justwonderin is offline justwonderin Post #1  September 26,2009, 7:09am
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I am very new at this on line match making thing. I am trying to take it slow, but I need some advice. I am going to admit somethings that I would not own up to if we were chatting across the table. I have been married four times and I'm in my mid fifties. I have been in love one time. The other marriages were very brief. I don't have any trouble being pursued. I have trouble not saying "I do" to a guy that I convince myself is a good choice despite the fact that I make a dozen excuses for all the red flags. (1) I was married to the love of my life for twenty years. Unfortunately, he was a cheater and I could not in good conscious raise my daughters in that marriage. I am convinced that I will never love like that again. So I settle. To make the long story short: (2) I married one man that had similar interests in art and music, unfortunately we also had the same sex interest. He was gay and I was his cover for his family. (3) I married a man who was plain. All my other love interests were attractive. I thought if he was a decent guy and not too good looking, he might be a safe bet. Nah, he was so insecure that he beat me up when he was angry at himself. (4) The last marriage was to a man whose family I adored. His daughters were wonderful and will remain my friends forever. We shared the same religious affliation and he was convincing that he loved me. I knew he was loud, boorish and had this penchant for always being right. His daughters kept telling me that he was a nicer person with me. Well, his niceness was shortlived. He owned a business and was rude to everyone that purchased from him. He was smarter than everyone. I couldn't take the attitude for his customers, drivers, store clerks, waitresses, etc.

So - I'm going to try this in hopes of getting to know the person before I start seeing them. But how do I keep from settling because I never think I'll find the kind of love that I had long ago?
 
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pgh52 is offline pgh52 Post #2  September 26,2009, 4:00pm
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Sorry, but I cannot help with your original question. I don't think you are settling for a man, your problem wuld appear to be you cannot stand being alone. Learn to live with yourself and then comeback. As a man, I could not marry on the grounds of religious affiliation, I like their Kids, or you are in my church. These are just not valid reasons to get married. Have a soul-search and see what you really want.
 
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justwonderin is offline justwonderin Post #3  September 27,2009, 2:28am
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Thank you for your response. Yeah, I realize (now) that these were weak reasons for getting married. The puzzle piece I'm struggling with is why I couldn't see it then because I don't want to make the same mistake again, either by marriage or dating the wrong person. Actually I am very comfortable with myself both emotionally and financially. My friends tell me that this is the quirky part they don't get either. When we discuss my history at some point in the conversation every one of them will eventually say something like, "You are so smart in other areas, so why did you marry him or them?" I don't mind being alone because I have plenty to occupy my time but I still want the "love" relationship. I guess I'm going to have to see a therapist if I really want to know. I just hate to rehash the last 35 years to get there. I was hoping someone else might have this same character flaw and give me a clue. Again, thanks for your thoughts!
 
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camben is offline camben Post #4  September 27,2009, 7:59am
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Bad choices should be my middle name, but our problems may be different. After "diagnosing" a good friend as having a savior complex, a opened my eyes and realized that was my problem as well. Twice I've married to men who I felt "needed" me, I could save them from themselves. Never a thought to what I needed or deserved, neither of them for sure!!! Just joined EH, and have already caught myself doing it again. Guess there are lots of forms of "settling". Let's have faith that our behaviors can be unlearned..
 
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mspolo is offline mspolo Post #5  September 27,2009, 11:16am
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I have to agree with pgh52, that perhaps you don't like being alone. Maybe you feel you need a man to be complete. I don't mean to be hurtful when I say this; if anything I feel sympathetic. There are some women who feel incomplete unless they have a man in their lives, no matter how bad that man is. This kind of behavior is pretty self-destructive. If you don't know why you continue to choose men who hurt you, it might be helpful to see a therapist. Something this deep-seated probably can't be solved on a discussion board. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
 
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Breathless is offline Breathless Post #6  September 27,2009, 5:37pm
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I have to say, I agree with perhaps deep inside you don't want to be alone, or are afraid to be alone. I went through the same thing with my marriage. I settled for someone who was not right for me, and I knew it from the start, but didn't want to grow old alone. I found out there is nothing wrong with being alone. After a few years of getting to know myself, I feel happier than I have ever felt, and enjoy everyday of my life to the fullest, but I had to get to know myself and love myself first. I hope you can get to that point. I believe when you do, that special someone will find you.
 
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SassySue is offline SassySue Post #7  September 29,2009, 8:10pm
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I found the love of my life at 50. Of course he was the love of my life at 17 too. We were just so in love. He was married. I am now 52. We talk via email but I don't want to continue doing this. I can't be his friend out of the goodness of my heart. He stomped all over it. What did I expect? He was married BUT if I can feel that love with him then I can feel that kind of love with someone who is legitmate and that's what I'm shooting for. Don't settle. Don't jump in to anything with anyone. You were victimized twice by husbands - check into that before you wind up with one that does some serious damage. Eharmony men are just men. I wish you all the best in your search for love but be a little wary next time.
 
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FLA123 is offline FLA123 Post #8  November 22,2009, 12:01pm
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I think that life is about taking risks and you were taking the risk with your marriages looking for happiness. Nobody knows the future and we cannot know everything about everybody when we marry them. Experience makes us wiser. Keep looking and never give up.
 
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