HappyG1rl is offline HappyG1rl Post #1  February 2,2009, 5:45pm
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This has been bothering me lately, and I wanted some other people's insight. Be honest, be brutal, whatever it takes, just help me shed some light on it...


I've been dating for about three years, and I've noticed a pattern of people wanting to have sex with someone before they decide they're willing to commit. It's like they're terrified of being stuck having bad sex for (gasp!) the rest of their lives.


So my questions are:


How long do you know someone before you have sex with them?


Do you need to have sex first to decide to commit to someone?


If you really like someone, would you be willing to work at having great sex with them?


I'm not a prude; I love sex. I would love to meet someone that I can't wait to wrap my legs around every day of the weekand twice on Sunday. I just don't want to be intimatewith someone until I know that they really want to be with me. I really feel like I'm in the minority, here. What do y'all think?
 
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FionaW is offline FionaW Post #2  February 2,2009, 6:55pm
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I have a hard time figuring this one out, too. And usually if you talk to much about sex before you have it, you end up having it. Evenif it's not that great.


I am always willing to work at sex. I don't know how much is too much.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #3  February 2,2009, 7:40pm
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With me, I have not set time limit to know someone before having sex. It depends on what is happening between us. If it works out we have sex on the first date, that is itself is not a deal breaker. I can usually see the inner person of others and base things on what I see there. No, sex on the first date is not a requirement and no sex is not arequirement either.


Deciding to commit to someone and having sex are 2 different things. If I am told we have to have sex for them to be able to commit to me makes me wonder what the other is really wanting, that could cast some doubt.


If two people really care for each other, they should not have to work at having great sex with each other, that should come natural in both just being themselves. I have a feeling that I have interpreted this differently than you were meaning though. I will try to make sure a partner enjoys sex as much as I do.


You have to live your life the way you think is best for yourself, not how others want you to live your life, be yourself, feel good about yourself, and keep yourself where others know what your values are.
 
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JustSomeDude is offline JustSomeDude Post #4  February 2,2009, 8:07pm
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I'm not sure what the issue here is. Is it a religious thing? If you want to have sex then have it, why do you need to be committed to someone before you do so.


If the question is such that "is it ok for two people who want to be in a deep relationship to have sex early on before becoming exclusive?" then here is what I think.


I think its important for both of them to be on the same page emotionally. If both are fine with it I don't see any harm of it.


My last serious relationship of 1.5 years was such. We had rounded second base on our first date. Our second date lasted 2 days and we had sex at the end of that. It was Valentines day so we had some help. Relationship was not any worse from it. We broke up because of personal differences but for a long time we had just as good chance as any couple.
 
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HappyG1rl is offline HappyG1rl Post #5  February 2,2009, 8:31pm
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I'm not sure if I have any hard and fast (oops, no pun intended) rules for how I decide when to have sex, and I certainly don't need "the talk"beforehand. I prefer a more natural approach. It just seems that they guys have been bringing it up with regularity when I do start to date someone.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #6  February 2,2009, 8:37pm
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Well, guys have been accussed of only wanting sex, but for me, I like to be open, be where we can talk about anything, no topic excluded, but do not want a topic forced, let the topics come naturally.
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #7  February 4,2009, 1:22am
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Let's just say that I've done some stupid things in my life. Having said that, I finally figured out that it's not just about sex. There has to be a basis for a relationship BEFORE sex and that relationship makes it all the better. I agree with Bob, things have a natural order and sometimes slamming on the brakes and getting in the proper speed zone is a requirement to building a great relationship.


Welcome to the boards, Happy!
 
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ATL_guy411 is offline ATL_guy411 Post #8  February 4,2009, 12:50pm
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This topic is one of the ALL-TIME most talked-about. How long should I wait to have sex? And - Is every guy I meet just wanting to have sex?


Happy Girl - you hit the nail right on the proverbial head: there ARE a lot of guys (especially divorced guys who were in bad marriages) who remember being terribly frustrated sexually and came to beleive that either their wife was frigid, simply didn't like sex, and/or they have a deep fear of being unattractive (and therefore sexually undesireable) to women.


The truth is that when a woman is in an unhappy relationship it is hard for her to feel sexual. Men can be in a badrelationship and will try to fix it with sex!Men and womenare wired so very differently in this regard. By the time the realtionship is over and the man is ready to start dating again, a huge fear is getting into a relationship "again" with a woman who doesn't enjoy sex or who is uninterested in sex. Ironically the exwife is probably looking forward to being with someone who she feels connected to and would have been very happy to have sex with him if there hadn't been so much difficulty and distress in the marriage.


I actually overheard one of my woman friends who was engaged say that she was looking forward to the upcoming ceremony and honeymoon so they could GET PAST all the sex he was wanting all the time! She was EXPECTING things to settle down and for sex to take a back seat to all the other facets of "domestic biss!" I can tell you - there will be no happiness in that house. His expectation will be far different from hers. So there is some rational reason behind those questions from some guys.


So if I could just make a suggestion (respectfully) - don't assume his questions about sex are simply because he is only interested in getting you into bed. He may not be very tactful about it, but he may just be trying to make sure that you don't have any particular aversion to sex, because he may be looking for a potential mate who is comfortable with the idea of a healthy sexual relationship. And as we age, women seem to be far happier with less sex than most men. (Exceptions to the rule are noted and appreciated.)


Having said that - I know there ARE some guys who are trying to make up for "lost time" and really ARE just looking for a good time. Be honest, be sincere, and be real.


And DON'T automatically assume you know why he's asking those questions. Try this - when he starts asking deeply personal questions about sex, try turning the question around on him. You seem very interested in this topic. Is there some reason it is important for you ask at this early stage of a relationship? Have you been in a relationship before where things in the bedroom were a source of frustration for you? And be honest about your feelings on it. Tell him if you feel that sex is an important part of a committed relationship, but not something that you share casually with someone who you have only recently met.


Communicate, people! Talk half as much as you listen. Ask questions and then really listen to the answers.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #9  February 4,2009, 1:08pm
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A friend of mine always says, "There is a kind of food women eat that makes them stop wanting sex - weddingcake."
 
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curious_girl is offline curious_girl Post #10  February 4,2009, 7:04pm
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Mokkesofie,471036 wrote :

A friend of mine always says, "There is a kind of food women eat that makes them stop wanting sex - weddingcake."
(note to self; do not serve wedding cake....serve some other dessert)


ROTFLMAO


Gee; and all this time I've been viewing the wedding as an all access pass!
 
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