Need Some Sound Advice for a Serious Issue


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Winnie10 is offline Winnie10 Post #1  September 1,2009, 4:03pm
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I really need some help on this one since I really can't go to anyone else.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half (I'm 28 and he's 27) and we're pretty serious with how we feel towards eachother, we're intimate, and have talked about moving in together next year. For the most part we can manage and talk through issues that come up but one in particular will not go away.

In the last year that we've been intimate, I have not seen him reach orgasm. He can do it on his own in private but has a hard time relaxing if I watch. He has not cum during intercourse and sex with him can sometimes go to long where I start to lose interest. Overall we're both very sexual and being close is very important to the both of us. I've tried everything that I can think of sexy lingerie, porn, lubricants.


I've been patient, we talked about seeing a counselor and he was able to cum one time but I had passed out (it was awhile) and I missed it. This is starting to weigh on me for four reasons:

1).I normally get very turned on when I see my partner reach orgasm and because he hasn't, I don't feel "complete/finito" when we're done. (Although he says he's fine and enjoys it)

2). Because I know that my partner can't reach orgasm, I start to check myself mentally out when we start fooling around and I'm afraid that I'll start to have problems getting and staying turned on because I do that

3). I can reach orgasm by myself in front of him, and he performs oral sex on me but he's not very experienced and doesn't pick up on things at all. I've tried showing him but he gets frustrated and gives up. So I'm trying to find something within our sexual relationship that is satisfying for the both of us. (I try oral on him but nothing, it doesn't work.)

4). My partner has started to lie to me when he masturbates so I don't get upset. In an effort to help with his orgasm, he has told me that he won't masturbate unless we're together, so it builds up and that I'm there.
This has been going on for quite some time and there have been some other issues popping up that's making me rethink everything. He's the sweetest guy and would do anything for me and I know he loves me. I just am having a hard time dealing with someone who is starting to tell white lies and I feel that has not taken a "mature" approach to handling this.


I need some advice on what to do because I'm starting to fall out of love with him and am getting sexually frustrated where I cry during sex and sometimes just want it to be over.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  September 2,2009, 3:06am
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has all the tools and can........satisfy

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The best advice you're going to get here is go see a counselor that specializes in sex therapy.

Good luck.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #3  September 2,2009, 10:30am
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tweet37 wrote :
The best advice you're going to get here is go see a counselor that specializes in sex therapy.

Good luck.
I ditto that.
 
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yvrs0926 is offline yvrs0926 Post #4  September 2,2009, 11:17am
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Could it be possible he is gay and doesn't know it? I have never heard of a guy not getting off on oral sex. Try blind folding him and see if that works.
 
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zal is offline zal Post #5  September 2,2009, 2:13pm
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He doesn't cum at all? I'm no physician, but I'd say he may have a medical issue. He should bring this up with his doctor. As for the comment that he may be gay and not realize it, I doubt that is possible. If he were gay we wouldn't get aroused in the first place.
 
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yvrs0926 is offline yvrs0926 Post #6  September 4,2009, 10:44am
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He could be bi-sexual. Does he lose his erection or just stays hard? If so, he could be taking viagara for a medical reason and did not tell you.
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #7  September 17,2009, 2:53am
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First of all, is he on any medications? Some, particularly some antidepressants, cause anorgasmia.

Second, is he sufficiently relaxed? Anxiety about performance is big for guys and can affect one's ability to have and keep an erection and even finish up. You thusly, may wish to take cumming out of the equation for if you take away the goal, you take away the performance anxiety. I would suggest trying some love making sessions where you take orgasm out of the equation. Agree, for a time, not to work towards orgasm. Instead, try some sensual/sexual massage, showers together, touching and naked making out, candles, music etc... all rolled into a routine and just enjoy each other's bodies and the intimacy that goes with that. That is, after all, what it is all about.

Fourth, try reading some books about sex. They probably have better insights than I .
 
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howa4x is offline howa4x Post #8  September 25,2009, 4:19am
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The problem is that he is masturbating too much and has gotten used to himself. when I was younger it happened to me with someone for that reason. Ask him to stop self pleasure completely. Try anal, maybe he need to feel something tight
 
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drcola is offline drcola Post #9  October 1,2009, 11:53pm
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First I'd like to say thank you Winnie10, for writing and giving a woman's perspective on this issue. It was helpful, because I am also a man with this same issue. It is serious, and I am glad you are seeking advice, he should be be too. It can be tough for a man to admit there is a problem requiring outside help.

First of all, I don't have "the" answer. I can point to a book titled: Doctor Timothy Johnson's OnCall Guide to Men's Health (2002 Hyperion Books--try HyperionBooks.com). On pages 302-3, The topic of Delayed Ejaculation is listed. Briefly, four risk factors are discussed; Emotional issues, Alcohol consumption, Health problems, Medications. This book might be a good start to help legitimize the problem for him. He is not the only guy out there, although it can seem so!

And, hopefully you know this, it is not your fault! It seems you are trying everything possible, and most of all-- being very supportive. He is lucky to have you in is corner! Don't give up, for it may take a lot of time and some effort.

I wish you well, both of you.
 
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pianoguy is offline pianoguy Post #10  October 5,2009, 1:27pm
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MW77009 wrote :
First of all, is he on any medications? Some, particularly some antidepressants, cause anorgasmia.

Second, is he sufficiently relaxed? Anxiety about performance is big for guys and can affect one's ability to have and keep an erection and even finish up. You thusly, may wish to take cumming out of the equation for if you take away the goal, you take away the performance anxiety. I would suggest trying some love making sessions where you take orgasm out of the equation. Agree, for a time, not to work towards orgasm. Instead, try some sensual/sexual massage, showers together, touching and naked making out, candles, music etc... all rolled into a routine and just enjoy each other's bodies and the intimacy that goes with that. That is, after all, what it is all about.

Fourth, try reading some books about sex. They probably have better insights than I .

Perfect advice ! take the pressure off ! perhaps in his desire to please you he is putting a lot of pressure on himself that is most likely the issue.. Maybe a great start is for both of you to reaffirm the thought that lovemaking is much more about the journey then the destination. free each other to enjoy one of Gods greatest gifts.
 
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