Friendship: When to advise and when to let go.


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Songbird25 is offline Songbird25 Post #1  September 22,2008, 7:36am
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is sick of all the effort for nothing in return!

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Alright so hear is the deal. My roommate from school and good friend is engaged and planning on getting married in 6 months. She is a christian and he sadly is not. She knows how I feel about this issue as we have talked about it on MANY MANY MANYoccasions. I just found out yesterday from one of our close friends that her relationship with her fiancee has taken a negative turn. Already within the last two months he has cheated on her and if the woman never came forward my friend would have never known. To add to this he hangs out with his friends all the time and she is never allowed to go out with them because they are his friends. Yet whenever we have gotten together with her he has always been there with us all he is ALWAYS there. To top it all off our mutual friend told me that when she was over to her house our friend told her that she pretty much has to do everything for him and if she doesn't he gets angry and yells at her.


Another part of the story is, when we were roommates she was seeing a guy who was very dominating and verbally abusive. When they broke up I pretty much kept watch over her on a regular bases. I answered all the phone calls to our room, she would walk to breakfast, lunch, dinner, class and chapel with me. I basically saw her through that relationship till the bitter end.


Now hearing about her fiancee'sbehaviorit reminds me so much of her past relationship and it breaks my heart. My question is, as he friend and knowing her history and our history together should I in anyway intervene? Keeping in mind she hasn't told me any of this herself either. Any advice I would appreciate.
 
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strawberry123 is offline strawberry123 Post #2  September 22,2008, 10:31am
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LOVE IS BLIND....


Above all pray about it. Ask the Lord to give wisdom to thosespeaking with her and to open her eyes so she will see the truth in the situation, not just what others are saying. If possible sit down with her and ask her how she and her mate are doing? Lether do the talking to see what she really knows. Is she aware of all of this or not? And thenlet her know you are concerned for her and just have her best interests in mind.


Don't lecture her but ask her questions that will make her think about her circumstances?
In the very end it is her decision, she has to make that choice - you cannot make it for her. And unfortunately she may have to learn the hard way.


I think the biggest piece of advice I would have for you is to pray, pray, pray for her!! I have had friends in the same situation and there is nothing you can say to change their mind...however, now when they see me they tell me to wait to get married and to be careful so I know they must have learned something.


Just remember you cannot "fix" your friends that is the Lord's job...but do be honest with them about it even if they don't listen to you. They will not appreciate it now but looking back one day they will.
 
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j2 is offline j2 Post #3  September 22,2008, 4:15pm
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is pure grade A eeeeeevil... bwahahahahahahahah!

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i'm a guy. to me not telling my friend would be to actively harm my friend, that is unacceptable. but then i'm not you. as far as how to tell your friend? it differs form person to person.
 
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renewedguy is offline renewedguy Post #4  September 23,2008, 10:26am
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As a guy, I would say that you should help her break her relationship with her "fiance". It can be very easy to get involved with someone who is physically attractive but has an ugly heart. I agree with strawberry123's advice - to let God do the work in her life, not you. God however, can use people to help others see things differently and to be their prayer partners. I want to share something with you - something which illustrates how God/Jesus uses friendships to work in the lives of others. Although one of the women I met overseas is now married, we still consider each other as close friends and spiritual siblings and still keep in contact. When I had shared with my "sister" three years ago of looking for love in the wrong place, my "sister" begged me not to get involved. When she saw that I was not giving up in my search in the wrong place, she not only persistently prayed for me to stop, but also told her husband about it and asked for his opinion. At that time, I felt a presence when I hesitated to reply back to the women in prison who responded to my personal ad. When she told me that she had prayed for me to stop and what her husband said, that stopped me cold - literally like a knife stab in my heart. Her husband relayed to her to tell me that any relationship with a woman in prison could be my last. He also went on and said that he would rather live alone than to have a woman bring more problems into his home. My spiritual sister told me about how one boy in her youth group broke into the pastor's house and stole some of his possessions after the boy spent time in prison. If God had not communicated to me through my spiritual sister and brother, I would have been dead or at the very least spiritually and mentally stopped. My "sister" and her husband still care about me and in fact her husband asks her almost every day if she received news from me. This man by the way, is the sameman who was previously not a born-again Christian. When I learned about all of theunhealthy behavior he showed towards her before they got married and how scared she was, I prayed for the Lord to intervene and help her. Within a week, my prayer was answered. The Lord created a situation in which my spiritual sister had to go home. This gave her fiance now husband a chance to become a Christian a year before they got married. Since that time, I've beenhearing nothing but good thingsabout her husband.I look forward to the day when I will meet her husband and thank him for stopping me from getting into something that isn't God's will for my life.
 
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Songbird25 is offline Songbird25 Post #5  September 23,2008, 10:37am
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Thanks guys! My friend called me today and we will be getting together this weeken, just her and I for a night. I've really been praying since posting my message on here and she called me today and wanted to get together to talk. We decided on Saturday evening! I'll keep in mind what you all have said. thanks a million!
 
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SWEETSAN is offline SWEETSAN Post #6  September 23,2008, 3:25pm
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Songbird25, wrote :

Alright so hear is the deal. My roommate from school and good friend is engaged and planning on getting married in 6 months. She is a christian and he sadly is not. She knows how I feel about this issue as we have talked about it on MANY MANY MANYoccasions. I just found out yesterday from one of our close friends that her relationship with her fiancee has taken a negative turn. Already within the last two months he has cheated on her and if the woman never came forward my friend would have never known. To add to this he hangs out with his friends all the time and she is never allowed to go out with them because they are his friends. Yet whenever we have gotten together with her he has always been there with us all he is ALWAYS there. To top it all off our mutual friend told me that when she was over to her house our friend told her that she pretty much has to do everything for him and if she doesn't he gets angry and yells at her.


Another part of the story is, when we were roommates she was seeing a guy who was very dominating and verbally abusive. When they broke up I pretty much kept watch over her on a regular bases. I answered all the phone calls to our room, she would walk to breakfast, lunch, dinner, class and chapel with me. I basically saw her through that relationship till the bitter end.


Now hearing about her fiancee'sbehaviorit reminds me so much of her past relationship and it breaks my heart. My question is, as he friend and knowing her history and our history together should I in anyway intervene? Keeping in mind she hasn't told me any of this herself either. Any advice I would appreciate.
1ST OF ALL I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR FRIEND AND THE PERSON SHE WILL CONSIDER TO BE HER PARTNER FOR LIFE. READING THE INFORMATION YOU POSTED, I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU JUST KEEP SHOWING YOUR FRIEND LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. A TRUE FRIEND WILL SHARE HER OPINION BUT ALSO RESPECT THE OTHERS. IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR FRIEND HAS A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AND WILL NEED TO SEEK GOD FOR COMPLETE HEALING. I HOPE THINGS WORK OUT.





SWEETSAN
 
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JasonX43 is offline JasonX43 Post #7  September 24,2008, 2:00am
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Songbird25, wrote :

Alright so hear is the deal. My roommate from school and good friend is engaged and planning on getting married in 6 months. She is a christian and he sadly is not. She knows how I feel about this issue as we have talked about it on MANY MANY MANYoccasions. I just found out yesterday from one of our close friends that her relationship with her fiancee has taken a negative turn. Already within the last two months he has cheated on her and if the woman never came forward my friend would have never known. To add to this he hangs out with his friends all the time and she is never allowed to go out with them because they are his friends. Yet whenever we have gotten together with her he has always been there with us all he is ALWAYS there. To top it all off our mutual friend told me that when she was over to her house our friend told her that she pretty much has to do everything for him and if she doesn't he gets angry and yells at her.


Another part of the story is, when we were roommates she was seeing a guy who was very dominating and verbally abusive. When they broke up I pretty much kept watch over her on a regular bases. I answered all the phone calls to our room, she would walk to breakfast, lunch, dinner, class and chapel with me. I basically saw her through that relationship till the bitter end.


Now hearing about her fiancee'sbehaviorit reminds me so much of her past relationship and it breaks my heart. My question is, as he friend and knowing her history and our history together should I in anyway intervene? Keeping in mind she hasn't told me any of this herself either. Any advice I would appreciate.
I copied this from another thread called UNEQUALLY YOKED:








II Corinthians 6:14
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with the, inconsistent with your faith). For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness? (AMP)



To get a clear picture of what this passage means we must understand what an unbeliever is. One definition of unbeliever would be someone who does not believe in God; they believe there is a God but they don’t believe in Him; they won’t give their life to Him; they don’t trust in, adhere to, and rely on Him; they have not made God the lord of their life.


It may surprise us to know we have people like this in the church. People who are consistent in attendance and tithe bringing and offering giving and always ready to lend a helping hand, but their hearts are far from God. They still operate in the natural realm, being led by the flesh and not the Spirit,


Romans 8:1. This is an unbelieving believer.


Another definition of an unbeliever would be; someone who does not even believe there is a God or someone who knows there is a God but refuses to acknowledge Him or His ways.





II Corinthians 6:15
What harmony can there be between Christ and Belial (the devil)? Or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?



We need to understand that as a believer we are the temple of Christ. If we date an unbeliever we, the temple of Christ, are dating the temple of satan – which is full of idolatry. As a believer Jesus is our best friend. Why would we want to date someone who doesn’t want anything to do with our best friend?





II Corinthians 6:16
What agreement (can there be between) a temple; of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God; even as God said, I will dwell in and with and among them and will walk in an with and among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.



God and satan cannot come into agreement with each other. If we date an unbeliever we cannot come into agreement with them unless we compromise. It is absolutely impossible to date an unbeliever and not come under their influence. You may think you are holding your own but before you know it your cooked. A frog will jump out of a pot of boiling water but if you put him in the pot while the water temperature is still comfortable he will remain in the pot slowly cooking and never even know he’s dying.





II Corinthians 6:17
So, come out from among (unbelievers). And separate (sever) yourselves from them, says the Lord, and touch not (any) unclean thing: then I will receive you kindly and treat you with favor.



How can we justify dating an unbeliever after reading this scripture? If we are dating an unbeliever we are walking in disobedience to the Word of God. When we are walking in disobedience we stop up our anointing flow. We are no longer effective as a minister (witness).





II Corinthians 6:18
And I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.


II Timothy 2:21
So whoever cleanses himself (from what is ignoble and unclean, who separates himself from contact, with contaminating and corrupting influences) will (then himself) be a vessel set apart and useful for honorable and noble purposes, consecrated and profitable to the Master, fit and ready for any good work.



Before we can be effective as a minister (witness) we must be set apart from evil influences. Any life style that does not line up with the Word of God is an evil influence. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” is a command not a suggestion or caution. It’s instruction on how to live a life separated from the world. When choosing a mate we must be careful to look for someone who can relate to us as a believer, someone likeminded, someone on the same level of us spirituality or same place of spiritual maturity.





II Timothy 3:16-17
Every Scripture is God-breathed (given by His inspiration) and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, (and) for training in righteousness (in holy living, in conformity to God’s will in thought, purpose and action).
So that the man of God may be complete and proficient, well fitted and thoroughly equipped for every good work.


Amos 3:3
How can two walk together except they are agreed?



We must be led by God when choosing a mate. We must not even date someone unless he or she is a candidate for a life mate. If you are dating someone, you know you will not marry, you are dating someone else’s spouse. I believe this is too close to the sin of adultery. Why would I want to date someone that I know will marry someone else?


According to these scriptures dating an unbeliever is wrong, it’s against God and it’s a dead end road.


WE MUST BE LED BY THE SPIRIT!





If she's truly a Christian, confront her with The Word of God. This BOY isn't the man she needs in her life.
 
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Songbird25 is offline Songbird25 Post #8  September 24,2008, 4:29am
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is sick of all the effort for nothing in return!

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That's some great stuff there, Thanks JasonX43!
 
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Viva1973 is offline Viva1973 Post #9  September 24,2008, 2:19pm
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You are a great friend if you warn her straight up. My best friend and I have a "pact" that we will watch out for each other. If one of us is "falling" for someone, the other has the duty to tell us if they see warning signs or just outright reasons (such as you mention) thatthe relationshipis not good. We all need friends that love uslike this. Just speak from your heart of love for her and she will hear the heart of God.
 
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Songbird25 is offline Songbird25 Post #10  September 25,2008, 4:34am
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Viva1973,270743 wrote :

You are a great friend if you warn her straight up. My best friend and I have a "pact" that we will watch out for each other. If one of us is "falling" for someone, the other has the duty to tell us if they see warning signs or just outright reasons (such as you mention) thatthe relationshipis not good. We all need friends that love uslike this. Just speak from your heart of love for her and she will hear the heart of God.
My only concern is at this point she doesn't know that I know the details as to what is going on. My only conclusion for this is simply because she knows where she is headed is the wrong road to take and she knows full well that I will tell her this if she were to open up to me about the things that are going on. So I've decided to open with the "how is everything going" question. I want her to tell me what is going on, mostly because I don't want her to feel as though our mutual friend betrayed her trust. So we shall see how everything goes in two days!
 
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