May I get your ideas / advice / suggestions?


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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #1  August 12,2009, 8:16am

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I posted my must haves / can't stands over in another thread but I would like some honest opinions about them from you all. I'm fairly confident in my reasonings for choosing them, but I would like opinions from those more experienced in relationships to see if my reasonings stand up to scrutiny.

I replaced the eHarmony description of the characteristic with my reasoning for having the characteristic listed. (yes I realize on eHarmony I can't do this)

Paul

MUST HAVES - Overall I chose these based on what type of life I expect to lead after marriage. I really don't want to change where I'm going in life, I just want someone who's going in the same direction!

Intellect... Someone who can keep up with me mentally and not get frustrated. Tuning me out because my mental pace is too fast is not a good substitute for asking questions and being engaged.

Spirituality... This is my heart and soul

Relaxed... Someone who knows the secrets of being relaxed while having two feet off the ground

Emotionally Generous... I'm deeply emotionally responsive in my heart regardless of what expression winds up on my face. I need someone who complements this part of me.

Exciting... Someone who will risk it all to follow their deepest love. Life IS an adventure.

Verbal Intimacy... While I don't want someone who clouds my thinking with non-stop talking, I really do want to know her deepest emotions and thoughts so that I can love her deeply and be considerate in all ways

Affectionate... While I've been abstinate (I won't say saving myself because it hasn't exactly been completely up to me) this doesn't mean that after marriage I don't want passionatly affectionate! Affection, emotionally and physically is very important to me in my marriage.

Conflict Resolver... I don't want a stay-at-home wife, I want a make-a-home-wherever-she-is wife.

Kindness... While her attitude and heart is the most important part, how it comes out is important too.

Strong Character... I want to have full trust in my wife, that she will do the right thing even when we're not together to discuss it and encourage each other.



CAN'T STANDS - Overall I chose these based on attitudes towards other people. It would be difficult once we are together, to try to change how she treats others... and because I expect marriage to be a teamwork effort, how she views and treats people outside the team is very very very important!

Anger... quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger

Cheap... someone who knows that sharing what you have is stronger than keeping what you may lose

Gossip... spreading slander, true or not doesn't accomplish love's interests

Workaholic... someone who knows where the true treasures in the world lay

Rude... someone who is not only concerned about people's physical wellfare, but also their emotional wellfare

Petty... someone who knows how to choose their battles

Grudges... Why hold grudges? You're savior has died for them too. Don't bring about God's discipline by the grudges you hold

Judgmental... Judging what is right in all situations is different from standing in judgement on someone. Standing in judgement is blocking your own forgiveness. (I'm talking about God's active discipline not your eternal salvation)

Mean Spirited... You may very well do everything right but if you do it in a manner which is wrong, everything you do is wrong

Arrogant... humility is not only attractive, it's the very foundation of wisdom
 
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FaithNGod is offline FaithNGod Post #2  August 12,2009, 12:56pm
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If these preferences fit who you are to your best judgement of your self then they are the best for you. Their is no right or wrong choices, but what fits you. Good luck in finding a woman.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #3  August 12,2009, 4:41pm
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As a woman, I would say these are all very good. There isn't much that can be taken wrong, and they seem pretty reasonable.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  August 13,2009, 2:59am
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Hi Paul,

I think your MH/CS list has been well thought through and applies to your life. I think this is a good place to be and there isn't anything on your MH/CS list which feels weird to read. All the best!

Meri.
 
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ss47 is offline ss47 Post #5  August 13,2009, 3:07am
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I can see that you are deeply in touch with yourself, having examined that which is important to you. There is no reason to expect or look for less, or you will be deeply disappointed. Be happy within yourself first & that will draw your match to you...Blessings & wishes for all things good that God in store to you.
 
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mclark is offline mclark Post #6  August 13,2009, 8:09am
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I agree with the other posts here. You have chosen MH/CS that are not shallow and reflect those of a man of faith.

Take heart, she's out there. Actively be praying for her spiritual developement while you are working on yours.
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #7  August 13,2009, 12:03pm
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I like the way you list the "can't stands" as words and then, instead of focusing on the negative, you give the postitive alternative to that behavior.

One of the thing I hold in memory from a interpersonal communication class I took many years ago is that you can compromise on some things, but values cannot be compromised without denying who you are. In the end, that denial will cause distance. I read here values. They are worth holding to.

But remember, sometimes, we can mean the same things and word it differently from our cultural backgrounds. Listen well as you seek this woman you long for.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #8  August 13,2009, 6:11pm
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You have to make these choices based on what you feel. You could change them based on what other people's opinions, but then would you be satistified with the matches that you get based on these preferences. Sometimes, when it comes to these types of things, there really isn't much input that anyone can give another person.
 
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cloudedleopard is offline cloudedleopard Post #9  August 13,2009, 8:17pm

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CreolePrincess wrote :
You have to make these choices based on what you feel. You could change them based on what other people's opinions, but then would you be satistified with the matches that you get based on these preferences. Sometimes, when it comes to these types of things, there really isn't much input that anyone can give another person.
I have been enjoying tremendously what these ladies are telling me. Here's some of the nuggets of wisdom I've been gleaning out of all these responses:

coeri:
"I like the way you list the "can't stands" as words and then, instead of focusing on the negative, you give the postitive alternative to that behavior. "

I didn't even realize I did that, I was just typing what was on my heart. But now that you pointed it out, I can see what I did and I can make an effort to be more like I was here.... positive regardless of the negative nature of the structure.

coeri:
"I read here values. They are worth holding to. " -

~~This is the confidence that will help me hold to what I posted and not go double-thinking it trying to "make it better"

coeri:

"But remember, sometimes, we can mean the same things and word it differently from our cultural backgrounds. Listen well as you seek this woman you long for."

~~This is one of those nuggets of wisdom that is so easy to forget I am glad of the reminders.

mclark:

"You have chosen MH/CS that are not shallow and reflect those of a man of faith."

~~Again this builds my confidence in what I have posted, thank you!

"Take heart, she's out there. Actively be praying for her spiritual developement while you are working on yours."

~~Something I've done a few times in the past, but now that I'm reminded about it, why not pray daily??? Do you know the feeling of knowing that someone you have net met has been praying for you for DAILY for X years? I've had someone who I have known and met continue to pray for me for years even though I was out of their life.... HOW AWESOME THAT FEELING THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PETITIONING GOD FOR ME "BEHIND MY BACK"!!!! Awesome, truely awesome. It lets me realize that all the good things in my life haven't just "fallen" in my lap, there have been people praying for me since my birth and throughout my life ~~ How awesome an opportunity to love my wife before I know her.

ss47:
"I can see that you are deeply in touch with yourself, having examined that which is important to you. There is no reason to expect or look for less, or you will be deeply disappointed. Be happy within yourself first & that will draw your match to you...Blessings & wishes for all things good that God in store to you."

~~I have said it already to the other ladies, but I will keep on saying it. These are wonderful words of encouragement and they help me be confident in what I am doing and they challenge me to stay on the path I have chosen. Thank you! and Thank you also for the blessings!

Meri:
"I think your MH/CS list has been well thought through and applies to your life. I think this is a good place to be and there isn't anything on your MH/CS list which feels weird to read. All the best!"

~~Thank you for your encouragement and the confidence you give me by your words.

chawks64:
"As a woman, I would say these are all very good. There isn't much that can be taken wrong, and they seem pretty reasonable."

~~As a man, I thank you very much for helping guide me and encourage me

And in fact, any woman who thinks these are "pretty reasonable" is darn right attractive (and reasonable) in my books. Where are all the men who agree with what I said?

FaithNGod:
"If these preferences fit who you are to your best judgement of your self then they are the best for you. Their is no right or wrong choices, but what fits you. Good luck in finding a woman."

~~Thanks for the reminders, fng, and for the luck. I don't want to get into right or wrong choices, but if I have 5 mature Christian women telling me these great things about my method of how I arrived at these choices, that really helps build my confidence in how I am approaching my wants/needs for lifelong partner.

Thank you all for responding to my post, every time I get a response it lights up my eyes just like getting a personal letter in the mail. God Bless you all abundantly.
 
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mclark is offline mclark Post #10  August 14,2009, 6:53am
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coeuri wrote :
I like the way you list the "can't stands" as words and then, instead of focusing on the negative, you give the postitive alternative to that behavior.

One of the thing I hold in memory from a interpersonal communication class I took many years ago is that you can compromise on some things, but values cannot be compromised without denying who you are. In the end, that denial will cause distance. I read here values. They are worth holding to.

But remember, sometimes, we can mean the same things and word it differently from our cultural backgrounds. Listen well as you seek this woman you long for.
How right you are!!! I felt I had to do that to keep peace in my home and I truly lost who God made me to be. It has taken me years to find her again.

The values we have chosen, let them not be merely be espoused, but rather, reflect the fruits and gifts of the spirit. With that reflection and the Lord's help, we live as closely to them as we can and choose a mate with values that also reflect the fruits and gifts of the spirit.
 
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