Five Myths of Divorce, CS, and Custody in the USA


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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #1  November 6,2009, 7:27am
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First off, this is based on observations in the United States of America.

...

I've researched and talked with a lot of people both in real life, and on various boards on other forums. Hell, I've been a part of a divorce forum on usenet for going on eight years, now, not to mention my own divorce in 2005.

There's a lot of fact and a lot of fiction surrounding CS.


First Myth: CS is a Man's Problem

I personally know three women who paid CS. One of them didn't pay CS until after her son was 18. Then the son's dad, who raised their son, went to court and sued her for the unpaid CS, plus interest. She throws bags at an airport, and her checks are garnished. Her son's in his 20s.

CS is paid by the higher wage earner based on calculations in whatever district you happen to divorce, taking custody percentage into account.


Second Myth: You Can Live Off CS

Only if the higher earner makes a significant amount of money. CS helps, sure, but for the majority of Americans who receive it, CS is a subsidy, not a sole-income.

In other words, if you're a Stay-At-Home-Parent who wants to divorce your spouse, you'd better start looking for a job.


Third Myth: The Woman Always Gets Custody

Admittedly, this used to be true. The woman took the kids, end of story, strike the gavel, next case and let's break for lunch.

But all those kiddos are now lawyers, aren't they.

All those kiddos grew up not knowing their daddy, owing to the courts and their mommy.

These lawyers are in large part a generation of men raised by women, who are now fathers themselves, two-thirds of whom might fall victim to the same malicious stereotypes that took out their own fathers.

These men remember the lessons of their fathers, even the judges striking that gavel, because two-thirds of them are DIVORCED, and they would like to see their children more than once per week for two hours.

So custody these days is based more on a 50:50 arrangement. I hear that more often than not on later divorces, and I know several men who sued for and won sole custody of their children.

I have 50:50 custody with my son.

Gender is no longer such a big advantage.


Fourth Myth: Deadbeat Dads

I hate that term.

Why? Because there are as many Deadbeat Moms as there are Deadbeat Dads.

My best friend from high school -- a man -- raises his two children. The mom abandoned all three of the about a decade ago, walked out and never looked back.

No, she doesn't pay child support, and she often refuses custody on her weekends.

And see my First Myth, regarding the woman who didn't pay CS for 18 years. What a deadbeat, eh.

And see my Fourth Myth, about the guys who sued for and won custody of their kids. All of them proved in court that the mother was an unfit parent. One of them even got his daughter out of a meth house in Galveston, where the mom was "crashing for a while."

I have 50:50 with my son. So do many of the other fathers I know.

And if you still don't believe me, think of all the songs men sing about their children.

George Straight's "A Father's Love," or Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry."

How about "Butterfly Kisses."

"With Arms Wide Open."

"Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys."

"Brick in the Wall."

Deadbeats indeed.

Daddies love their kids.

(rant off, sorry I get going on that particular topic)


Fifth Myth: CS is Punitive

CS isn't based on punitive damages. CS is directed toward supporting your children, not the other parent, based on calculations set forth in your district.

That's the idea.

Sure, the other parent may not spend the money wisely, and they may not ~need~ the money (but they'll take it anyway), and they may get more than what is realistically fair, but let's remember that punishment is NOT the intent for Child Support.

It feels like punishment sometimes, and it can drive up your debt and even force you into bankruptcy, I know.

Unmitigated pain is the reality sometimes, but penance is not the intent.


- Saul
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 6,2009, 8:04am
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Well my knowledge of this comes mostly from Judge Judy but she bears you out, Saul. Things have changed a lot in the last 25 years.

I think there's also an emotional benefit for the child to know that a non-custodial parent is contributing to their support at an appropriate level.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  November 6,2009, 8:48am
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saulgoode wrote :
First off, this is based on observations in the United States of America.
...

Second Myth: You Can Live Off CS

...

Fifth Myth: CS is Punitive
...
I know that your thread is about child support but the underlying theme is divorce. I won't dispute your second or fifth myths where child support only in involved. But where alimony is granted it is possible to live off of alimony with or without child support.

And in a great many cases the alimony asked for and granted is a punitive act.

I personally know these women. I also know women who accepted their share of the blame for the failure of the marriage were not vindictive.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  November 6,2009, 9:06am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I know that your thread is about child support but the underlying theme is divorce. I won't dispute your second or fifth myths where child support only in involved. But where alimony is granted it is possible to live off of alimony with or without child support.

And in a great many cases the alimony asked for and granted is a punitive act.

I personally know these women. I also know women who accepted their share of the blame for the failure of the marriage were not vindictive.
Indeed, he is not talking about alimony, and has done an excellent job of saying that his comments refer to child support. So, let's not muddy the waters.

The purpose of alimony is spousal support, so of course it's sometimes possible to live solely off of the granted amount (especially when awarded at the end of long-term marriages where one spouse has limited earning ability). And, in states that are not no-fault states, fault can indeed play a role in determining the amount. Alimony serves a completely different purpose from child support and should not be confused with it.

Here is a good site the covers some of the legal issues with alimony: http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/divorce-alimony/
Last edited by neardc; November 6,2009 at 9:09am.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #5  November 6,2009, 9:11am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Well my knowledge of this comes mostly from Judge Judy but she bears you out, Saul. Things have changed a lot in the last 25 years.

I think there's also an emotional benefit for the child to know that a non-custodial parent is contributing to their support at an appropriate level.
This is such a good point. The child deserves to know both parents love and support him or her. It takes two people to bring a child into the world, and those two people must BOTH pick up the check.

Saul, I appreciated your post. Well done.
 
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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #6  November 6,2009, 9:52am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I know that your thread is about child support but the underlying theme is divorce. I won't dispute your second or fifth myths where child support only in involved. But where alimony is granted it is possible to live off of alimony with or without child support.

And in a great many cases the alimony asked for and granted is a punitive act.

I personally know these women. I also know women who accepted their share of the blame for the failure of the marriage were not vindictive.
(snip)

- Saul
Last edited by saulgoode; November 6,2009 at 9:55am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  November 6,2009, 9:59am
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Saul you're hijacking your own thread!

I think there's a place for temporary alimony, when 1 partner has been a stay-at-home parent for a long time. Their job skills are going to need updating, and they have lost a lot of career potential. The breadwinner partner benefited from the stay-at-home partner's work, and meanwhile was keeping their career going. Seems fair that the stay-at-home partner should get a few years' benefit from the worker bee partner to get some education and training.

Now the Dodgers owners are splitting up, and she wants $450,000. Per month. Ridiculous.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #8  November 6,2009, 10:00am
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Not everyone "hates" their spouse when a marriage ends, Saul. Nor is alimony necessarily punitive--it can be, but that is not its primary purpose. These days, it's more typically to provide for a relatively short transition to enable the recipient to become self-sufficient. But, perhaps the alimony issues should be left to a different thread?
 
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ltc89 is offline ltc89 Post #9  November 6,2009, 10:12am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I think there's also an emotional benefit for the child to know that a non-custodial parent is contributing to their support at an appropriate level.

Very, very true. I had full custody, and my kid's mother never paid any of theCS she was supposed to (and I never pushed for it either). She made it clear that she had no plans to contribute to any of their expenses (including college). She did several things that were destructive to her relationship with them, and this was just more proof of where they stood on her priority list.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  November 6,2009, 10:13am

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neardc wrote :
Not everyone "hates" their spouse when a marriage ends, Saul. Nor is alimony necessarily punitive--it can be, but that is not its primary purpose. These days, it's more typically to provide for a relatively short transition to enable the recipient to become self-sufficient. But, perhaps the alimony issues should be left to a different thread?
Yeah leave the hate in the thread I started. Excellent research Saul.
 
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