Abuse, How do we reconciling our lives


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mclark is offline mclark Post #1  July 28,2009, 8:38am
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Obviously there is a lot controversy surrounding abuse issues, judging by the responses to the divorce question. I propose this tread be a place, for those of us who wish, where we can share our stories, support each other, discuss our trials and tribulations, celebrate our successes, and pray for each other. I suspect this a more wide spread problem in church communities than any one wants to admit. Somehow we need find a way to affect change. Maybe through loving conversation, we can have compassion and understanding for each other and hopefully come up with real, affective, alternatives to bring about education and support in our home churches for these issues and for those who are suffering, perpetrator as well as victims.
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #2  July 28,2009, 6:17pm
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mclark,

I agree with you that we need a place to support people who deal with this struggle. I would caution people that you don't go into too graphic details though as, in your healing, you don't need people to pick you apart. Use a thread like this to find those who are safe to share with and share more deeply through private messaging. But the support is there in prayer and caring. I just begin my supprt with a word of wisdom gained from my own past life experiences.

May those who enter this thread enter with the grace of remembering that we are all cleansed and loved by a merciful God.
Last edited by coeuri; August 2,2009 at 3:52am.
 
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mclark is offline mclark Post #3  July 29,2009, 5:09am
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Amen!!!!!!
The intention would be for us to support each other in love, not use the Word to hurt each other. We have all had enough of that already. I don't think if one has not gone through a similar situation, self or family member, there is no real nderstanding for the emotional and spiritual anguish that is dealt with before, during, and after a decision of this magnitude.
If any one of us begins to feel brow beaten, I think some changes could be made.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #4  July 29,2009, 2:54pm
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Okay, okay, I'll post.

I've already given most of the gory details before, so I won't beat a dead horse, but I do want to offer some encouragement.

First and foremost, anyone going through this will make mistakes. Thankfully, there is always forgiveness. And let that be enough. If He can forgive you, then please forgive yourself as well.

Second, make sure you give yourself time to heal. Making big decisions or even starting new romantic relationships should wait a while. Until you have completely worked through all of your feelings (which takes longer than you think), you will still be in a reactionary mode. You will be acting on "I'm not going there again" instead of "this is what I really want and need". You need a clear head to make a new start.

Third, once you do heal, be proud of your new found strength and use it to help others. It will be good for the people you help and yourself as well. There will situations that can only be understood by those that have been through them.

You can have a good life. You can make your own decisions, living with the good ones and the bad ones. And you will have both.

I'm not trying to be the poster child here. Like I've said before, there are many women who have dealt with much worse situations than I have. But I'm looking at my life now and (for the most part...) I like it. I have a pretty good job, though it's about as tough as they get, and I have my own apartment. I have children who respect me, see my inner strength, and know they can always count on me. I'm responsible for my own decisions (good and bad) and I have self respect.

I'm definitely not wealthy (not even close) and I can barely pay the bills, but that's okay. I feel safe in my own home and my life is my own. That's pretty good right there.
 
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mclark is offline mclark Post #5  July 31,2009, 3:15pm
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chawks64
Thank you for sharing your story.
I went back three different times, trying to make it work. Only to find the episodes grew in intensity and frequency. The most intense episodes happened during a time when my faith was growing by leaps and bounds. It was as though the confidence I gained as a child of God, loved and valued, was seen as a threat to the man's authority. I guess in a way it was, man, no longer had authority over me, God now held that position. Even now years later, he views the church as the reason for the marriage's demise.
I do know in the very depths of my being, I did the right thing.
It doest not matter who agrees or not, God knows the anguish, torment, sorrow and grief that we we go through in situations of abuse. He is the one that we have to please and answer to. Each of my girls now understands from a very practical sense, they are not to be treated in an abusive manner. The cycle can be broken. Isn't that closer to what God would want for his children?
I find myself still grieving, even now. I think I'm finally over things, and then I get emotional all over again. When I found out he was seeing another woman, 3 years ago, though I knew we could not work, the first thought I had was, " Why am I not good enough?" It took a year of uncontrolled emotional outbursts to let that go.
I don't want anyone to feel they are being torn to shreds. We have already had enough of that treatment. If this tread is too painful or sets off too much controversy, I would prefer to let it go.
The objective is to offer support, encouragement, and speak what is edifying.
 
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heaven13696 is offline heaven13696 Post #6  July 31,2009, 7:55pm
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God is the Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. You begin with Him. If you carry guilt, know that you are not responsible. Forgive yourself. Release the guilt. It's a very important step in beginning the healing process. You must also forgive the perpetraitor. Unforgiveness is a cancer that slowly kills you. It does nothing to the one who hurt you. Take one moment at a time. Then one hour. Then one day. May God bless and keep you.
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #7  August 2,2009, 4:02am
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For the purpose of this thread, please know that if someone chooses to post a denegrating, brow beating comment, I wil excercise the delete button on that post. In this group as a whole, I need to walk the line of allowing the voices. Believe it or not, there is healing on being able to stand up here for things that were so hard to stand up for in life. But, not on this thread. I understand that need of a place of caring that you can trust to be caring.

My daughter and her husband moved away in the past few days. She is 7 months pregnant and was given the right to keep from carrying large things and to rest as often as she needed to. Okay, big deal, you might say. But for me, it was a time that brought back memories of the years my children were on the way and how different the life had been in the home I had shared back then. I am only thankful that I have a friend out here that allowed me to deal honestly with the grief that revisited me as the very different treatment I had had reared its ugly head into my memories.

I will have to share a poem that helps me when I have more time to just sit and write. It speaks of going back, of remembering, not to dwell and get trapped in the past, but so that you can walk through the memories to the road out of them. When I tried to ignore my memories, the tension grew. When I was allowed to weep for the loss that cannot be changed, healing could go forward.

There is a need for a place to mourn.
 
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FaithNGod is offline FaithNGod Post #8  August 2,2009, 11:49am
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Please allow me to minister to you concerning this issue.

but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: 22Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: 24Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

Did Jesus bring the abuse upon Himself? No he didnt and I am sure that you didn't bring your abuse upon your self either!

You are in good company when it comes to this. Jesus knows exactly what you feel and probally 100 times greater. Because he was rejected by His father also.

I know your feelings are really big with this. But the only way to release these feelings is to focus on something else. Or someone else.

If you continue to focus on your self or even the abuser you will never find freedom. Rather focus on identifying with the sufferings of Christ.

More personally that He endured His abuse because He loved you so much. Think on that word (So) It is a insignificant word according to our language but when adjoined to Gods Love It speakes eternal volumes of Love toward you.

He has valued you and made you a vessle of honor. What love compares.

God so loved you that He endured abuse for you and me. Meditate on that for awile and let His love fill your heart.
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #9  August 2,2009, 7:03pm
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I am so thankful for those who have chosen to share their hurts, angers and confusions from the past. You help me to walk through it when old memories crop up and need a moment to be remembered so that they can be released.

A pattern that always helps me in times like this weekend is the laments in the Psalms. It is an actually pattern used purposefully. There are 4 parts:

1. Telling God what is bothering you in down and gritty terms. Check it out. The Psalmists express some really dissatisfaction with the way God chose to do things at times.

2. Hear what you have said and ask yourself what it is you are wanting from God, then ask it as many times as it takes over as many years as it takes just be straightforward with God.

3. Think of the things that give you reason for asking God. It may be stories from the past, experiences of your own, songs, scriptures -- the point is to open your heart to seek the reasons you choose to take it to God.

4. It ends with praise, not always at that moment but somewhere in time.

My story is a story that spanned some decades but for all the moments that I felt hopeless there were also whispers and even shouts of hope that couldn't be denied.

I am at peace with my life now even though there will always be some grief that will creep up from the past. I have found a church where I feel welcomed and valued for the gifts I can give within that fellowship and where I am beginning to find my place within the community. It takes time, it takes faith, and it takes honesty.

I learned to see grief as a messenger of God worth listening to because my heart was able to seek God there. Don't let anyone tell you to whitewash your pain with religiousity. God wants the honest heart. That is the only kind that will be open enough for him to truly heal.
 
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Kathy11 is offline Kathy11 Post #10  August 3,2009, 9:01pm
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a very much needed thread to be a part of. My husband was my pastor and because he won't get help from having two adulterous affairs, and recently simply got just a slap on the wrist and 1 month suspension from the pulpit from the bishop, I am forced to divorce.
I am hurting. His apathy towards me was since mid Feb. That's when the affair started i found out.
The abuse, abandonment, neglect(recovering from a neck injury), then finally the physical abuse when confronted, left me so broken.

How do I reconcile my life? Especially when the church body is kept in the dark by both he, and the hierachy of the church?
I am writing a book on this. I want to act out my healing. Not react to the sin around me. I want to HEAL too!
 
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