PDDispatcher is offline PDDispatcher Post #1  September 26,2008, 2:49pm
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Is it just me, or are there others out there that feel that they are not quite up to the standards of todays woman? What I mean, is from past experiences and break ups, do you have these feelings and memories of the things said once it was over and they keep popping out of your head at the wrong time? My ex said somethings to me that even after 7 years still haunt me. If any woman says something close to what she said, even in a joking manner, or not even talking specifically about me, my brain kicks into overdrive and my ego gets smaller and smaller. I think that's a large part of my lack of being able to make/create a relationship. But is there a way to overcome this without talking to someone with a PHD? I'm not a bad guy, I'm pretty sure if I was "normal" in a relationship, I'd be great. But the ghosts of the past still haunt me. Any comments?
 
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startinover45 is offline startinover45 Post #2  September 26,2008, 5:17pm
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Hey PD you are absolutely right. I go through the same thing. MY ex said some pretty bad things like "she thinks she settled", she was a "trophy wife" that I did not appreciate, "your no longer good enough for me" and these were all from a lady I was married to for 16 years.It's tough but you just gotta get it out of your head. Most of the thigns are only true in her mind and/or things she dreamed up to jsutify her decision to send you on your way. I have not found one yetbut I am pretty sure their are some good women out there for good men like us. Rememberyou can't change the past but you can certaintly start over and forget it!


Larry
 
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Lostintranslation is offline Lostintranslation Post #3  September 26,2008, 6:08pm
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Honey, sit down and relax. I'm today's woman and I don't live up to the standards of today's woman.


It seems to me the problem isn't today's woman but yesterday's woman/women. They are your exes for a reason. Whether they left you or you left them, you are not together because there was something in the relationship that wasn't compatible. It doesn't make you defective but it definitely makes you un-right for that particular person.


Ghosts are just that - shadows of something that was - there is nothing present and living about a ghost. It's time to move on. I don't think you need a PhD to tell you that those echoes in your head are reverberating too much. You can change that - fight it - when that pops into your head don't entertain it - don't feed it - BEAT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!!! Dismiss those old messages and replace them with the positive.


There's nothing bad about a man who owns a German Shepherd, but your dog will tell you that to dwell in the past is useless - to dwell in the present is hopeful and good and productive. Simply don't play the tapes of your exes - play the tapes of your now, of you and your happiness and the things that you do to make YOU happy. How can there be someone new and vibrant and alive and positive and loving in your life if you're still entertaining the ones who are now gone?


I don't say this to be mean or reinforce any bad feelings you have about yourself. I read your profile, you're an interesting man. Maybe make this Halloween your UNhaunting day?
 
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Vanetta is offline Vanetta Post #4  September 27,2008, 12:42am
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Hi, I am new to this group and also have a few things my ex said tto me that often bring back bad memories. but yes the past is past amd consider why you joined eharmony in the first palce. You were obviously ready to move on so move on. Create good thoughts in your mind focus on them. They will attract what you want. Each time you start thinking of those "bad " ones mentally reject them as unimportant and think of what you want and feel it. I am the old fashioned type of woman and read your profile. I found you interesting. You have also got to relize that ecery woman is not the same. There are still "good normal ones"out there. Do try to remember that what your ex said is not known by others so when it is said it is not said by her. Have some faith.
 
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missthang is offline missthang Post #5  October 1,2008, 6:28pm
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I don't seem to be up to anybody's standards when it comes to the opposite sex but that's okay.


God has delivered me from much by the rejection. And it has made me stronger.
 
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iyampeachy is offline iyampeachy Post #6  October 1,2008, 8:26pm
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I yam what I yam. Like it or lump it. Sadly, the lumps are everywhere!
 
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wende1215 is offline wende1215 Post #7  October 2,2008, 1:07am
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PDDispatcher, wrote :

Is it just me, or are there others out there that feel that they are not quite up to the standards of todays woman? What I mean, is from past experiences and break ups, do you have these feelings and memories of the things said once it was over and they keep popping out of your head at the wrong time? My ex said somethings to me that even after 7 years still haunt me. If any woman says something close to what she said, even in a joking manner, or not even talking specifically about me, my brain kicks into overdrive and my ego gets smaller and smaller. I think that's a large part of my lack of being able to make/create a relationship. But is there a way to overcome this without talking to someone with a PHD? I'm not a bad guy, I'm pretty sure if I was "normal" in a relationship, I'd be great. But the ghosts of the past still haunt me. Any comments?
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in the same situation. I would constantly "relive" all of the horrible comments and situations my ex-husband and ex-boyfriends have said to me. I also would go over and over all of the stupid things I have done pertaining to relationships (a lot of regrets). But think of life this way...you are only guaranteed NOW, so live in the moment. The past is done and thinking about it isn't going to change anything. Focus on NOW and do those things that make you happy.


Good luck in your search...
 
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DoinNada is offline DoinNada Post #8  October 3,2008, 9:08am
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Been down the war road of divorce twice, have the battle scars to prove it. Here is what you have to realize when a relationship ends in most cases it ends because someone is unhappy. That unhappiness can turn to anger and most humans lash out when angry. They say things that are not true but wich they know will hurt the other person. It's just the anger and the ending of the relationship talking. When those times come to mind stop and think about all the good times that were in that relationship. In most cases (not all but most) the actual number of good times far surpass the bad days at the end of the relationship. Remember that the person was with you for a reason...way back at the beginning they fell in love with you and made a decision to be with you. There had to be stuff there in you for that to happen. So instead of thinking of the hurtful things they said at the end while they were angry stop and think of the things that started the relationship off in the first place. In most cases they would have said or did some things that made you feel good about yourself and well as about them.


Anger is a powerful emotion and it can weigh you down and drag you dowqn so far that you can't stand on your own two feet. It's a long road back and I'll not lie, it ain't easy as I've been there. You fall and slide back a lot but ig you keep going, keep believing in yourself, keep recalling what it was about you that initially attracted them to you, you'll eventually see that you're agreat person and well worthy of having a good loving relationship.
 
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willsucceed is offline willsucceed Post #9  October 3,2008, 5:44pm
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When I remember the horrible things my ex used to say to me, and the horrible way he made me feel about myself, I don't think "What's wrong with me?"On the contrary,I think "WhatWAS wrong with me to have taken so long to get out of that abusive relationship??"


And I also think"What was wrong with HIM???"


And I also think "What's wrong with all these silly men out there??? Don't they know what they're missing out on???"
 
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missthang is offline missthang Post #10  October 3,2008, 6:01pm
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DoinNada,281196 wrote :

They say things that are not true but wich they know will hurt the other person. It's just the anger and the ending of the relationship talking. When those times come to mind stop and think about all the good times that were in that relationship. In most cases (not all but most) the actual number of good times far surpass the bad days at the end of the relationship. Remember that the person was with you for a reason...way back at the beginning they fell in love with you and made a decision to be with you. There had to be stuff there in you for that to happen. So instead of thinking of the hurtful things they said at the end while they were angry stop and think of the things that started the relationship off in the first place. In most cases they would have said or did some things that made you feel good about yourself and well as about them.

Thank you for this. It is true and helpful, it hit me right between the eyes.
 
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