Levigirl is offline Levigirl Post #1  August 15,2009, 7:12pm
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Hi everyone...

I'm having some family issues that have been going on for some time now and I'm feel like I'm at the end of my rope with it all...

I was in a 20yr relationship that ended in a divorce. I have been away from him for almost 7 years now. Right after I left him He moved in with my sister and brother in law. He lived there through the entire divorce and finally moved in with his mother a couple week afterwards. That put a wedge in my relationship with my sister (really the whole family). Her defence was that he has no where to go and we can't just though him out. I felt it was a huge conflict of interest. Consequently my kids and I moved away (three hours away). After he left things slowly started to resolve it's self but, always and underline issue with "he's been a part of out family for a long time & we just can't disregard that"

Up until the last year things have been ok (I guess) they cover for him regarding his obligation to his kids, they have regular movie dates i.e with my my brother, dad and brother in law, etc. which I have tolerated. I must add that I'm never invited to the movies with them even when I ask my dad or brother they have other things going on (remember I live 3 hours way and don't get to see them all the much, my ex lives close to them) there have have been a few other things but in the past year things have became almost unbearable for me.

A year ago when my brother got married they gave him an assigned seat in the front . Mine was in at least the 3rd row. I was pretty hurt but covered it up as I didn't want to ruin my brothers wedding. earlier this summer my sister invited me and the boys to go to a six flags she ended up having my ex and the kids go with him and totally disregarded me. that really hurt me (this just happened a couple months ago) Today is my niece 18th birthday I saw him in the invite list ( here father wasn't even invited) each on of there incidents was with each one of my three siblings.

I feel that they have totally disregarded my feeling. If it weren't for the kids I would have walked away way back when he was living with my sister but, I have not wanted the kids to suffer because of all this. I would really miss my nephews and niece so. I realize that there is going to be some communication between them but they have basically choosing water over blood. I have tried talking to them about it but they feel that it's my problem.

Today I'm ready to give them an ultimatum him or me. It hurts so bad. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I would have never in a million years thought they would react this way. I'm afraid to talk to people about it as I'm afraid they will judge me and think I'm a bad person to have my family respond this way.

There are somether things I could go on about but, I think you get the idea. put yourself in my shoes and really give this some thought. I'm ready to write them a "Dear john letter"

-


 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  August 16,2009, 3:10am
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There have been a few times where I felt pushed into the position of giving an ultimatum. It backfired badly each time ... on me. I've never been married, nor do I have children. Three things stood out to me in your post:

1. He is the father of your children. He is (hopefully for your children) always going to be a big part of your life.

2. Your family members have known him ... and it sounds like befriended/loved/accepted him for a very long time.

3. You speak of feeling hurt on a few occasions and that also each time, you covered over your pain. You wrote you tried to talk about your feelings .. what do you mean by 'tried'? You never finished explaining your concerns, feelings and thoughts? They heard you out but didn't understand how much of an issue this is for you?

Families and relationships are quite complex. My youngest sister is married. My brother-in-law is treated as if he were a flesh and blood brother. My parents treat him like their son, not their son-in-law. If he and my sister were to separate, I would maintain my relationship with him. So would my other sibling and our parents. Family is family ... whether via blood or not. Is it possible your family think similarly?
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #3  August 16,2009, 8:07am
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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All I can say is ultimatums a really bad high risks. It sounds as if the relationship you have with your family is already strained. Are you prepared to loose it completely if they choose him? And how will that impact your children (even if your children are now older)?
 
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