kalos is offline kalos Post #1  October 17,2008, 3:47pm
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I am mother of 4, 3 of whom are not either out of the house one finishing HS. I have seriously thought about whether or not I could be with someone with young children. The truth is I can't wrap my brain around that. I have been a single parent since 1997 and have devoted a lot of my life to raising my kids, now I just want to see what else life has to offer.


When I talk to men with younger children I am honest about my feelings about younger children. But the reaction from some men is anger. One man had a four year old, and that was just beyond my ability to cope with and I told him that I just can't deal with a 4 year old. He was furious, called me selfish.


Please try to understand if you are in your 40's with young children that those of us who had our children in our 20's, want our 40's to do some of the things you did in your 20's when you didn't have kids. It is not selfish it is just that raising kid is exhausting and you have to be mentally and physically ready for the challenge.
 
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MazarineSunset is offline MazarineSunset Post #2  October 17,2008, 7:28pm

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That's true, and I would have to give some serious thought to committing to a relationship with someone with pre-schoolers and grade schoolers, as my only son just graduated from high school and I'm free of the divorce/ custody/ child support crap for the first time in years.


It's so freeing! I have a new job and am thinking of moving in the next year or so - ANYWHERE.


However, I do enjoy kids, and while I definately do NOT want any more of my own - I could easily accept someone else's - if they can accept me.


I think you have to consider, too - that unless you are dating someone who has sole/full custody of their kids, you probably will not be responsible for them. Not only that, but you would have to negotiate that line between being 'real' mom and 'step' mom. Depends on the kids - but in my experience, they younger kids are more accepting of Dad's new S.O. than the older ones are. Once they are in middle school - look out! They can be really tough on an adult relationship if they want to.


But it's YOUR life. I think you are right in being honest and upfront - better for a match to find out now that you don't want to deal with young kids than after you get attached to each other.


As for the guy that got angry - well, that's probably not all that he gets angry about, so I'd count yourself ahead on that one.
 
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holyghostgirl is offline holyghostgirl Post #3  October 18,2008, 4:32am
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I'm 42 and my kids are now20 and 17. They were 11 and 8 at the split. I let my ex-hus have custody and I paid the child support and was the weekend parent.I went back to school, got an education and I'm now opening my first restuarant. I can't see where I'd have the time for small kids as much as I love them. I have friends who started later than I and have grade schoolers.Five year-olds and peri-menopause don't always mix . I just can't see doing all of that again. I can't say it's an absolute deal breaker, but it would take much fasting and prayer and a decided lack of "baby mama drama"


I feel like that old saying "I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and still young enough to enjoy it."


I agree with MazSunset, Mr. hothead probably blows his top on the regular. If I had little ones and someone reacted your way about it, I'd thank them for their honesty and move on. Do you really want to be with someone who"tolerates" your kids or someone who will love them? Who's welfare is he putting first? Sounds like he's the selfish one.
 
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corky44 is offline corky44 Post #4  October 18,2008, 11:12am
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I guess I'm in the middle on this one. I have three kids, 15, 13, and 10. I am looking forward to the independence I'll have when my youngest goes to college. However, the other issue for me is how the kids would react to each other. Having 2 teenagers is a challenge. Adding really young kids to that mix sounds like a potentially very difficult situation. Kids demand a lot of attention no matter what the age but the types of attention they require are different. It would really spread me thin to devote that much of my energy in disparate directions. I don't think that's selfish, just realistic.


In your case, wanting some time to do the things you gave up for the sake of your kids is hardly selfish. Seems like the pot was calling the kettle black here. He probably wants someone to relinquish his duties to so he can get on with what he wants to do.
 
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lada is offline lada Post #5  October 20,2008, 9:55am

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from the overwhelming lack of response, I must say that my matches have at least had qualms about many things, not least being such an old mother with such a young son.
 
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holyghostgirl is offline holyghostgirl Post #6  October 20,2008, 7:25pm
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lada,301147 wrote :

from the overwhelming lack of response, I must say that my matches have at least had qualms about many things, not least being such an old mother with such a young son.
We 40+momsare not OLD. We are mature, seasoned, experienced, all grown-up even, but never old. Though I confess I'd like my 21 yr-old bodrun bymy 42 year old brain. I'd be hard to handle!
 
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lada is offline lada Post #7  October 21,2008, 12:03pm

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sweetie, call it whatever you like. I'll be 50 before my son hits first grade. Here, it is not uncommon to have GREAT grandmothers my age. And, yes, I do feel younger than most of the women my age, because I have to move fast just to keep up. (And the men...forgive me, but if your only exercise is hunting, and you just bought a new 4 wheeler...)
 
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wishbone is offline wishbone Post #8  October 21,2008, 5:46pm
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lada,301147 wrote :

from the overwhelming lack of response, I must say that my matches have at least had qualms about many things, not least being such an old mother with such a young son.
If you used the same pic in your profile that might have something to do with it ,Most guys dont want to have a Turkey for dinner except at Thanksgiving or Christmas!!! LOL Sorrry my twisted since of humor got the best of me....Again!!
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #9  October 22,2008, 11:08am
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Ok, I won't be 40 for another 8 months...but my son will still only be 5. A lot of my friends waited to have children too. We are all glad that we waited. I don't mind evenings stuck @ home...I would have 10-15 years ago though. And I know I have more patience. Maybe not the energy. I do miss that!
 
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marylovesplaya is offline marylovesplaya Post #10  November 6,2008, 1:46pm
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I'm 46 with sole legal and physical custody of 4 kids, ages 16, 13, 10 and 9. I'm thinking I'll scare off just about anyone

I am open to anyone whether they have kids or not, though I don't think I'm interested in anyone with kids that aren't at least in elementary school. I don't want to do all the baby, toddler, preschool stuff again until I have grandchildren.

When and if I meet someone, I'm not necessarily looking for them to step in as a dad. If they wanted to take on that role, that would be okay, but it's not necessary. I would like my kids to love, or at least like, whoever I was involved with, but, again, I don't think it's necessary. What is crucial to me is that they are all respectful of each other. Some of my kids are more open to me dating than others. Some have been very vocal about not wanting me to. I've explained to them that I want someone to share my life with. They're at the stage where they are with friends a lot. At some point they'll be gone off to college and living their lives. I don't introduce anyone to my kids unless I think there's really something there.

If I was involved with someone with kids, I'd be open to having whatever sort of relationship they were open to.

But as much as I love my kids, which is really more than anything, I am also looking forward to the freedom of having grown kids. I had my first at 30 and my last at 38. Before kids I traveled, read books, ate cereal for dinner if I felt like it, etc. So when I did have my kids, I didn't feel like I was giving anything up to put them first. But now that I've been at it for almost 17 years, I am looking a little bit forward to having some time for myself again. That light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter
 
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