Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #11  November 7,2009, 9:17pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
From Anonymous poster:

Maybe I am over-thinking it and still trying to be "too nice/good" . What I mean is, maybe I shouldn't put a damper on the moment, and go with the flow. When she gives me an indication she is had enough, I should just stop and answer any questions later. Only trouble with that is they are usually confused even after I explain it. How do I avoid this confusion? That's my real question to you ladies (especially). I don't think guys are going to understand this like I do, unless it has happened to them in the same way over a long period of time.
So is this your question?: If I talk about it beforehand, it puts a damper on things. But if I just go with the flow, and stop when she seems to be done, and we talk about it later, she's confused even though I explain it.

If not please post a correction! If that's about right:

Perhaps try talking about it when you're not going to be having sex. Bring it up at another time. That way the talk doesn't interfere with the flow of things.

I've had this happen to me, and it is confusing, in all kinds of ways: is he not attracted to me? am I doing something wrong? did he come or not? (yes it can be hard to tell, sometimes). It's pretty hard not to take it personally! Having it explained to me, in the kind of detail you've posted here, would make all the difference. But those explanations are going to be hard to take in, during afterglow. Much better to talk at a different time ... when the brain is more engaged, the body less open, the feelings less vulnerable.

I would think that for both you and your partner, having had the talk hours or days beforehand would take a lot of pressure off, make the whole thing a lot more enjoyable and fun, and who knows, lead to some good experimentation.

I also wonder if you would benefit from having sex, no ejaculation, then go do something together for a few hours: cook dinner, watch a movie, go to the beach, whatever, then come back and have part 2? Now that could be fun!
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #12  November 8,2009, 4:43am
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scarlet13 wrote :
if I'm a guy, then what are these C cups doing here?
*looks down
(Aha...another bit of info I needed to design my life-like Scarlet Doll..Bwahahaha)

As for OP....this sounds like an abnormality that requires professional / medical guidance..or buying a copy of the movie Carnal Knowledge starring Jack Nicholson.
Last edited by Dugl; November 8,2009 at 4:45am.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #13  November 9,2009, 7:07pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Female point of view: I would like you to tell me your situation and fears before we have sex. Otherwise I might assume you're just not that into me.

I can imagine this would be a difficult conversation to start. And I would appreciate that you did it.

Some unsolicited advice: (1) While you're working on finding solutions, there are many sexual activities that don't depend on "performance". Get creative with that! (2) Get a medical checkup in case your problem is some treatable medical thing. (3) There are therapists who specialize in sexual problems. Look for one of those. As with any therapist, be careful who you choose to work with. (4) #'s2 & 3 are only if this is a longterm chronic thing. The occasional mishap is nothing. #1 is good all the time! Sex doesn't have to be just the Big O. The entire body (including brain) is erogenous.
In my experience a woman tends to kill this kind of conversation before it ever can get started. I know there are some women who can talk about this, but I have found very few. If both men and women could freely communicate, things would be better for both.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #14  November 9,2009, 7:25pm

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I think if the sex conversation starts up too early, then yes, a woman can get wary. if the relationship is exclusive and things start heading to the bedroom, most women would welcome an honest discussion about sex.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #15  November 9,2009, 8:26pm
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A lot of times the sex conversation does start too early and with the intent of making a score. Men and women are guilty of this even though it is usually men doing this. But isn't finding out what the other expects (sexually) part of getting to know each other, and shouldn't be just a prelude to getting in bed together? For myself, I would want to know what is expected of me before going to bed together, doing what she likes, and hopefully having her do likewise.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #16  November 9,2009, 10:47pm
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One of my exes didn't always reach the big O when we had sex. And sometimes I didn't. You don't always have to reach that point in order for sex to be pleasurable. As long as both partners feel they are satisfied, there's no problem. If you are able to otherwise enjoy the experience and you yourself aren't overly concerned about not reaching that point, it doesn't have to be an issue. Sex is about fun and about connection, not about hitting some goalpost.

I would say the appropriate time to tell a woman is just before having sex or when there's a mutual willingness to talk about sex. Let her know this is common for you, and not a reflection on her. If you are generally able to enjoy sex in spite of this, let her know that too, so she knows it's mutually satisfying. But don't make it into a bigger issue than it needs to be. Heck, most women don't always reach the big O, and we don't generally feel we have to apologize to our partners about it or explain it or make excuses for it. (No, I'm not suggesting guys should stop caring about getting their women to that point - just recognize that it won't always happen, for any of a variety of reasons.)

I do think that your excessive worrying my be compounding the problem though. Relax. Enjoy yourself. The more apparent it is to your partner that you're enjoying yourself, the less of an issue this will be.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #17  November 10,2009, 3:59am
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I also have to have a discussion before sex because of things that happen during it. Nothing bad, some even see it as good, but either way, it needs to be brought up before anything happens.

My personal belief is that anyone I'm planning on being physically intimate with is someone I should feel comfortable being emotionally intimate with. So if I don't think I can have a potentially embarassing discussion with them, I probably won't be taking off my clothes around them either.

Most women are pretty good about dealing with the chinks in a man's armor IF we know up front what we are dealing with. I would mention it when it seems sex in imminent. Before then and it sounds like you're only interested in sex. If you wait until after, she might think you're not turned on by her and your explanation is just an attempt to make her feel better. If she can't handle hearing how you're not perfect, it's best to move on anyway.
 
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