Wish4Eden is offline Wish4Eden Post #1  September 15,2008, 5:41am
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Let's call this a plea for decency. If you're newly widowed, please give yourself some time to grieve, heal and be sure you're ready to move on before you get involved with someone. I've already encountered one man (Tom from Tallahassee, FL) on here who was deliberately vague about when his wife died. Turned out his wife of 10 years had died only 3 months before and he had already dated a couple other women prior to meeting me, but had (in his words) not hit it off with anyone till me. As soon as I knew he was a widower, I did alot of on-line reading about what special considerations there would be in a relationship with a widower. I was very open with him about his late wife and tried to be as supportive and understanding as I could be. I was respectful of his relationship with her and acknowledged that she would always be a part of who he had become. When I visited his home and saw photos of her all over the house, I was shocked at how similar we looked and that he had never mentioned that fact. It was also disconcerting that he had her ashes in a cardboard box on his dresser, despite the fact that she had a specific request (or that's what he told me) for her ashes to be spread with her Mother's ashes in a garden at her sister's house, which I don't think he's ever done. However, what I hadn't anticipated was that this guy played me as his new lease on love and healing for 4 months, then suddenly retreated. Naive me assumed it was him withdrawing because he felt he was getting too close. Turns out he was pursuing other matches. After 3 months, not knowing that he was hooking up elsewhere, he comes back to me and says that after talking to his "Momma" he realizes how special what we had was, said he had really loved me but was afraid of feeling unfaithful to his late wife and afraid of losing someone else. Those were things I could understand, but the truth was he had seen someone else for a while and so he comes back to "patch things up" with me. I'm my always honest self with him and tell him I can't be with him if he's going to run away every time there's some tough day ( her birthday, their anniversary, holidays, etc. ) and he assures me that he understands it's better to talk about it. I also tell him I can't be with him unless I'm the only one he's intimate with. His words were "I promise you...no....I guarantee you that I won't be intimate with but you". In just the 2 weeks since he spoke those words to me as he looked me in the eye, he's updated his profile not once, but twice here on E-Harmony and portrays himself as honest, caring with a big heart, loyal, faithful and looking to "build a relationship with someone I can trust and love", when the truth is that he isn't any of those things and isn't ready for any sort of a real relationship. What could possibly be going through the mind of someone who considers falling in love a dishonor to his late wife, but having intimate relationships with a string of women right after she passes away and being cruelly dishonest with those women and acts like that's a tribute to his late wife? Shame on anyone who plays and preys on people like that. Here's a word to the people out there considering dating a widow/widower.....be careful and made sure you talk with those people about their grief and healing and especially their readiness to love again.

Stabbed in the heart in Summerfield, FL
 
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genuineBob is offline genuineBob Post #2  November 17,2008, 5:38pm
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You make an important point. Whenever a relationship ends, there needs to be some period for those involved to regain their balance. Widowers (such as myself) included. While everyone stabilizes in their own time, it is important to hold back from romantic relationships until one is truly ready. I can understand the emptiness that may have pushed Tom to look for a new companion prematurely. I am also not surprised by his emotional confusion at times during your relationship with him. You are right to ask others (whether they be widowers, widows, or otherwise separated) to try to be self-aware and honest with themselves about dating. Unfortunately, some people may have yet to learn about themselves.
 
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genuineBob is offline genuineBob Post #3  November 24,2008, 12:35pm
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One final thought... it is such a shame that this man didn't appreciate the extraordinary effort you put into finding out what his special emotional needs might be... I can only hope to be as fortunate with my matches.
 
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duser123f is offline duser123f Post #4  December 6,2008, 7:40pm

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I can really relate to your issues. However, in my experience the person I was matched with seemed to be more interested in finding someone a lot thinner than his recently departed spouse. I should have been smarter sooner than later it seems. We were matched in late September or early October. His wife, he related, had passed away in April. I thought it was too soon, but I communicated with him thinking it might help him to heal just by talking about their life and what he expected in a new life. Well, I finally got suspicious and googled his name. Low and behold, his wifeis very much alive. I'm not sure if it was wishful thinking on his part or just downright sneakiness, but needless to say, our communications came to a screeching halt!!!I guess the moral of this story is to be very careful and just as suspicious as need be. Not everyone plays fair it seems! I guess I'm not as wise as I thought. lol
 
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