PosiTiv65 is offline PosiTiv65 Post #1  October 29,2008, 7:10pm
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From what I hear, every one of us has, as a child, bullied someone or been bullied. Which end were you on? What did you do to stop it? What about from a parent's perspective - anyone have some advice on how to nip this in the bud?


We've got a little Eddie Haskell in the picture who used to be friends with my sons. For no apparent reason (or at least none that is being shared), he no longer likes one son but is trying very hard to stay friends with the other one. It's at the stage where he's ignoring son #1 - excluding him from conversations etc. Nothing physical. No verbal attacks -yet. More snide side comments made about him - "generic" stuff - like "he's not cool/funny" etc.


And does it make me a horrible mom because I want to wipe that smirk off the little twerp's face every time I see him!!! (especially since his parents think their little church going boy scout is perfect!)


Where do you draw the line between stepping in and letting him handle this on his own? For now, I've explained that while not everyone is going to be friends with each other and that's ok - it's not ok to be mean, rude, obnoxious etc. However, if he gets verbally attacked - he's free to defend himself. Problem is the kid is too darn nice (not just my biased view - but that of teachers and friends as well) to be mean to anyone intentionally.


Thoughts?
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #2  October 29,2008, 7:44pm
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First of all, NO you are not wrong for wanting to wipe the smirk off the punk-nose face! It's your baby he's picking on, and it's only natural!!!


I think it's just something you and he have to weather. Eventually this kid will get bored and move on to someone else. It's best to teach your own children not to let stuff like this bother them. As hard as it is for them. Teach them that drama is not a way of life. And to be nice and try to be friends with everyone. I know it's hard...but it's the best advice.


Now if it becomes physical...that's another story!
 
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rider4life is offline rider4life Post #3  October 30,2008, 7:08am
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m8se69,314446 wrote :

First of all, NO you are not wrong for wanting to wipe the smirk off the punk-nose face! It's your baby he's picking on, and it's only natural!!!


I think it's just something you and he have to weather. Eventually this kid will get bored and move on to someone else. It's best to teach your own children not to let stuff like this bother them. As hard as it is for them. Teach them that drama is not a way of life. And to be nice and try to be friends with everyone. I know it's hard...but it's the best advice.


Now if it becomes physical...that's another story!
Excellent advice +1
 
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renewedguy is offline renewedguy Post #4  October 30,2008, 2:33pm
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PosiTiv65, wrote :

From what I hear, every one of us has, as a child, bullied someone or been bullied. Which end were you on? What did you do to stop it? What about from a parent's perspective - anyone have some advice on how to nip this in the bud?


We've got a little Eddie Haskell in the picture who used to be friends with my sons. For no apparent reason (or at least none that is being shared), he no longer likes one son but is trying very hard to stay friends with the other one. It's at the stage where he's ignoring son #1 - excluding him from conversations etc. Nothing physical. No verbal attacks -yet. More snide side comments made about him - "generic" stuff - like "he's not cool/funny" etc.


And does it make me a horrible mom because I want to wipe that smirk off the little twerp's face every time I see him!!! (especially since his parents think their little church going boy scout is perfect!)


Where do you draw the line between stepping in and letting him handle this on his own? For now, I've explained that while not everyone is going to be friends with each other and that's ok - it's not ok to be mean, rude, obnoxious etc. However, if he gets verbally attacked - he's free to defend himself. Problem is the kid is too darn nice (not just my biased view - but that of teachers and friends as well) to be mean to anyone intentionally.


Thoughts?




I couldn't help reading this forum and want to put in my two cents worth. I was first aware of being bullied when I was in second grade while attending a special classroom for hearing-impaired students. During recess and lunch periods, lots of students (all boys) chased me around and shoved me into mud puddles. As I got older, I still didn't understand why so many students were "picking" on me. One day, a teacher asked me to try something - to try and tease that person back. I tried the teacher's suggestion and guess what?! - it worked! The students were expecting me to tease or flirt them back as a way of being accepted and notto bully me around.


My suggestion would be to have your son who was "left out" do something kind-hearted such as inviting him (the bully) to a party or an event. This might show the bully that your son wants to be accepted by everyone including the bully. Having your "left out" son teasing or flirting back to the bully might also show that your son wantsthe bullyto accept him. Another suggestion is to find out what's going on in the bully's life at home. Perhaps he's picking on everyone to make himself feel good or he may be "screaming" for help at home when there's been a divorce or some other serious family matter. He may not know how to deal with that hurting and turns to picking on people to soothe that hurting.
 
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PosiTiv65 is offline PosiTiv65 Post #5  October 30,2008, 4:25pm
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Thanks for the feedback. Lots of details left out in the OP due to time/frustration.


My sons are twins. They have been friends with this brat for all of their lives - lives next door. I've always thought he was "odd", but they got along fine so all was well. Then within the last few months, the brat has been doing things he knows will hurt Son #1 - like ignoring him while conversing with Son 2. Making snide remarks when Son 1 jokes around with him. When Son 1 says hello to him (after being ignored), the brat grunts or ignores him some more.


They hang around the same group of friends (10 or so boys)- and so far Son # 1 is the only one the brat is trying to pick on. Son 1 is an "old soul" who honestly thinks about what other people are feeling - almost more than he does himself. And while I know that will be a great trait in a grown man, it's tough for a 12 yr old. His twin is the opposite - everything runs off his back - takes nothing personally. Has no problem "giving it right back".


Son 1 will, however, defend someone else he feels is being picked on - but somehow has not yet applied that skill to defending himself. The ex wants to tell him to put the brat in his place - yet I am the one telling him to try to ignore it - just keep being nice etc. But I can see it hurts his feelings to have a "friend" suddenly turn on him without warning. It may be different for boys (not sure, never been one of them!), but I think the brat has been feeling like he's at the bottom of the pecking order and is trying to pass that on to someone else. I think I'd like it better if he were just out and out a brat - but he hides it well. Perfect kid when his parents/teachers are around.


I just don't want to be one of "those moms". I don't want to make things worse (I certainly could have a chat with the brat's parents - I know them well enough). Other people say it's just boys being boys - but it still bothers me to see my son hurt by this. Can you really teach someone to have "thick skin"??
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #6  October 30,2008, 5:33pm
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"Thick Skin" has to grow on you...(pun intended)


If son #1 is the only one being left out, then something happened. Your son may not even know what is was. You didn't mention the age of your children (unless I missed it). I don't think it's "Boys will be Boys", but "Kids will be Kids".


My son is 5, and there are 8 children that are in the neighborhood (no more than 2 houses apart from each other) all in the same age group. I can see the "trouble" starting all ready, and they are only in kindergarten. Sometimes it's even my son who says something out of line. (I correct him immediately) They all do it.


When "tattling" starts, I tell them all that I don't see any halos above anyone's head, so unless someone is hurt or bleeding, I don't want to hear it.


Boys usually have a way of beating each other up, and then forgetting about it 5 minutes later. I would advise getting to the bottom of it, and moving on to the next thing.
 
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LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #7  October 30,2008, 5:53pm

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if someone tries to threaten me with violence... the first thing i'm going to do is punch them in the face or apply the 'castle doctrine'.


after that, it doesn't matter who wins or who lost.


the azzhole will have noted my point.


end of lesson.
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #8  October 30,2008, 6:00pm
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LonelyStarState,315601 wrote :

if someone tries to threaten me with violence... the first thing i'm going to do is punch them in the face or apply the 'castle doctrine'.


after that, it doesn't matter who wins or who lost.


the azzhole will have noted my point.


end of lesson.
ohh...what's the "castle doctrine"...I wanna be able to apply that too!
 
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brixjnz is online now brixjnz Post #9  October 30,2008, 6:28pm
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I was never bullied nor was I ever a bully. I was, however, a big sister. And my father told me that if anyone ever messed with my little sister then I'd better jump in and do something or I was gonna get it when I got home. Your sons need to learn now that it's them against the world. There is no way that some little snot-nosed sumunabitch should be bullying son #1 in ANY way without son #2 stepping in and shutting it completely down, and vice versa. Bullying is never okay. Allowing your sibling to be bullied is completely unacceptable. One for all and all for one. If that wretched little monster can't be nice to both boys then he shouldn't be allowed to be friends with either. There is nothing that says you have to allow that %$*&@(%@ into your home to passively abuse your son. Home is his safe place. Don't allow anyone who is harmful to him into his safe place.


I understand your desire to kick the SHAT out of that little bAs tard. I've been there. But you can't do that without arrest. Your sons can work it out on their own though, if they stick together. And if they can learn to stick together now, they'll stick together for the rest of their lives.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #10  October 30,2008, 6:48pm
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PosiTiv65,315504 wrote :


Thanks for the feedback. Lots of details left out in the OP due to time/frustration.


My sons are twins. They have been friends with this brat for all of their lives - lives next door. I've always thought he was "odd", but they got along fine so all was well. Then within the last few months, the brat has been doing things he knows will hurt Son #1 - like ignoring him while conversing with Son 2. Making snide remarks when Son 1 jokes around with him. When Son 1 says hello to him (after being ignored), the brat grunts or ignores him some more.


They hang around the same group of friends (10 or so boys)- and so far Son # 1 is the only one the brat is trying to pick on. Son 1 is an "old soul" who honestly thinks about what other people are feeling - almost more than he does himself. And while I know that will be a great trait in a grown man, it's tough for a 12 yr old. His twin is the opposite - everything runs off his back - takes nothing personally. Has no problem "giving it right back".


Son 1 will, however, defend someone else he feels is being picked on - but somehow has not yet applied that skill to defending himself. The ex wants to tell him to put the brat in his place - yet I am the one telling him to try to ignore it - just keep being nice etc. But I can see it hurts his feelings to have a "friend" suddenly turn on him without warning. It may be different for boys (not sure, never been one of them!), but I think the brat has been feeling like he's at the bottom of the pecking order and is trying to pass that on to someone else. I think I'd like it better if he were just out and out a brat - but he hides it well. Perfect kid when his parents/teachers are around.


I just don't want to be one of "those moms". I don't want to make things worse (I certainly could have a chat with the brat's parents - I know them well enough). Other people say it's just boys being boys - but it still bothers me to see my son hurt by this. Can you really teach someone to have "thick skin"??





Sounds like a tough situation. I think the best thing you can teach your son is that he is going to have to deal with people like this throughout his entire life. Explain to him that it is definitely not him, and that the other child's behavior is unacceptable. The first thing I would do is to teach him to have some good, solid boundaries and to back away from this type of behavior. It's better to have no friends at all than to have friends like this boy you are explaining. There is a possiblity that if your son backs away and has nothing to do with this boy when he behaves in that manner then he will stop. This is tough because your sons are twins. I'd have the "we have to choose our friends carefully" conversation with your other son and suggest that he, too, back away the next time this boy begins to treat your other son that way. He could say something like, "you know, if you are going to choose to treat my brother that way I am going to choose to not be around you." Or, he could just say nothing at all and both of your boys could walk away. That said, being that this is your neighbor, I'd consider having a talk with the boys parents (depending on the ages of the boys and your relationship with your neighbors).


Mean people suck!
 
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