Does being divorced make you feel like a failure?


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Leo_V is offline Leo_V Post #21  October 24,2009, 7:47pm
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Mountaintrker wrote :
The answer for me is "yes" I do feel like a failed. My marriage didn't end for easy reasons like infidelity or whatever. Just the more slow and painful growing apart as people get older. I never realized that my ex didn't "get" me. Those last bitter discussions indicated to me that I had been married to someone for 15 years who didn't really know who I was at all. So, I feel like a failure because I couldn't turn myself into the person my ex seemed to need. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone who loses such a long term relationship (for me 15 marriage + 4-5 as partner before that) could come away without feeling like they had screwed up. It should have been forever.

. I've dabbled in internet dating now that I am divorced by trying to make my profiles really reflect who I think I am. So far it hasn't led to any great matches or "success" (not sure how to define that!), but I'd hate to so mislead someone again. I am an active person who is happiest when "doing" not sitting around "waiting" while my partner is out doing his thing. I'm never going to be someone cheering from the sidelines - I want to be in the thick of it all myself. From my divorce story I've learned most of all that relationships work best when the two people involved accept each other for who they are not who they think their partner should be. Maybe that's crux of the failure of mine.
OK, I can really relate to this. The growing apart, the inability to stay meaningfully connected. I do view the whole thing a little differently though. Here's my take. I hope it helps.

This was not a failure. It was a necessity. I think you really hit on the crux of it - acceptance. Maybe you and your ex had that at one point and lost it, or maybe you just thought you did and the disconnect revealed itself over time. Regardless, honesty with yourself, and about yourself, is the way to go. You will never be happy otherwise.

Reentering life as a single person is an adjustment. It isn't a competition. Success is not determined by how many "suitors" you collect. It is determined by how happy you are, with your life, with the people you interact with, and yes in the end who you choose as a mate. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

While you are running, look at the world around you and maybe even stop and smell some roses.

I hope you weren't offended by the unsolicited advice. Like I said, your post "spoke" to me.
 
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NWBRUCE is offline NWBRUCE Post #22  November 21,2009, 7:19am
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I think that if you put 110% into anything (especially a relationship) and it doesnt work, you may feel like you failed but not a failure there is a difference
 
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Mountaintrker is offline Mountaintrker Post #23  November 29,2009, 10:39am
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Thanks for your input! I'm not offended at all (that's the point of this discussion). I do look at the world around me all the time (I'm a world-class rose sniffer!), by the way, and wonder how I got where I am today. But by success I did not mean the number of suitors (I've gotten those) just no one that I feel I can relate to - at all. I'm just not convinced that the Internet is a good way to meet people, but since I am divorced maybe the "real time" way doesn't work either. (Not that my marriage was a shining example of a domestic dream!). I don't know. In the end of all ends, I didn't know who I was when I first got married, but I think I have a much better understanding of that now. More than anything I want to be me and be with someone who wants to be with me just the way I am if that's possible, not someone who really wants to be with someone else. If that never happens, however, I will accept it and continue to do the things I love to do. What I love to do, hear and see and can hold in my hand is what's real to me. The rest is shadows.
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #24  December 9,2009, 11:25am

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OP, that's a charged question because men and women experience different things going thru a divorce. And society treats us differenty.

Example-men go thru a Community Divorce where the ex can lie to all the neighborhood women. Suddenly no one wants to talk to the husband. Any man that dares defy his wife gets into trouble.

Socially men going thru a divorce are treated like they have a disease that others can catch.

I've seen married men run away from a guy going thru a divorce. It's an unspoken rule "Oh shoot, I don't want to catch what he has."

Some married men can act very smug to the guy going thru a divorce. Then the married guy has to spend all his $ in court just to enforce his right to see his children.

Online the women vent and are treated as heros. When a guy vents, he is told not to complain, don't whine, grow a pair, or that he is lying. His feelings are invalidated which causes more emotional pain on his part and can lead to suicide.

You won't hear much truth online. Go ask a few divorced men. Good luck.
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #25  December 9,2009, 11:25am

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duplicate-------------
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #26  December 9,2009, 11:26am

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OP, that's a charged question because men and women experience different things going thru a divorce. And society treats us differenty.

Example-men go thru a Community Divorce where the ex can lie to all the neighborhood women. Suddenly no one wants to talk to the husband. Any man that dares defy his wife gets into trouble.

Socially men going thru a divorce are treated like they have a disease that others can catch.

I've seen married men run away from a guy going thru a divorce. It's an unspoken rule "Oh shoot, I don't want to catch what he has."

Some married men can act very smug to the guy going thru a divorce. Then the married guy has to spend all his $ in court just to enforce his right to see his children.

Online women are free to vent and are treated as heros. When a guy vents, he is told not to complain, don't whine, grow a pair, get counseling, you need healing or that he is lying. His feelings are invalidated which causes more emotional pain on his part and can lead to suicide.

You won't hear much truth online. It's not allowed. Go ask a few divorced men offline. Good luck.



Stevereno wrote :
In reading profiles it almost seems divorce is running rampid amongst married couples all over.
I dont know first hand because I have never been married and thats why I must find out more. I read that indeed coming out of a divorce makes one feel as if they have failed?! This is very challenging way to feel going in to the singles scene.......... a 'failure', anyone have an experience to share?
Last edited by roguewolf1; December 9,2009 at 11:29am. Reason: picture
 
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JUNEBUG1980 is offline JUNEBUG1980 Post #27  December 10,2009, 7:24am
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AFTER MY DIVORCE, THE FIRST PERSON I WENT OUT WITH TOOK ME TO DINNER AND THEN GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR ASKED WHAT MOTEL I WANTED TO GO TO AFTERWARDS. WHEN I ASKED HIM SOME FEW CHOICE WORDS HE JUST ASUMED THAT WE WOULD..... BECAUSE I WAS DIVORCED. IS THAT JUST ALABAMA MEN OR EVERYWHERE?
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #28  December 12,2009, 8:17pm
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jayjay wrote :
I'd say divorce makes me feel like I failed in choosing my partner the first time. I don't consider I failed anything other than that.
+1 -My thoughts exactly.
 
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Lookingandlooking is offline Lookingandlooking Post #29  December 14,2009, 7:32pm
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I felt like a failure at first - but then I felt like something failed me - I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do - and then it's over? What?!

Now, I just feel single. I don't feel divorced anymore. As someone else stated - I feel like the "old me" is back!
 
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gcoleman99 is offline gcoleman99 Post #30  December 24,2009, 3:38pm
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hobokelly wrote :
Yes, I believe that grown ups (waited to marry, until "adult", not 19 or 20 years old) do feel as if we have failed when the marriage is over. I am 6 years single now, and have dated very little. It took me several years before I had the courage to date. The rational part says, "Ok, I did everything I could and was committed to the marriage", but your heart still says "Hell, I failed at the most important relationship God gave me" And if you have kids-pile on a ton of guilt.
I don't exactly feel guilty that the marriage failed, because both of us were at fault for that... I feel guilty that I can't be with my son 24/7, like I used to.
 
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