be yourself. And most of all, HAVE FUN.
 
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