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treatmesweetly treatmesweetly is offline
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treatmesweetly is up to her eyeballs in MBA class!

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Okay, this is just venting, I'm not sure what can be done to fix or un-do whatever it was that made things bad...

One of my best friends (10 years) met a guy several years ago. I liked him and was glad they were together. He treated her well. They dated for a few years, and my friend and I stopped seeing movies together (was kinda our thing, but became their thing). Then he spent a year telling her that he wanted to marry her and even taking her ring shopping... but birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve, and Valentine's Day all went by with no ring and no proposal. My friend was so disappointed and hurt. I never said anything to him, but things cooled between her boyfriend and me. We weren't rude to each other, but he just didn't joke with me anymore.

He finally proposed... and spent the next 2 years putting her on-hold about the wedding date. My friend and I planned her wedding day (decorations, flowers, indoors, outdoors, towering cakes, DJ vs. band, chuch, country club, hotel, etc.). But several months later, she lost interest in her big wedding fantasy and seemed to be covering for him and his disinterest. When my friend and I hang out, he's not there.

I found out 2 weeks ago that they eloped. Her co-workers and a work-out buddy gave her the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue". I didn't even know where they were going, let alone was I permitted to help her get ready for the big day. Now I was disappointed and hurt.

He still treats her well... but it's become obvious to more than me that he doesn't like me (our mutual acquaintances physically step between us, like they think he might say something regrettable to me).

So, what to do? He seems almost repulsed at the idea of having to sit next to me and make small talk. So the "have a talk with him" idea doesn't seem like it will be fruitful (probably cause more trouble than it fixes). I could talk to my friend, but I don't want to cause a rift between her and him, or worse yet, cause her to feel like she has to choose with between us.

Any recommendations, or am I just going to lose this good friend to her husband?
- May 22nd, 2009, 11:58 pm
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meri75 meri75 is offline
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meri75 does not always enjoy being responsible :/

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I'm sorry that this has happened. It is hurtful - with me, it was my sister and I've lost all contact with her now. Could you invite them over for morning/afternoon tea one weekend soonish and give your wedding gift to them?
- May 23rd, 2009, 12:28 am
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robv_la robv_la is offline
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My suggestion is to talk with your friend about this, tell her that you miss hanging out with her. Her honest response may be that she can't spend as much time with you anymore because she's married. If this is the case, you have to accept it.

And by the way, if you truely care for your friend, you need to set your differences aside about her husband and accept him as well. Because they are package deal now.

This happens a lot, where two single people are great friends, but then one of the friends meets someone special and becomes married. Then it's harder for the old friends to hang out as much. The single friend becomes a third wheel really when hanging out with the married friend and spouse. And the married friend is really spending more time building on the spousal relationship.

In fact, this happens a lot with siblings as well. Brothers may hang out all the time, then one brother gets married and has kids, while the other stays single. They can't hang out like they used to as much. The single brother gets invited to his brother's family stuff, but doesn't really hang out with his bro just guys anymore.

So being a good brother, or sister, or friend, means being flexible and allowing the relationship to change over time, which it will. And it means being there for special people in your life even if you don't agree with their choices, or the other people they bring into their lives.
- May 23rd, 2009, 12:32 am
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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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I think that you over stepped your boundaries, you're not her mother or her sister your just a friend, who should have no opinions unless your paying something out of your pocket towards the wedding. Every married couple have single friends who are viewed as a threat to one of the couple. In your case your girlfriend ratted you out to her boyfriend / husband. Whatever advise or suggestions that you gave her she told him and you became the focal point of his animosity! Accept it and move on.There is a very old saying which is also true, "Lose Lips Sinks Ships".

We have all been there and the relationship changed to lunch or a dinner every once in a while, but when you get married your husband may not like some of your friends and you may not like his friends so everything changes and not always for the better either. Move On.

Harvey7
Last edited by Harvey7; May 23rd, 2009 at 01:20 am.
- May 23rd, 2009, 01:18 am
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lil_lamb lil_lamb is offline
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you should be offended. that was poorly done on their part. it's not just him. it's her too. drop 'em both like a hot potato.
- May 23rd, 2009, 01:22 am
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treatmesweetly treatmesweetly is offline
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treatmesweetly is up to her eyeballs in MBA class!

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meri75 wrote :
I'm sorry that this has happened. It is hurtful - with me, it was my sister and I've lost all contact with her now. Could you invite them over for morning/afternoon tea one weekend soonish and give your wedding gift to them?
I'm sorry you lost contact with your sister.

I already gave her their wedding gift - from the registry I didn't even know she had until after they were married - he wasn't there when I gave it to her. I saw them last night at a mutual acquaintance's wedding. During the drinks/appetizers, everytime I approached them to chat, he turned his back to me and/or moved her away (like across the room). I know I sound paranoid, but... During dinner, seating was arranaged and we sat at different tables, even though I sat at a table where I knew no one and they sat at a table where they knew only one other couple. The Bride knows that we are good friends and that we don't know her other friends (no, she's not the kind of person to force people who don't know each other to sit together).

It really upsets me to be losing a friend like this (good friends are so hard to come by!). The part that really bugs me is that I used to get along with her husband when they first started dating. We all joked and hung out together. But for the past few years, he's acted like I'm completely repulsive, and I have no idea what happened. I don't know if it was a one-time misunderstanding that never got cleared up, or if things just gradually deteriorated.
- May 23rd, 2009, 10:12 am
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treatmesweetly treatmesweetly is offline
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treatmesweetly is up to her eyeballs in MBA class!

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robv_la wrote :
My suggestion is to talk with your friend about this, tell her that you miss hanging out with her. Her honest response may be that she can't spend as much time with you anymore because she's married. If this is the case, you have to accept it.

And by the way, if you truely care for your friend, you need to set your differences aside about her husband and accept him as well. Because they are package deal now.

This happens a lot, where two single people are great friends, but then one of the friends meets someone special and becomes married. Then it's harder for the old friends to hang out as much. The single friend becomes a third wheel really when hanging out with the married friend and spouse. And the married friend is really spending more time building on the spousal relationship.

In fact, this happens a lot with siblings as well. Brothers may hang out all the time, then one brother gets married and has kids, while the other stays single. They can't hang out like they used to as much. The single brother gets invited to his brother's family stuff, but doesn't really hang out with his bro just guys anymore.

So being a good brother, or sister, or friend, means being flexible and allowing the relationship to change over time, which it will. And it means being there for special people in your life even if you don't agree with their choices, or the other people they bring into their lives.
I don't expect a married friend (or even one who's just dating someone) to spend the same amount of time with me as she did before she was married. All my friends are married now, and I get along just fine with their husbands. The difference with this situation is that I used to get along with her husband, during the first couple of years of their relationship. We hung out (sometimes just my friend and me, sometimes all 3 of us together), but that stopped happening months before he proposed.
- May 23rd, 2009, 10:33 am
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treatmesweetly treatmesweetly is offline
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Harvey7 wrote :
I think that you over stepped your boundaries, you're not her mother or her sister your just a friend, who should have no opinions unless your paying something out of your pocket towards the wedding. Every married couple have single friends who are viewed as a threat to one of the couple. In your case your girlfriend ratted you out to her boyfriend / husband. Whatever advise or suggestions that you gave her she told him and you became the focal point of his animosity! Accept it and move on.There is a very old saying which is also true, "Lose Lips Sinks Ships".

We have all been there and the relationship changed to lunch or a dinner every once in a while, but when you get married your husband may not like some of your friends and you may not like his friends so everything changes and not always for the better either. Move On.

Harvey7
Sorry Harvey, but you're way off base. Since my early-20's, I've made it a point never to bad-mouth my girl friend's boyfriends or husbands.

The Wedding Day is a huge event in a woman's life (and hopefully for her husband too). When he first started saying that he wanted to marry her and taking her ring-shopping, we began to plan for her Wedding Day. She wanted a big church wedding, with special colors, wedding gown, flowers, cake, food, champaign, etc. Then he announced he wanted something smaller. Okay, smaller, we could plan smaller... Eventually planning stopped because he wouldn't set a date. Then last month, she calls and says, "I'm married!" They eloped to some church-in-the-woods in another State with only their parents and siblings in attendance. None of her aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends. None of her special colors, flowers, cake, etc. She wore a cream-colored dress with some lace trim around the hem, not her fantasy wedding gown.

Yes, I understand that she was willing to make sacrifices for her husband (marriage requires some compromise and sacrifice). But her co-workers gave her the things her bridesmaids were supposed to give her (old, new, borrowed, blue), and only because she accidently gushed the day before she left that she was eloping.
- May 23rd, 2009, 10:53 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Some random thoughts …

They dated for a few years, and my friend and I stopped seeing movies together (was kinda our thing, but became their thing).

I do this too. Face it, there’s only so much time in the day, and dating can’t come from work or sleep, so what’s left? Maybe some people make too large, or too quick, a change, but I think this type of adjustment is common. Friends, hobbies, and even family suffer some portion of attention to find the time to give to the new partner.

Then he spent a year telling her that he wanted to marry her and even taking her ring shopping... but birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve, and Valentine's Day all went by with no ring and no proposal.

It’s hard to understand this without being exposed to more. Wanting to get married and having completed the due diligence process or preparing the financial foundation do not always occur simultaneously. He may not have understood that your friend has / would have had different expectations around timing – especially since the marriage ultimately took place. Several years does not strike me as too long to know someone prior to marriage.

Several months later, she lost interest in her big wedding fantasy and seemed to be covering for him and his disinterest. I found out 2 weeks ago that they eloped.

I can understand your upset, here. I kind of have to impute his perspective on this, but I can understand strife forming over “big wedding fantasy” leading to “risky debt-load and concordant hardship and sacrifice long into the future.” I know where I fall on that continuum.

I can understand having resentment toward outside people burdening us / me with long term obligations t o fund a lavish moment, or portraying that as a need. (Not saying this is the fact, as that is not in your OP, just that I have known this can be an issue.)

I think you’re already taking an ideal approach; ultimately, some broken relationships can not be repaired. Even those that result from a misunderstanding in the first place.
- May 23rd, 2009, 12:07 pm
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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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Could you talk to them both? Sit down with them over coffee and say something along the lines of "We seem to have grown apart and it feels like I've done something to cause that...can you talk to me about it?"

Sometimes friends and family overstep without realizing it. I'm not saying you did. That's between you and your friend. But I've had friends and family who only want the best for me cross lines that I've had to re-establish. Sometimes it works and the relationship continues as it was. Sometimes it doesn't and the relationship changes.

I'm not an advocate of people giving up friends for relationships, but relationships do change things and sometimes that change is difficult to manage gracefully. Sometimes people who fit before, don't fit after.

It is a shame that this distance has happened and is causing you pain. My first choice, as I said, would be to talk to them, either together or separately, and really listen to what they have to say...even if it's regrettable. If you can listen without responding and tell them ahead of time that you just want to hear what they have to say and then take a few days before responding, you might have a better chance of them telling you what has really happened. It's hard to do through, especially if what they have to say is hard to hear.

As for this: am I just going to lose this good friend to her husband? The answer to that is always going to be (and should be) yes, if it's a contest between spouse and friend, the spouse wins. The trick is to figure out a way for it not to be a contest and that might mean redefining your friendship significantly.

Good luck with it. I hope it all has a good resolution for you.
- May 23rd, 2009, 08:48 pm
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