Are Christians less open to casual dating?


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Deb55 is offline Deb55 Post #1  April 28,2009, 7:05pm
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Sorry if this particular subject has already been hashed over; I'm fairly new to the group!


I'm currently reading an interesting book about Christian dating. The author emphasizes that dating should be an end to itself (at least at first)- it should be fun and without expectations. He gives a lot of advice about being more open to talking to the opposite sex and just generally showing you're available and comfortable.


I've found a lot of the Christian guys I've been meeting are pretty wary though. They'll come up and talk about the latest episode of The Office, or I'll ask about their job, but they stop just short of asking me out for coffee.


I'm not sure what to do about this...maybe we're both just too shy to put ourselves out there? I think that's what the author's point is though- we should put ourselves out there because it's only dating.


Anyway, I know this is completely convoluted, but I was wondering what your thoughts are! The book is How to Get A Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud.
 
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p5cents is offline p5cents Post #2  April 29,2009, 7:00pm
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I totally agree with what Cloud said. And I, too, have had similar experiences with women.


I don't know if it is Christians or society, but people seem to think that asking for or accepting a date is like a mini-marriage proposal: "I want to go out with you because I already think I want to marry you." And the converse is certainly true: "I already am pretty sure I wouldn't want to marry you, so I don't want to go with you."


I think people get so caught up on exclusive girlfriend/boyfriend relationship after even the first date that they probably miss someone much better while they are tied up with one person.


Dating isn't marriage! You don't have to see just one person at a time! (At least not for a while.)


I sometimes think that Christians get lost in the false belief that God has "one" person for them. Then they think that if they are interested in someone, that must be the "one". So, if they like someone, they stick exclusively to them until they find some reason to break up. So they often end up with "ok" instead of "wonderful". I've seen people marry Mr. or Ms. "ok" because they dove into "going steady" without meeting others and never found a reason to break up. They can make the marriage work, but it is not the best they could have had.
 
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AngelicAdvice is offline AngelicAdvice Post #3  April 29,2009, 8:59pm
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Deb55, wrote :

Sorry if this particular subject has already been hashed over; I'm fairly new to the group!


I'm currently reading an interesting book about Christian dating. The author emphasizes that dating should be an end to itself (at least at first)- it should be fun and without expectations. He gives a lot of advice about being more open to talking to the opposite sex and just generally showing you're available and comfortable.


I've found a lot of the Christian guys I've been meeting are pretty wary though. They'll come up and talk about the latest episode of The Office, or I'll ask about their job, but they stop just short of asking me out for coffee.


I'm not sure what to do about this...maybe we're both just too shy to put ourselves out there? I think that's what the author's point is though- we should put ourselves out there because it's only dating.


Anyway, I know this is completely convoluted, but I was wondering what your thoughts are! The book is How to Get A Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Hey Deb,


I have read How to Keep A Date worth keeping as well. It is a good book. Matter of fact I have read several Christian singles books. Another good one to help with conversation is The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. This is another good book and tells you the love language you speak. It is quite interesting.


I honestly think a lot of christians are taking the Joshua Harris approach of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Therefore, they feel dating is taboo and wrong. However, I think going out on a date or two with someone is not all that bad. I do think you will know where it is going after date two. I think worthless dating is just what it is worthless. I think if a guy does not want to ask you out for coffee alone to plan a game night with friends and people from the church so he can get to know you in that setting. I do feel though a lot of guys may just be shy and do not want to be aggressive in approaching the female and asking them out to coffee.


I do think if dating should be fun, then bring along other to have fun with. I mean think about it, when you date you put on your best (both the male and female). Make it an odd number date like 5 or 7 and it because fun and a way to get to know each other!


~*~Angelic~*~ Just Me...My Opinion...Stated As Fact
 
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ActionSoftGuy is offline ActionSoftGuy Post #4  April 29,2009, 11:17pm
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Haha, I knew exactly what book you were talking about even before reading the title. I read over half of it last year. While I felt he was extremely repetitive in his writing style, and didn't list any support in scripture for his views, I still felt pretty on-board with what he had to say.


I'm not so sure now... I'm re-thinking it all. But, I totally agree with what you wrote, p5cents...


I think the distinction I would make is *dating* versus *starting a relationship*. I think in general Christians should be more open to going on dates with each other, rather than thinking of them as mini-marriage proposals as p5cents said. :-) THAT being said, I think that starting a formal reiationship is something that should rightfully be approached with much prayer, and *not* done casually. And I think that we as brothers and sisters in Christ ought to protect each other.


I've actually been reading Joshua Harris' 2nd book ("Boy Meets Girl") -- something I've avoided for some time since I'm rather anti-Courtship. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that everything I've read so far I wholeheartedly agree with. He's not proposing legalistic measures, but rather practical principles that I believe are very wise. For instance, don't start a relationship unless it at least has the *possibility* of leading to marriage. (i.e. don't date when you're 16 years old... what are you aiming for?) While in the relationship, protect the other person by not doing or saying anything you aren't sure you mean. (i.e. don't say "I love you" or do things that "say it without saying it" until you're close to the point where you know you want to marry them.) To me, everything I've read so far has been surprisingly good advice, not what I was expecting.


Funny thing is, everything I've read so far doesn't really conflict with Cloud's book. Joshua Harris has principles for starting a relationship (formal), while Cloud has principles for being willing to put yourself out there to get to know people (not formal).


Excellent post,p5cents... totally agree. (Although I'll admit I'm one of those who's never been able to date more than one person at once... it just feels weird to me. But I agree with the idea of it being okay.)
 
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J_Aeon is offline J_Aeon Post #5  May 17,2009, 12:48am
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I've read all the Joshua Harris Books and I believe that the two dates thing is right on the money. First date usually everyone is wearing a costume so to speak and on the second they've removed the mask to show you somewhat who they are and what they're up to.
But really, Why "Date" if you're looking for a mate that's an issue for courtship towards the purpose of marriage.
I don't really remember too many of the Bible men asking the Bible women to go to the local Market or Arcade with them (Arcade back then has a completely different meaning than Arcade now)
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #6  May 18,2009, 8:12am
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I definitely casual date and enjoy the process.... Maybe it is the age thing or having made enough mistakes in the past but I am enjoying the process, being myself, and choosing not to let it go into the physical just because I want to keep it casual and perserve my right to enjoy the company of others. Glad you are finding some good books to read on th subject.
Last edited by coeuri; May 18,2009 at 8:13am. Reason: spelling angst
 
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Deb55 is offline Deb55 Post #7  May 25,2009, 4:28pm
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Thanks for the great replies!
ASG, I tried reading Boy Meets Girl in high school, but didn't quite understand it. I know exactly where it is, gathering dust on the back of my bookshelf. I'll give it another shot.
I suppose I'm just frustrated with getting to be friends with some wonderful Christian guys, but not understanding how to encourage them to take the next step and go out on a date. I'm still a but too uncertain of my own attractiveness to go out on a limb and ask them myself!
Thanks again for the feedback!
 
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Trikster is offline Trikster Post #8  May 27,2009, 1:03am
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Deb55 wrote :
Thanks for the great replies!
ASG, I tried reading Boy Meets Girl in high school, but didn't quite understand it. I know exactly where it is, gathering dust on the back of my bookshelf. I'll give it another shot.
I suppose I'm just frustrated with getting to be friends with some wonderful Christian guys, but not understanding how to encourage them to take the next step and go out on a date. I'm still a but too uncertain of my own attractiveness to go out on a limb and ask them myself!
Thanks again for the feedback!
I think the relative inexperience of these guys is probably preventing them from asking you out. Not that long ago, I saw a very nice looking lady at a grocery store. I was shopping with my girls and they were being very cute and she commented on it. We talked for a minute or so and I asked her out. Turns out she was much younger than me (sure didn't look it, thought her in her early 30's, she was in fact 23) but she said she was quite flattered by my asking, which is why she said yes. In the course of our coffee, she had mentioned that guy's her age were exactly as you are describing. I am guessing that as I age, some of the things that would have held me back when I was younger and less sure of myself, are no longer an issue.

Food for thought? Life is too short...if you are liking a guy, he isn't taking the initiative in asking you out, take a chance, ask him out. What is the worst that can happen? He says no. Who knows, he might say yes.
 
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coeuri is offline coeuri Post #9  May 27,2009, 7:06am
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Each of us have to just be honest with who we are instead of worrying all the time about rejection. One of the positives of the dating and gathering with other singles in the past months is that I have become more comfortable in my own skin. By that, I mean, I have become more confident in myself as I have found just being myself enough to encourage conversations. I really didn't know that. I kept thinking about how I looked my age and all the guys seemed to be interested in people younger etc. But when I let go of all my preconceptions and just let myself have fun, there were several people interested in getting to know me including guys older AND younger then me by just enough years that I felt okay about it. I have actually begun seeing one of the guys a bit more often but don't know exactly where it will lead, just that I am enjoying the time with someone who likes the same type of activities I like. Just some experience to go into the discussion.
 
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Deb55 is offline Deb55 Post #10  May 31,2009, 5:35pm
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Well, I started Boy Meets Girl again, and honestly found it a bit depressing ;P I think it'd be a terrific book if you were about to court/date someone though. Right now, I'm at the very beginning where I need the encouragement to simply walk up to someone I find attractive and strike up a conversation. I'm getting better at it, but it's still hard.

Yes, I agree about having the guts to go ahead and ask the guy out myself. However, I'm very new at my church (just joined about a month ago) and am only starting to connect, make friends, and hang out with them outside of Sunday morning. I'm encouraged by your story though Trikster!
 
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