Red flags or issues? Your thougths please


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ngawildflower is offline ngawildflower Post #1  May 14,2009, 4:47am
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Hi everyone. I need your thoughts on the red flag topic. I've been dating this man that I met on eH for almost 2 years (yes years). I think he is thinking about getting serious as in marriage. I'm terrified of making a mistake. He's a good man, we get along great but 2 things that are a bit of a red flag but could just be issues, one is that he never says my name. When he speaks to me it is always - hey, hey or hey you, never my name. That bothers me. I've said to him when he does that - you know I have a name! I know this is probably minor but I'm from the south and it's considered rude here. The bigger issue is that he had just been laid off from his job when we met so he said he was "temporarily" unemployed. I could understand that. Now it's been almost 2 years and he's been playing the stock market and attempting to buy houses to resale (only one bought with a partner with a small profit) and not looking for a job. Though not seemingly hurting financially unless he's hiding it, he doesn't have really any to spare either. Says he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life (career) - he's 48. In so many way's he's great but this really scares me. Are these red flags or just issues that should be worked through before I bail? Thanks for any and all thoughts!
 
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free_moments68 is offline free_moments68 Post #2  May 14,2009, 12:23pm
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Well, i have definately learned to trust my gut...its never been wrong...and u sound like this has been on ur mind for quite some time now. If u havent shared how u feel about his work...i'd get it out in the open before u bail. I just broke off a relationship with a guy i met through EH...and i had a hard time, wondering if he just had issues he needed help with or if they were red flags, because after two months of dating...he wouldnt admit to any problems although i could clearly see it and i think he knew it. I always see the good in people despite any problems they might have bc we all have issues...but i couldnt handle his dishonesty. If it wasnt for that i would have tried to make things work. TRUST UR GUT!
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #3  May 14,2009, 10:13pm
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He doesn't call you any form of endearment, like honey, sweetie, dear? If he doesn't, that is NOT a promising beginning. Does he tell you that he loves you? Is he a hugger or not? Some men are really affectionate, and others aren't. But, 2 years, and you have NO NAME?

Now, the job situation is nothing but a joke. He's either lying about his money , and/or job, or he's got more money than he's willing to tell you about. Either way, he's a con artist. Is your job adequate to support both of you? At any rate, I don't think he's someone you should plan on settling down with. He's NOT being honest with you. The best you can hope for is a broken heart, and an empty bank account.

Are you 95 yet? NO?! Then you have time to look for a real man who is mature enough to be honest with you, not play games, and will treat you like the lady you are. Hope this helps, take care, Suzie
 
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ngawildflower is offline ngawildflower Post #4  May 18,2009, 2:22pm
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suzannebackowski wrote :
He doesn't call you any form of endearment, like honey, sweetie, dear? If he doesn't, that is NOT a promising beginning. Does he tell you that he loves you? Is he a hugger or not? Some men are really affectionate, and others aren't. But, 2 years, and you have NO NAME?

Now, the job situation is nothing but a joke. He's either lying about his money , and/or job, or he's got more money than he's willing to tell you about. Either way, he's a con artist. Is your job adequate to support both of you? At any rate, I don't think he's someone you should plan on settling down with. He's NOT being honest with you. The best you can hope for is a broken heart, and an empty bank account.

Are you 95 yet? NO?! Then you have time to look for a real man who is mature enough to be honest with you, not play games, and will treat you like the lady you are. Hope this helps, take care, Suzie

No, Suzie, He has never told me he loves me. He has called me dear a few times. He does hug me. When I smile at him he does not smile back - I find that strange as well.
 
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Artisan is offline Artisan Post #5  May 18,2009, 3:32pm
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My thoughts: If it bothers you enough to post it here, it's enough reason to bail if you ask me. :-) If a guy doesn't know what he wants to do at the age of 48, he's probably never gonna know. Ask yourself -- Do you really want to get in too deep with someone this flaky?
 
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ngawildflower is offline ngawildflower Post #6  May 19,2009, 5:15am
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Artisan wrote :
My thoughts: If it bothers you enough to post it here, it's enough reason to bail if you ask me. :-) If a guy doesn't know what he wants to do at the age of 48, he's probably never gonna know. Ask yourself -- Do you really want to get in too deep with someone this flaky?
Thanks for your post Artisan. I had already concluded that he will never know what he wants to do. I think that he really wanted to be a race horse handicapper (i.e. in my opinion gambling). But that proved to be too stressful and umm umm not profitable - no surprise to me. I kinda feel that his now wanting to "play the stock market" for a living is just a substitute for the race horsing gambling feeling thing (btw he lives in GA now and we can not do horse race betting here) though he refuses to admit that either the track racing betting or stock market day trading are in any way connected to a gambling "problem". I feel differently about that. I definitely think horse race betting is for sure gambling.
I guess its just that having come from an abusive marriage I'm afraid i'll not find someone else who is as otherwise nice to me as he is. He is so calm and so far has never shouted at me. We like to do many of the same things. He helps around the house (without asking) when he is over... things I never got with my ex. But he also never does things my ex did like tell me he loves me, smiles at me calls me honey or whatever, buys me little gifts or texts or calls just to say something encouraging so it's like going from one extreme to the other, what one had /didn't have is the opposite in this one so it makes me wonder if it's just me - do I want the impossible? or expect too much??? I just feel confused.
 
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Artisan is offline Artisan Post #7  May 19,2009, 3:19pm
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I don't think you are expecting too much at all. I think that perhaps being in a previous abusive relationship made you feel that as long as you're not being abused, anything else is OK. I'm no shrink, but that's my take on it.... and I don't agree.

Why wouldn't you deserve more than you're getting? If you like a man who uses terms of endearment, who makes you tingle at his touch, etc., then that's what you should have. Life is way too short to settle for 'good enough'. You deserve SO much more.
 
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ThaddeusJohn is offline ThaddeusJohn Post #8  June 3,2009, 9:16pm

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Dear Flower,

I'm so sorry about your previous abuse. I sense that it has beat you down quite a bit. I see several flags in this situation. It's rude here in Chicago as well not to call your lover by their name. Your right about him being addicted to gambling, it's just manifesting itself in areas other than the casino. Dearheart, he doesn't even have the capacity to tell you, I Love You or to give you any affirmations. I can only imagine how cold his touch must be for you.
Hun, you deserve much, much more for your self than what this guy has to offer. You're a beautiful, Southern Lady who should let this guy go, as in kick 'em to the curb.
Don't settle for treatment like this in your life. You've been severely injured and as a man-friend, I would strongly encourage you to find healing and peace perhaps with a counselor or therapist. Make yourself healthy first and you'll be in a better position to find the right guy for you. I too also agree with Artisan and suzy's posts, too.
Best of everything. Thanks for making yourself so vulnerable here, it took a lot of courage!
 
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ngawildflower is offline ngawildflower Post #9  June 5,2009, 5:42am
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ThaddeusJohn wrote :
Dear Flower,

I'm so sorry about your previous abuse. I sense that it has beat you down quite a bit. I see several flags in this situation. It's rude here in Chicago as well not to call your lover by their name. Your right about him being addicted to gambling, it's just manifesting itself in areas other than the casino. Dearheart, he doesn't even have the capacity to tell you, I Love You or to give you any affirmations. I can only imagine how cold his touch must be for you.
Hun, you deserve much, much more for your self than what this guy has to offer. You're a beautiful, Southern Lady who should let this guy go, as in kick 'em to the curb.
Don't settle for treatment like this in your life. You've been severely injured and as a man-friend, I would strongly encourage you to find healing and peace perhaps with a counselor or therapist. Make yourself healthy first and you'll be in a better position to find the right guy for you. I too also agree with Artisan and suzy's posts, too.
Best of everything. Thanks for making yourself so vulnerable here, it took a lot of courage!
Thaddeus,
Thank you so much for your kind reply. As for my former marriage, I truly believe the quote "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger". I am stronger, and determined to not allow myself to wind up in a bad relationship again which is why it is extremely helpful to know that you can see these issues as red flags in the same light as I do. I am always one to try to see the best in people and go the 2nd mile even when my gut is screaming which is why I so desperately wanted to hear from others. I have certainly come to a very firm conclusion this is not the relationship for me for these reasons and others. You mentioned how cold his touch must be - there is nothing more attractive than a smile and I find the coldest thing I have maybe ever experienced is that when I look directly at him and give him a big smile he does not return it, he just stares. I've never had anyone else ever do that to me - talk about making you feel cold? I have firmly decided I could not live the rest of my life with that. I love to smile - and laugh. Life is short.

Thanks to everyone for your advise!
Cheers!
Jenny -aka Ngawildflower
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #10  August 12,2009, 1:50pm
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You seem to have become infected with his lack of respect and appreciation for you. It's easy enough to do and it is NOT GOOD.
And it will only get worse.
Bail.
 
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