bound2be is offline bound2be Post #1  June 4,2009, 10:15am
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I have an 18 month old.. She is Beautiful. My daughter's Dad disappeared when I told him I was pregnant.. The decision to have her was all mine..He did'nt want anymore kids!

Here's where the situation get's sticky, We will call him CH. CH was still married. He is ten years older than me with two kids other than our daughter. I left him alone thinking he had alot to deal with..And I didn't want to subject my daughter to that type of a life style! Over the years I thought about forcing him to sign over rights as I knew he propably would.. I am sort of a PI so it wasn't hard to find him and all of his information..

I went to the beach for the day with my daughter a few months ago as I walked out of a resturant I ran right into him. He was shocked and I was shaking so bad I almost passed out. He got my phone number and we have been talking for several months. He has been divorced for over a year now and things seem to be going well most of the time. He's over almost every day..

Here is my delima... I love the guy to death, however he is 35 and still has this group of friends that like to go out a few times a week. and when I say go out I mean they get so drunk they can't remeber the night. Can i say he seems like the perfect guy when he doesnt drink. He keeps making up up excusses.
Im sure after being married for ten years he is making up for all the time he was tied down.. I just don't know how to tell him enough is enough. Grow up!! Ya know.

The other night I told him there is a point when your not the cool guy at the bar anymore. People will start to say god that guy is here every week. Whats the issue. No family? He'll end up being that creepy old guy..
After a long night of him being out he begs and pleads that he won't have a night like that again.. Well it has happened 3 times not and this last weekend he ended up in jail. He has a brother that is a sheriff and he always bails him out with no consequences the next morning. It's ss frustrating!!!!

I don't know what to do. It's tearing me apart!! I love him around but I can't stand the fact that he hasn't grown up.

Please give me advice...
I can't believe I just layed all of my information out to all you strangers without thinking twice.. HELP
Thanks
Nik
 
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scotty2300 is offline scotty2300 Post #2  June 9,2009, 5:41pm
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Im sorry for what you are going through, im not sure if you care or not, but if I were you I would be saying that there comes a time in everybodys life that they need to relize that they are adults, and if they have kids or a famaily, they need to provide for that famaily not just with making sure the bills are payed but emotionaly as well. There should be no reason why you have to go out by you self, when you have a famaily at home. Thats just my thought...
 
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MotherOf2 is offline MotherOf2 Post #3  June 12,2009, 7:01pm
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Hello,
I'm new here.
I would just like to say this. I know you love this man, but to me...3 children and still hasn't grown up?! No offence and this is not your fault or anythingyou did wrong, but if he hasn't done it for his wife, his first two children or yours as well, I hate to think that the probable answer is... he won't. Not for his children which should be his priority and not for a woman. I have two children and have made the mistake twice as they have different father's neither of which realized that your child is supposed to be the priority. I stuck it out for a long time with the second man and he is now in his 30's and still couldn't grow up, I gave birth to his 4rth child and nada!
To me this man sounds like he's not worthy of you. You deserve better. He didn't care enough at the beginning when he was married, and yes I know when your married that would have been a devastating blow to his family, but he did his wife wrong he said vows to love and cherish and do right by her, and again this is not to say anything bad about you, as you didn't cheat on your husband he cheated on his wife, but that should show you, he's never going to grow up. Secondly if it was a ling or he realized he loved you and was with the wrong woman, fine but he should have at least recognized his daughter asap. Not later in life when he happened to run into you after he's divorced.
And as for a future between the two of you, my best piece of advice would be this: base every decision you make on your child, every single decision. Do what is right for your child and not what you hope will become right. Look at his track record and wonder if this is a phase or if this is just who he is. Ask yourself: is he involved with is other children, why were they divorced (I know this may not seem important but huney trust me it is!), are his ex and him able to be respectful to each other at least in front of the children, does he do everything and anything he can for all his children or does he take money from the children to have his "fun and freedom"?
Also remember this, you are young and your daughter and you are beautiful and don't think that you are both not worth so much better or think for a second that you wouldn't get so much better. If he isn't the one.. why waste your time and your daughter's time and love and trust on him. Save that bond for someone who's worthy of youand especially your daughter, becuase I will tell you this, there are men out there who will love and adore your child as well as you and imagine how much happier you'd both be!

I apologize if I didn't tell you anything you wanted to hear or if I may have seemed a little blunt in my advice, but I am not the type to beat around the bush, I say it how it is, and I hate to see these type of men wasting our time and burning us out while we "try to fix them". They can only fix themselves and if his children aren't motivation enough what would be?

Take care and good luck.

p.s. one more piece of advice: look at your daughter let's pretend it's 20 years from now, would you want to see her in this way as the exact same situation? If it's not good enough for her... why is it good enough for you, remember this too she is your life and what you live she does too, you teach her what is acceptable and what isn't. If this is not acceptable for her as an adult with your future grandchild again, why is it what you would want to teach her and accept for yourself?
 
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meanminicooper is online now meanminicooper Post #4  July 3,2009, 5:48am
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you had a kid with a married man. Start there.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #5  July 3,2009, 2:46pm
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meanminicooper wrote :
you had a kid with a married man. Start there.
he has a point on that one Nik. what do you expect from a man who cheated on his wife AND had a baby with his mistress? whether or not he ran away like a coward from the responsibilties, he still put in %50 of the effort on that one. and ask yourself this: if he were still married, would he be with you now? having his baby sure didnt push him to leave his wife. any relationship that STARTS with lying, cheating and secrets will END on that same note. youre still young so on the plus side you still have time to find a good man who will be a positive role model for your daughter. you need to care for your little girl and give her the best environment possible, and picking up her adulterous father from the slammer is not what you want for her. although i don't really sympathize too much with you, i do hope you make the right choice for HER. good luck
 
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