waltercl is offline waltercl Post #31  September 30,2009, 7:39pm
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Questioninggirl wrote :
Thank you for everyone who has contributed. My question was a little abstract and broad. To narrow it down...I'm wondering if some of our cultural dating rules/games seem to be a little self centered, deceptive and/or manipulative to anyone else. For example...

Hook the guy/girl; make sure to leave them wanting more; Don't do XYZ or you'll seem needy; don't call them for X days or you'll turn them off; don't accept a request for a date after Wednesday for the weekend; don't let them think you are too free or don't call or write back too soon (while the other person goes through emotions wondering if you are still interested.)

These are just a few of so many "rules" I have heard outside and on this site...just as an example. It seems to me that these are very focused on getting what WE want. Not other centered...as Jesus would call us to be. Am I wrong? Or does anyone feel the same?
I think what you are referring to is the general idea of playing hard to get and not giving too much away so as to keep someone interested. It is often referred to as "playing the game." The reality is this game does indeed work. Women are drawn to a man with confidence, and they don't like a guy who comes off as clingy and needy. So guys learn at an early age that if you really want to get a girl then you need to have a certain amount of mystery and "Play the game." So yes in terms of those rules it does mean waiting a certain amount of time to call or follow up on a date.

Conversely a guy wants a woman to show interest and let him know that she is into him but not so much interest that she too comes off as clingy and needy. So she is also constantly wondering if she should initiate or if she should make the next move, etc. etc. etc.

So should Christians follow these rules and be concerned about these protocols?

My thoughts are no. But here is why. If we as Christians have Christ as first place in our life then our personal confidence level and self-esteem will be coming from that relationship. We won't come off as clingy and needy because we'll always know in the back of our minds that if a human relationship doesn't work out then we always have our main relationship with Christ to fall back on. Of course rejection and disappointment still hurt, but you can recover much more quickly if these priorities are in order.

I think this also frees us up from having to worry about who makes what move when. If our priorities are in order and if a relationship is meant to be then God's will is going to come to pass. And if not then we can rest in the knowledge that it wasn't meant to be so there is no use obsessing over whether we should have done this or not done that.

So you could basically sum this all up by saying, no need to worry about rules, protocols, etc. because when it's suppose to happen it's going to happen
 
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Questioninggirl is offline Questioninggirl Post #32  October 1,2009, 4:42am
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waltercl wrote :
If our priorities are in order and if a relationship is meant to be then God's will is going to come to pass. And if not then we can rest in the knowledge that it wasn't meant to be so there is no use obsessing over whether we should have done this or not done that.

So you could basically sum this all up by saying, no need to worry about rules, protocols, etc. because when it's suppose to happen it's going to happen
I agree
 
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MUHerdboy is offline MUHerdboy Post #33  October 7,2009, 10:10am
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I live in WV, and it seems that it is very hard to find any good Christain girls that go to church anymore. It is very hard for a divorced father of a 7 year old son to meet Christian women. Are there any Christian women in WV out there that would like to write back and let me know where you are?
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #34  October 7,2009, 9:38pm
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MUHerdboy wrote :
I live in WV...
i notice this is your first post. congratulations and welcome to eha- as we call eharmony advise and to christian singles in particular.

i don't know what it is like in west virginia but i do have sympathy for you as a single father looking for a mate. that, i know, is not easy.

but i do encourage you too look- if god has given you the desire for a spouse. i am not one who believes we need to sit back and let god bring us everything. i think often we need to take initiative. if we are hungry- we cook a meal. if we need a job- we go apply for a job. if we need clothes- we go to wall-mart...

Last edited by notyet; October 8,2009 at 8:41am. Reason: typos...
 
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BrownEyedGirl77 is offline BrownEyedGirl77 Post #35  October 8,2009, 1:16pm
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MUHerdboy wrote :
I live in WV, and it seems that it is very hard to find any good Christain girls that go to church anymore. It is very hard for a divorced father of a 7 year old son to meet Christian women. Are there any Christian women in WV out there that would like to write back and let me know where you are?
I am in OH, and I feel the same can be said for men. Are there any good men out there that go to church without being nagged to do so by their families? I am a newly single mother. It was a chore to get my ex to go to Mass. Now I am open to possibly taking the risk and falling in love again... I just would love to find a good, practicing Catholic male to do so with. I am starting to wonder if he exists...
 
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MarciaC is offline MarciaC Post #36  October 10,2009, 11:41am

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I have a question. At my church there are a few singles. There are guys to date.

But there is one guy who is 52 and divorced, another who is 48 and has always been single. Theres another guy who is divorced, with kids and is in his 40's.

None of these dudes want to date a woman their age. They all say they want to have kids or even more kids than what they have right now.

So what happens if they find a 20's or 30's age group woman and after they get married she finds out she cannot conceive? Will the deal or marriage be off so he can find another babymaker? Some guys are not interested in adoptions.

Am I merely a breeder? I want a guy to love me for me, not because I can give birth. I want someone closer to my age and won't make me a widow when I'm 50 or 55. Gosh, I want someone to be grandpap when I'm grandmaw.

Was this the wrong thread to say my rant?
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #37  October 10,2009, 12:46pm
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MarciaC wrote :
I have a question. At my church there are a few singles. There are guys to date.

But there is one guy who is 52 and divorced, another who is 48 and has always been single. Theres another guy who is divorced, with kids and is in his 40's.

None of these dudes want to date a woman their age. They all say they want to have kids or even more kids than what they have right now.

So what happens if they find a 20's or 30's age group woman and after they get married she finds out she cannot conceive? Will the deal or marriage be off so he can find another babymaker? Some guys are not interested in adoptions.

Am I merely a breeder? I want a guy to love me for me, not because I can give birth. I want someone closer to my age and won't make me a widow when I'm 50 or 55. Gosh, I want someone to be grandpap when I'm grandmaw.

Was this the wrong thread to say my rant?
no, this was not the wrong place to rant. i am glad to see you post. but i would like to respond as someone who fits the profile of your post.

i am that forty-something man who is divorced with children. and just as there are things that a woman might look for- financial stability, health, someone your own age- there are things i am looking for like having another child or two. this is not inherently a bad thing. just as it is not bad for a woman to seek financial stability.

i am not just looking for a "breeder" as you put it just as i assume you are not looking to be bank rolled. but both desires could be twisted to appear that way. i am looking for a friend and companion. someone to walk with god with me. i am also looking for someone with whom i can continue my family because that is a desire that i have.

if we were both in our twenties and in love and looking to marry, i am willing to bet that we would be hoping to have children and that you would be hoping that i stayed gainfully employed. obviously, none of us know the future. people get sick. jobs are lost. children are not always carried full-term. my own seond child was miscarried. things happen. life is not often pretty.

as i was recently told, sailboats do not move in calm seas.

so if god grants me that godly lady with whom i hope to expand my family and we marry and she ends up infertile- no, it will not be a deal breaker. i will not put her to the curb. marriage to me is for life.

yes, i am divorced. no, i did not have any control over it. you can only control yourself. you really have no power to control another person. they are always going to do what they want to do. and we can talk about divorce and remarriage in another thread (again...).

but here is some hard reality- for most of human existence, women have been given in marriage to much older men. the fact that we in america choose to mate with people close to our own age is a sociological anomaly.

and even in my own experience- when i was younger, in my teens and twenties- the women my age were almost exclusively seeking older men. they were stable and more mature- "marriageable." i was considered to be young, ignorant and broke. now that i am older, i do find it slightly amusing that the women my age now think i should be dating them! twenty years ago, as a group, they would not give me the time of day. now, they lament that i am not paying them any attention!

you at 36 probably won't have too hard of a time finding someone your own age. but as you get older, that chance will decrease. when you get to be my age- mid-forties- it will be very hard for you to find that man your age.

it may not be right in your eyes. and it may not be fair. but it is what it is. it is life.
 
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MarciaC is offline MarciaC Post #38  October 12,2009, 2:41pm

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Oh, I did not write to offend anyone.

You mention that people who marry those who are close in their age is an American anomaly. I believe it is progress. Women have more choices. I do not need a man for his financial stability. Some women even marry men who are younger than they are. I don't see anything in God's word that says it is important for a woman to marry a man much older than herself.

My aunt is an OB/GYN She says medical science is finding out that a man's ability to father a child diminishes as he grows older. Even in his forties a man's sperm can be inferior. He may not be fertile either or his sperm can produce a handicapped child. Even if he was able to impregnate a woman earlier in his life.

Have you ever met a young widow with children? It is heartbreaking.

I hope this is not a sign of a mid-life crisis. A way to keep your youth.

If you really like children, the world is full of homeless children. Wouldn't this be a good thing for a Christian to do?

Are you angry at the women who shunned you when you were younger?
Be careful what you wish for.

I thought I would reply and hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to cause a fight.
 
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peppermint21 is offline peppermint21 Post #39  October 17,2009, 9:45pm
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This question has been bothering me for a while now. Especially since because of my racial, educational, income and physical demographics, my chances of marriage are slim to none. People say there's someone for everyone, but I've seen many women go before me...good Christian women...that went their whole lives without being married. Some that genuinely wanted to too. Accepting this led me to realize that I instead need to be asking, is marriage something God wants for me?

I was letting my statistical chances get me down, but then God showed me that it just meant I had fewer opportunities to force something into my life that God may not have wanted for me.

I really believe you need to start by questioning why you want a spouse in the first place. Is it to be a light to others through your marriage? Is it to relieve a desire to be loved by another human? To have children? To stop people asking when you'll marry? I think motivation is a very important piece of this puzzle.
 
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jsbach is offline jsbach Post #40  October 18,2009, 10:12am
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Peppermint, you are so very right! At least I think so.
Motivation is important. Why do we want what we want? As a Christian following God's will for our life, we must filter our desires through Him.

There is a song that says, "Only one life will soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." Amen.
 
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