tammpoet72 is offline tammpoet72 Post #1  June 28,2010, 2:42pm
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my delight is the Lord who will fulfill the desire of my heart

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Hi. I haven't posted in a long while but I would like to vent about something & then get feedback from fellow believers on this board. For about a week I was in good eHarmony communication with a match, also a Christian. We had good talks, mostly about basic likes etc. & e-mailed about once a day. As most of us, he had some "wounds" from a past marriage he briefly told me about & I also told him some things from my past relationships little by little. We have both been on our own seceral years, so it's not like there was "rebounding" or anything. Well, yesterday he asked me to tell him further about how I became a Christian, which I did in detail. I know experts say not to get into certain past emotional issues early on. Yet, this person asked me, he used to be a pastor, & I thought we are Christians & this is a part of how I came to faith. So, after I share this he writes back today saying that he cannot eHarmony mail with me anymore because of certain personality traits I have. The basic thing I shared was that I used to suffer from depression because of my mother's death, this was ten years ago! Either I was naive in thinking I could share this & have him see God's healing in me, or he still has some baggage from his wife & saw me as a red flag. I'm not sure what I should have done differently, if anything. I'm not heartbroken, just a little annoyed. But I'm mostly relieved...if he cannot rejoice with me in how far I've come & judges me for my wounds in the past, God has a better man for me who will treat me as I deserve.

So, what are your thoughts, how far is too far to share, even for a Christian? Are we not to extend grace to others as well as accept it for ourselves? Does our faith put us in a different realm than others as far as sharing a testimony and so forth? Thanks in advance for your input! I'm quite frankly becoming cynical about the type of "Christian" men I've been matched with. Some don't care that intimacy is for marriage (I know you've discussed that at length here), or they are still already married! God, not eHarmony, is the true matchmaker; this is merely a vessel.
I'll be quiet now...
 
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Diann1950 is online now Diann1950 Post #2  June 28,2010, 4:31pm
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I think you were very fortunate to find out his opinions early on. Depression is a real and treatable condition and no more stigmatizing than high blood pressure or diabetes, you already know this but there are many people who see it as a "problem". You sound very well grounded and sensible, just remember that "by their works you shall know them". I trust more in what a person does and acts than what he claims when it comes to religion and belief.
 
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Lcanada is offline Lcanada Post #3  June 28,2010, 8:48pm
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Sorry to hear that...

I'm not sure it's a faith issue, but a relational fear on his part.

Sometimes emotional intimacy comes too fast, and sometimes
people may not be ready for that regardless of any past relationships.

I do hope people don't hold anything that is past (and no longer
an issue) against anyone.

Relieved and rejocing for the better for you
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #4  June 28,2010, 10:10pm
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I see the problem as his. If we as Christians cannot share our hearts and walks then what have we learned. No one is perfect.
 
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tammpoet72 is offline tammpoet72 Post #5  June 29,2010, 4:25am
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Thanks so much for your encouragement! I would not be using eHarmony if I were not "grounded" & the depression & grief a thing of the past. I praise God for His wholeness. I do not regret being honest & transaprent because that is who I am. I wish he would have been compassionate rather than critical, but it is good I know now. i know depression is serious & in the future I will make crystal clear the steps I took how I am now a new person. I had a suspicion there were unresolved thiings with him & he was not "the one". It's just emotionally exhausting to keep up the process of "meeting" men & finding they are not "it" yet.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #6  June 29,2010, 3:06pm
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Honestly, I would think that after 10 years the statute of limitations has definitely expired! Glad you found out he felt this way early on.

I was on meds for depression back about 7 years ago, for around 6 months. I divorced my ex-husband, was living on my own for the first time ever (with 2 kids), lost my job, and then my dad passed away. Honestly, who wouldn't have been depressed! There are also chemical reasons why people would take meds. Either way, if it was 10 years ago and no more recent episodes, it's absolutely a non-issue. Or, more accurately, it's his issue and not yours.

Right before I met my boyfriend, I had a complete change in attitude. In the past, when I would get to that point where I would realize this just wasn't going to work out (or he did and dumped me), I would feel horrible. Here was one more relationship down the drain.

Suddenly, I got into the mindset of "Moving on - Next!" and thats when I met my Keeper. If I had been seeing someone else and trying to work things out, we never would have met. If you can come around to seeing things that way, it can give you more hope, like it's the beginning of a new adventure, not the end of romance.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #7  June 30,2010, 6:53am
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tamm, let me apologize right up front for taking the contrarian view.

getting to know someone brand new is a daunting task. it can be overwhelming even without sharing the baggage that all of us carry. and i always recommend sharing information about oneself over an extended period of time.

that is not to say- hide things. rather reveal them as appropriate. and as you feel comfortable sharing things. and as the other can take them.

still, at times, misjudgments are made. and in the end- as i've said before in many places to more than one person- none of us are obligated to be in a relationship with any one other person. each of us must decide what it is we are willing to handle, accept and deal with in another person.

i see it kind of like eating very rich deserts. one may like doughnuts. another, chocolate cake. and another fruit salad. pick what you like. and what you like and are willing to eat is not the same as what i want. and then, one does not force-feed the desert. but takes moderate bites. so that the stomach is not overwhelmed and unpleasant results are not...

well, you know.

so, yes. in this instance i agree with the "experts." it is possible to share too much too soon. everybody does not need to know everything about another all the time. i recommend revealing facts about your past more slowly next time.

and good luck in your search.
 
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tammpoet72 is offline tammpoet72 Post #8  June 30,2010, 7:15am
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I really appreciate all the responses here. Thanks for sharing your experience chawks64, I'm glad you found your "keeper" . I like your advice about not looking at it as the end of a romance, but the start of a new adventure. I do believe that each encounter we have with another, though it may not work out as planned, can prepare me to be a better person for the "keeper" who is yet to come. I certainly have learned much here.

And notyet, your advice is wise. I must learn how & what to share discreetly, even if the other person asks. People are complicated & we never know how what we share, though we feel we are doing a favor by being blatantly honest, may be taken by another. It's probably best to show over time by my life & actions that I really am over the things of the past. It's all about striking a healthy, beautiful balance.

Thanks my friends!
Last edited by tammpoet72; June 30,2010 at 7:17am.
 
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