RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #1  December 21,2009, 6:18pm

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Saturday was a disaster for me emotionally.

Last week, I’d told B I wanted to talk with him about us. I do know guys hate this phrase but I didn’t know how else to make enough of an impact so he’d listen to me. We didn’t get a chance then, but during the week I called him and we made a date for Saturday to spend the day together. I had some fantasy about being a seductive temptress and giving his Via..gra a try-had read up about it and was pretty enthusiastic about going for it.

We went to his condo for lunch and then........................ he presented me with a ring, and said “I know you wanted to know my intentions. I want us to get married as soon as we can. I’ve planned a vacation to Mexico for us in February and we could have our honeymoon then.”

This is 180 degrees from what I wanted to talk about which was primarily the viability of our future together.

I was floored.

I’ve really little desire to remarry and had made that clear to him when we started dating, and he said as much to me. We're widow/widower and still care deeply for our spouses. Now he’s assumed a great deal, made plans without discussing them with me and simply gone full steam ahead thinking he had me pegged.

I was too upset, and other than to kindly and gently tell him it’s far too soon for us to make any plans like this, couldn't right then explain what I felt or thought. What else could I say? I left right away saying my foot really hurt (and so did my head).

I am going to need to gently disengage from him, but soon. I’m obviously not nearly as good at communicating as I thought I was. B had essentially planned out our life, in his mind, with no input from me necessary. This is so wrong in so many ways and it’s frankly put me off dating - maybe forever!

He isn’t listening (again) to what I now say on the phone, was very upset that I wouldn’t take him to my family holiday gathering yesterday and keeps asking me “What do you want from me? I gave you a ring. Doesn’t that count for something?”.

I didn’t accept the ring, of course which is another sticking point for him.

He just doesn’t get it and I’m stumped on trying to explain it. It’s apparently a lost cause for both of us.

I don't know what I'm looking for from this post-Support? Vindication? Someone to point out what an idiot I am?

So many of you cautioned me that he wasn't hearing me, and I knew that. However, we had so much else in common that I had hoped for perhaps a slow process of mutual learning about each other and maybe eventually leading up to a stage where we were a couple. But marriage? Not in the picture for any number of reasons, starting with financial, a very important reason when one is my age. After that the reasons mount up quickly. But, primarily, it isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. Part of a couple...yes. But marriage? No thanks.
 
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Sucia1969 is offline Sucia1969 Post #2  December 21,2009, 6:30pm
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Absolutely nothing wrong with your reasoning, he was trying to anticipate what you were going to talk about, and jumped the gun. What does he have to gain/loose by marrying again? Be careful of the sharks, there's lot's of them out there. Good luck with getting him to see things the right way
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #3  December 21,2009, 6:42pm
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Roxy, I really can't see you being with someone who plans out your life for you. It seems a bit controlling. Maybe I'm overly sensitive to that, but it gives me the heebie jeebies because it reminds me of my first husband.

We met on a blind date, and absolutely nothing went right on that date, but we tried again and had a good 2nd date. On the 3rd date, he told me that he loved me. After a month and a half, he bought me a silver band to wear because he said I was attracting too much attention and he wanted me to look married (in hindsight: ). Within 4 months, we were living together and planning a large wedding.

Mind you, he never asked me if I wanted to get married or move in, just assumed I wanted what he wanted and acted hurt if I ever showed any signs of hesitation.

Even when I divorced him, he told me one of my rings was to remain on my hand as a reminder of the love we shared. I let him believe whatever he wanted. When I see it (I can't get it off), I'm reminded that I will NEVER be with someone ever again just because I feel obligated or grateful or afraid to hurt their feelings. I'm only with a man because I want to be.

Maybe that was a long story, but the point was that you need to do what is right for you. His life will go on and so will yours, but you need to be in charge of your own life again.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  December 21,2009, 7:32pm
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Awww, Roxy. (((hugs))) I was fully expecting to tune in to hear a lovely story about your wild and crazy via..gra adventures. When I read what you wrote, my jaw dropped.

You already know what you gotta do, but that doesn't make it any easier. Others have counseled fellow daters on here about how to convey the message ("we just have different life goals/visions for the future...") The timing of having to say something like that around the holidays can make you feel even worse about having to say it.

You're kind of my hero on here... I still want to be you when I grow up! I know you'll handle the situation as gracefully as possible, knowing it's a difficult thing to say/do.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  December 21,2009, 7:33pm
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OMG, I'm just itching to say it! I'm not going to be able to hold it in.....I told you that man had marriage on his mind. Didn't I just tell you that? I feel so.....vindicated, somehow. OK, done with that.

I don't think all is lost, to tell you the truth. Now, maybe it could be because I view marriage in a favorable light. I know you don't want to remarry. Still, I don't see this as an impossible impasse.

Lots of people don't remarry. Lots. You probably know some. I bet he does too. I don't see why you can't go that route.

I believe he offered marriage because he would like it, with you. Lots of men older than us think women our age want to get married; that we're just trying to reel them in while playing hard to get. No biggie.

Still, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if he were secretly a little bit relieved if you didn't want to marry, but did want to continue the relationship with him. I was right before, wasn't I? I could be right, here, too.

I know you'd like to have this man. He's the first one you've felt an affinity with in a long time. So you listen to me.

Tell him you don't want to remarry anybody, because you simply can't afford to lose that pension. If he says he's got enough money to take care of you.....you just drag out those horror stories of widowed friends who remarried and ended up fighting the step-children over inheritance issues. You just tell him you are not ever going to marry anybody again.

And then tell him you'd still like to take that trip down to Mexico with him.

Trust me on this, Roxy. You can still have this man.
GirlFriend, you can have your cake.....and eat it, too.

That's my take.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; December 21,2009 at 7:38pm. Reason: .....hot diggity d--n, i was right.....OK, i'm done.....
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  December 21,2009, 8:17pm

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j0hn8andy wrote :
OMG, I'm just itching to say it! I'm not going to be able to hold it in.....I told you that man had marriage on his mind. Didn't I just tell you that? I feel so.....vindicated, somehow. OK, done with that.

snip

And then tell him you'd still like to take that trip down to Mexico with him.

Trust me on this, Roxy. You can still have this man.
GirlFriend, you can have your cake.....and eat it, too.

That's my take.

j8a
I KNOW you did and I thought you were wrong! B and I had talked about not being married again on our first date!!! How clear can that be?

I don't know j8a, if I can do what you suggest (though I'd love to go to Mexico in Feb..it's so miserable here then).

I know that I couldn't be with a pushy assuming kind of person-thats pretty much a deal breaker for me. And Bill IS pushy and assuming and demanding too much of the time.

I'm not doing anything right now-and he's upset at me for not taking him to the kids house yesterday and introducing him as my fiancee. That would have gone over like the proverbial lead balloon!

WW, I'm humbled as being thought anyones hero! thanks for that vote of confidence.

chawks-your story is erie - the similarities are there-and I'd go to a jewelers and have that ring cut off and melted down into a nose ring-for the ex.

sucia-you sound like my kids, who, it turns out, have been investigating the guys I've dated more than a couple times the past year..something I just found out yesterday.

It was a weekend of 'bash me in the head with a 2x4' emotions.

I was glad to go to the Performing Arts Center today and usher for a children's program about the magical fairy. It felt like a respite from reality.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  December 21,2009, 10:16pm
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
I don't know j8a, if I can do what you suggest (though I'd love to go to Mexico in Feb..it's so miserable here then).

I know that I couldn't be with a pushy assuming kind of person-thats pretty much a deal breaker for me. And Bill IS pushy and assuming and demanding too much of the time.
And you don't have to.

What I said was predicated on the assumption you still wanted this man. Job 1 for you.....is to figure out what you really do want.

You're right he was assuming you want marriage. But I can see where a man his age would assume that, no matter what you said. How many times do we say no..... I couldn't hold it against him.

When a man offers marriage.....it's flattering, even if we do have to turn it down. When a man offers everything he has to give.....it's a gift, plain and simple. A gift should not to be scorned.....even if it does turn out not to be the one we really hoped to find.....underneath the Christmas tree.

Demanding of your time? Certainly, he is that. But I believe you to be a woman fully capable of handling that issue to your satisfaction, and his. You raised four children by yourself; you can do anything!

Pushy? I'm going to take your word for it. I haven't seen it in your posts, but I take your word for it.

Assuming and Demanding.....I believe you can handle. It's just the Pushy.

So you need to decide if you want him. Plain and simple.

You get to be you. B gets to be B.
It's what you're both good at.

j8a
 
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Sucia1969 is offline Sucia1969 Post #8  December 22,2009, 6:57pm
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snipped
RoxyRedhead wrote :
sucia-you sound like my kids, who, it turns out, have been investigating the guys I've dated more than a couple times the past year..something I just found out yesterday.
you can't be too careful. Despite what he tells you, reality may be another thing altogether, and he may be looking for someone to keep him comfortable in his coming years. Or someones money. I think a small amount of paranoia is good for the soul! Good for your kids, did they get any thing good?
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #9  December 22,2009, 7:29pm
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Do you think maybe he's a really traditional guy about not - er - checking out the VS goods until there was a ring on your finger?

In any event, I don't think this is a man that listens too well. Or he may be in a rebound stage and just wants to be married again.

(.... and I'm sure you'd be quite a catch, too! )
 
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souxieque is offline souxieque Post #10  December 23,2009, 9:22am

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Oh my G Roxie you're kidding me!!!!!!!!!!
This is so funny because u don't want to be engaged and i did and was upset my bf wouldn't and u r upset becaus your bf did. are we nuts?????????
I don't understand y u don't want to get engaged maybe u have a good reason. but i'm really in shock abt this for u!!!!!!!!!
what did he say that u got in a fight for?????
Ho my G i am so shock abt this!!!!! whole thing for u
 
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