Emme is offline Emme Post #1  October 23,2009, 5:53pm

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This may be more of a rant, but I'm open to opinions and suggestions. Here's the story.

I have 5 siblings, 4 bros, 1 sis. My sister is the biggest blabbermouth on the planet. You can't tell her anything without everyone in the family and town hearing about it. One of my brothers is extremely ill, potentially terminally without a transplant. He has frequent hospitalizations about which he chooses to tell no one. Because I am closest to him and his family, I often hear about them. Out of my loyalty to my parents, when I hear he's been hospitalized, I tell my parents. They tell no one, respecting his privacy. He nearly died a year and a half ago and I was smack in the middle of this disaster as he and his wife are divorcing, she's a drunk and his kids were minors at the time. It was a horrible, horrible time.

My parents know my sister is a blabbermouth and we have agreed to tell her nothing about his frequent hospitalizations. Well, he was hospitalized again this week, was in ICU but seems to be ok. This is the 6th or 7th time this has happened in the past 2 years. I found out today that my mother told my sister about this. How did I find this out? From my big mouth sister, of course, who emailed me for info. I'm furious. Beyond furious.

I emailed another brother and told him I refuse to be in the middle of this anymore. My sick brother craves privacy. If he doesn't tell anyone he's in the hospital then I'm not going to tell anyone either. He is entitled to his privacy. I was telling my parents only as a courtesy. But now the whole family, and many others, will know he was in the hospital again. My brother would be livid if he knew.

Am I overreacting here? I HATE being in the middle of this. But I'm the trusted kid, the one who holds things together, who keeps the necessary secrets and is there whenever anyone has a crisis. I've had enough. If my brother wants to keep things to himself I think that's his right. I don't want to know about it unless he wants to tell me. And I'm not going to tell anyone else unless he tells me to. Is this a reasonable response? I could KILL my sister right now. We don't get along generally anway but to know that she's blabbing things around the family that we have intentionally been trying to keep quiet is bugging the sh*t out of me.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Can I divorce my family? I've had enough of the whole lot of them, to be honest. I was a miserable kid, felt unworthy of life my whole life and now everyone depends on me. No wonder I'm always depressed..
 
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TinkerKat is offline TinkerKat Post #2  October 24,2009, 7:27am
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Emme, you did the right thing by respecting your brother's wishes. Don't take on what your sister did as your problem.

Try to avoid any and all discussions with your sister about your brother. If she wants info, then she should get it from your parents. Change your reaction to her actions. You don't 'have' to respond to her email.

I wish the best for your brother and for you. {{{hugs}}}
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #3  October 24,2009, 8:18am
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I totally agree with TinkerKat. Ignore the email from your sister, and just keep stuff about your brother to yourself from now on. Your intentions were honourable by letting your parents know when he's hospitalized, but they obviously can't be trusted right now.

I'm sorry things are so tough atm...*hugs*
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #4  October 24,2009, 4:31pm
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I'm sorry to hear that your brother is so sick, Emme. Clearly, while he doesn't want many people to know, he chooses to confide in you possibly because going through this alone is a pretty scary prospect. It sounds from what you've written that he needs you to be his confidante. It probably gives him great comfort. Withdrawing that support could be quite upsetting to him. It's something you and he probably need to discuss from the point of view that you feel as though you have an obligation to your parents which, in this case, has backfired horribly.

As for your sister, just tell her you were honouring your brothers wishes is all and leave it at that. It really is none of her business.

Wishing you all the best.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangelAdvice Member-Moderator Post #5  October 24,2009, 5:10pm
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You are by no means overreacting, Emme. In your shoes, I would ignore your sister's email. It sounds like the relationship there is strained enough, and responding to her is only going to make things worse. You have enough on your plate right now without adding anything else to the mix.

I also believe that there is nothing wrong with honoring your brother's wishes. If this is how he chooses to handle things, then there is nothing wrong with that. It is completely reasonable for you to not tell anyone else. This is not your burden to bear, it's his, and it's his choice to tell who he chooses to tell. If you are the only person he chooses to tell, then so be it. You are not responsible for keeping the family in the loop about anything. It's his life and these are his choices. Don't put this on yourself.

As for you--you are worthy of your life, and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel that you aren't. I know what it feels like to be stuck in the middle, as well as to have everyone depending on you. It's not easy, that's for sure, but I'm slowly learning to not let them put me in the middle of their drama anymore.

I wish all the best for you and your brother.
 
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ltc89 is offline ltc89 Post #6  October 24,2009, 5:14pm
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Emme wrote :
This may be more of a rant, but I'm open to opinions and suggestions. Here's the story.

I have 5 siblings, 4 bros, 1 sis. My sister is the biggest blabbermouth on the planet. You can't tell her anything without everyone in the family and town hearing about it. One of my brothers is extremely ill, potentially terminally without a transplant. He has frequent hospitalizations about which he chooses to tell no one. Because I am closest to him and his family, I often hear about them. Out of my loyalty to my parents, when I hear he's been hospitalized, I tell my parents. They tell no one, respecting his privacy. He nearly died a year and a half ago and I was smack in the middle of this disaster as he and his wife are divorcing, she's a drunk and his kids were minors at the time. It was a horrible, horrible time.

My parents know my sister is a blabbermouth and we have agreed to tell her nothing about his frequent hospitalizations. Well, he was hospitalized again this week, was in ICU but seems to be ok. This is the 6th or 7th time this has happened in the past 2 years. I found out today that my mother told my sister about this. How did I find this out? From my big mouth sister, of course, who emailed me for info. I'm furious. Beyond furious.

I emailed another brother and told him I refuse to be in the middle of this anymore. My sick brother craves privacy. If he doesn't tell anyone he's in the hospital then I'm not going to tell anyone either. He is entitled to his privacy. I was telling my parents only as a courtesy. But now the whole family, and many others, will know he was in the hospital again. My brother would be livid if he knew.

Am I overreacting here? I HATE being in the middle of this. But I'm the trusted kid, the one who holds things together, who keeps the necessary secrets and is there whenever anyone has a crisis. I've had enough. If my brother wants to keep things to himself I think that's his right. I don't want to know about it unless he wants to tell me. And I'm not going to tell anyone else unless he tells me to. Is this a reasonable response? I could KILL my sister right now. We don't get along generally anway but to know that she's blabbing things around the family that we have intentionally been trying to keep quiet is bugging the sh*t out of me.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Can I divorce my family? I've had enough of the whole lot of them, to be honest. I was a miserable kid, felt unworthy of life my whole life and now everyone depends on me. No wonder I'm always depressed..



Emme, I feel your pain and have only the deepest sympathy - both about your concern for your brother and for the family situation you find yourself in.

I have a similar spot in my family - the one who keeps it all together (and everyone else seems to think it's effortless) and who assumes the reponsibility for our elderly parents care (everyone thinks this is effortless, too, but my weekends are dreadful and either no one understands or chooses to believe it and there's no way to change it). I've even got the blabbermouth sister who can't handle her own life so wants to know every detail of everyone elses and make sure she scoops every other sibling on every family issue.

You're totally within reason to respect your brothers wishes for privacy (I recently dealt with a major health issue that no one in my family knows about or ever will, except for one wonderful sister on whom I can always count, and she's kept my confidence). He confides in you because he obviously feels close to you and values your loyalty. You should do what you know to be best with the utmost confidence that it's the righ thing.

Hang in there - I know it's not easy, but in my opinion, you're totally in the right.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #7  October 24,2009, 6:13pm

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The thing is, he doesn't confide in me at all. I heard about this when his drunk wife called to ask me something. He confides in no one, not even his kids if he can help it. So I have no special place in his life, either.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #8  October 25,2009, 2:41am
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No, I don't believe that you are over-reacting, or being unreasonable with regard to your brother's wishes at all. It is his life and therefore as long as he is capable of making sound decisions, it should also be his right as to who knows his business.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54Advice Official Moderator Post #9  October 25,2009, 8:30am
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Yes, you can divorce your family, or individuals in it. You don't have to keep interacting with people who are toxic to you, just because you share a gene pool and/or a history.

There are degrees of divorce though. You can stop all communication with one person, but stay in civil touch with another without being close.

It's a drastic step though ... you only get one blood family, they're not replaceable. Best to not be hasty, and be at peace with the choice inside of yourself, before you actually do it. Don't act in anger.
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #10  November 4,2009, 7:13am
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Emme wrote :
This may be more of a rant, but I'm open to opinions and suggestions. Here's the story.

I have 5 siblings, 4 bros, 1 sis. My sister is the biggest blabbermouth on the planet. You can't tell her anything without everyone in the family and town hearing about it. One of my brothers is extremely ill, potentially terminally without a transplant. He has frequent hospitalizations about which he chooses to tell no one. Because I am closest to him and his family, I often hear about them. Out of my loyalty to my parents, when I hear he's been hospitalized, I tell my parents. They tell no one, respecting his privacy. He nearly died a year and a half ago and I was smack in the middle of this disaster as he and his wife are divorcing, she's a drunk and his kids were minors at the time. It was a horrible, horrible time.

My parents know my sister is a blabbermouth and we have agreed to tell her nothing about his frequent hospitalizations. Well, he was hospitalized again this week, was in ICU but seems to be ok. This is the 6th or 7th time this has happened in the past 2 years. I found out today that my mother told my sister about this. How did I find this out? From my big mouth sister, of course, who emailed me for info. I'm furious. Beyond furious.

I emailed another brother and told him I refuse to be in the middle of this anymore. My sick brother craves privacy. If he doesn't tell anyone he's in the hospital then I'm not going to tell anyone either. He is entitled to his privacy. I was telling my parents only as a courtesy. But now the whole family, and many others, will know he was in the hospital again. My brother would be livid if he knew.

Am I overreacting here? I HATE being in the middle of this. But I'm the trusted kid, the one who holds things together, who keeps the necessary secrets and is there whenever anyone has a crisis. I've had enough. If my brother wants to keep things to himself I think that's his right. I don't want to know about it unless he wants to tell me. And I'm not going to tell anyone else unless he tells me to. Is this a reasonable response? I could KILL my sister right now. We don't get along generally anway but to know that she's blabbing things around the family that we have intentionally been trying to keep quiet is bugging the sh*t out of me.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Can I divorce my family? I've had enough of the whole lot of them, to be honest. I was a miserable kid, felt unworthy of life my whole life and now everyone depends on me. No wonder I'm always depressed..

He didn't want you to tell anyone but you told your parents. Now your mad because they told your sister?
 
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