Ex is poisoning the mind of our children - what to do?


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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #11  July 13,2009, 4:56am
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sc4me, I can only add to the support and advice you have already received.

Of course you have a right to know what these "issues" are. That nothing has been forthcoming speaks volumes. How can you address a situation that you are unaware of? And yes, as another poster pointed out, there are two sides to every story but unless your children are in physical or mental harm (and I know they are not!) your ex has no reason at all to prevent you from seeing your children. Your ex using your daughter as a go-between says a lot too. It's an ugly, heartbreaking situation.

As for your 21 year old, while he is an adult, if he is living with mum with no income and no car, he is pretty much limited in his options.

Everyone gave great advice. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably go the route Laced suggested. Going to court is expensive. Possibly your ex realises your reluctance to do so because of the cost so is taking advantage of the situation. Maybe calling her bluff might be all you need but you should be prepared to follow through if necessary. Or you can just continue as you are, letting your children know that you love them and miss them. Whether you speak with them directly or not, leave messages and emails.

I'm glad you are here. At least you know you have our support. Don't give up hope.
 
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PinkFlumingo is offline PinkFlumingo Post #12  July 13,2009, 9:27am
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sc4me

If it applies in your state, petition the courts to appoint a guardian ad litem for your children - this is an attorney who will represent their interests. In some states there are very reasonable charges - and I think some states provide them for free.

Even though your attorney estimates 15k to deal with this problem, you can file a request for modification yourself and just pay the filing fees. While I would not recommend following through on your own without the advice of any attorney, sometimes just getting the ball rolling in court will get the offending ex's attention and prompt them to be more agreeable to a co-parenting relationship. If not, then let your attorney take over - this approach will save you a little up front and may accomplish something.

A word of encouragement though. Kids are not stupid - they are watching and in time will figure out who behaved and who did not, and who had their best interests at heart. In time, and it may not be now, your ex will regret her behavior.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #13  July 14,2009, 9:07pm
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I have been through similar problems with my ex, however, my kids do live with me. Whenever he has the children, he calls me names in front of them, criticizes every decision I make, anything he can think of to try to make me look bad. I, on the other hand, made a conscious decision to not let my children hear bad things about him from me. Most recently, he has been telling my 13 year old that she should always have anything she ever wants because he gives me SO much money. Of course, this amount has never changed in the 7 years we've been divorced!

Like someone else mentioned, my daughter will often go to my mom when she hears something particularly distressing. After one of their last visits, she came to me to tell me that he calls me names (Words that she doesn't hear at home, I might add!) and what he was telling her about the money. She questioned me about it, so I gave her direct answers without being inflammatory, I think & hope. She is figuring out that things are not always the way he describes.

We faced serious problems with telephone calls, as well. He would call me and scream obscenities frequently. He would tell the kids that he couldn't see them because I wouldn't let him, which was totally untrue. I eventually bought a recorder so that I could have a record of some of these phone calls and so that I could prove that I was staying cool throughout his diatribes.

One piece of advice that I have is something I was told by an attorney during this time. Early on, we were faced with the issue of him making plans to pick up the children, then not showing up and denying that the plans had been made. The attorney told me to make note of this on a calendar because that would have more weight in court than a running log.

I know your situation is different because you aren't the custodial parent, but know that others have been through these issues. It's small consolation, I know, but take hope that eventually the kids will figure out the truth for themselves. Hang in there!
 
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coastalmom is offline coastalmom Post #14  July 14,2009, 9:32pm

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I've been there. You have to be the sane, stable parent. Take the high road, and be the best parent you can be when you have your kids. As for standing your ground on the transportation issues and not driving all the way when she flakes, that will only hurt your kids. Sometimes you have to eat a lot of crow when it comes to making sure your kids are in the best possible situation.
 
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Mooky is offline Mooky Post #15  July 14,2009, 10:16pm
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sc4me wrote :
My choices are: (1) take her to court (very expensive) (2) keep trying to work it out with her and just ignore her outbursts (3) stand my ground even if it means I see my children less (and worry about explaining it to them when they are older) (4) try to talk to my children now to find out what is going on; ie, what are the issues they have with me. I worry about #4 because I will be doing what she is doing; that is, using the children as a weapon. So far I have managed to avoid that. (I refuse to talk about their mother when I am with them)

I would appreciate some advice.

Thanks
I doubt any court will order her to meet you half way so pursing a legal solution will only end up being costly and frustrating for you. Also such legal action carries the risk of cementing the negative image of you she is trying to instill in your children.

There is a fifth option, move back, or closer, to where your children live. This may not be an ideal solution, but if you want any kind of meaningful relationship with your children you'll find a way.
Last edited by Mooky; July 14,2009 at 10:22pm.
 
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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #16  July 16,2009, 11:14am
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Do you have a relationship with your 21 year old that does not involve communicating with your ex. for visitation? Does your 21 year old drive? Have a car? A cell phone? Do your other children have a cell phone? Do you call them on a regular basis? Could your 21 year old drive the other children to your house some of the time?
 
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emerraald is offline emerraald Post #17  August 5,2009, 5:06pm
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Hi
For the 21 year old that will not talk to you, stop paying for his school, he wil call you right away. He is being disrespectfuly. Make some changes, have the other children take a train or bus for a visit. they might think it is fun. Mom can pay for it out of her child support.
My ex payed for nothing extra child support that was it. Not a hair cut, pair a shoes, nothing.
Good luck
 
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