divorce fears

Post divorce fears

I’m curious if anyone else experienced such fears as I am now and how you deal with it.

I am a very recent divorcee after 18 years of on and off verbal and physical abuse. And I told him, I would stay on for another 18 more years of good times and especially bad times… if .. if.. he seeks help. He said it was too much effort and he can’t change. That was when I had to face the fact that 18 years of encouragement, support, being his strength is not doing him any good. He is never going to improve himself simply because he chooses not to and it was heartbreaking to see a man destroying everything precious to him thus far. I had to walk out for not just my sake or the kids’ sake, for his sake too so that he could learn to be happy with himself, to love himself enuff not to be self destructive and to treasure his own self first before he can love anybody else. One part of me told me I made the right decision, and then now, I have my doubts.

From my teens until now, I have never been alone alone before. There had always been someone in my life one way or another, be it a boyfriend or someone who was chasing me. Now, at age 42 with 2 children, trying to find love isn’t pretty. Trying to find love??!! I have never had to do that before and now that I am older with the number of single men available diminished by half, it gets weary.

Have any of you ever wondered like me, why is this good woman/good man being punished thus, having to search for love? Have you ever wondered maybe it was a mistake to divorce and that it might have been a better choice to just stick to a marriage with no light at the end of the tunnel? Better than the uncertainty of the future. Wonder if your Mr or Ms Compatible will ever enter the picture and when? That dreadful feeling of after decades of being almost the ideal spouse, someone who sticks to your spouse’s side through poverty, family members’ death, illness and all the good times and especially bad times and that you had been the best you could be, then all of a sudden you are thrown into ice cold aloneness? And you wonder what just happened? How did I end up with this mess, this loneliness, this uncertainty of the future? That feeling of maybe I am not worthy of the kind of marriage I value, that somehow perhaps I don’t deserve a happy marriage, or perhaps such happy marriage is a myth?

I am happy with myself generally and then sometimes when I think of wow, what just happened, all these doubts and fears creep up like a catalyst, sapping me of life. And I fear, will I become a grumpy biotch, which I don’t want to be. And if I throw myself into career, closing my heart even tighter to the idea of finding Mr Compatible or love, I fear my heart will become stone cold one day. As I can see these doubts are starting to do that to me.

If you have experienced this before, teach me, tell me. How do you deal with it? I know for certain, I must prevent my heart from growing hard. That beautiful thing is dying and I am very scared.

Post divorce fears

I’m curious if anyone else experienced such fears as I am now and how you deal with it.

I am a very recent divorcee after 18 years of on and off verbal and physical abuse. And I told him, I would stay on for another 18 more years of good times and especially bad times… if .. if.. he seeks help. He said it was too much effort and he can’t change. That was when I had to face the fact that 18 years of encouragement, support, being his strength is not doing him any good. He is never going to improve himself simply because he chooses not to and it was heartbreaking to see a man destroying everything precious to him thus far. I had to walk out for not just my sake or the kids’ sake, for his sake too so that he could learn to be happy with himself, to love himself enuff not to be self destructive and to treasure his own self first before he can love anybody else. One part of me told me I made the right decision, and then now, I have my doubts.

From my teens until now, I have never been alone alone before. There had always been someone in my life one way or another, be it a boyfriend or someone who was chasing me. Now, at age 42 with 2 children, trying to find love isn’t pretty. Trying to find love??!! I have never had to do that before and now that I am older with the number of single men available diminished by half, it gets weary.

Have any of you ever wondered like me, why is this good woman/good man being punished thus, having to search for love? Have you ever wondered maybe it was a mistake to divorce and that it might have been a better choice to just stick to a marriage with no light at the end of the tunnel? Better than the uncertainty of the future. Wonder if your Mr or Ms Compatible will ever enter the picture and when? That dreadful feeling of after decades of being almost the ideal spouse, someone who sticks to your spouse’s side through poverty, family members’ death, illness and all the good times and especially bad times and that you had been the best you could be, then all of a sudden you are thrown into ice cold aloneness? And you wonder what just happened? How did I end up with this mess, this loneliness, this uncertainty of the future? That feeling of maybe I am not worthy of the kind of marriage I value, that somehow perhaps I don’t deserve a happy marriage, or perhaps such happy marriage is a myth?

I am happy with myself generally and then sometimes when I think of wow, what just happened, all these doubts and fears creep up like a catalyst, sapping me of life. And I fear, will I become a grumpy biotch, which I don’t want to be. And if I throw myself into career, closing my heart even tighter to the idea of finding Mr Compatible or love, I fear my heart will become stone cold one day. As I can see these doubts are starting to do that to me.

If you have experienced this before, teach me, tell me. How do you deal with it? I know for certain, I must prevent my heart from growing hard. That beautiful thing is dying and I am very scared.