Collector's Edition of Leaves of Grass


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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #1  February 20,2010, 4:48pm
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There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

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Collector’s Edition of Leaves of Grass:

The border and backing were bumpy with ridges
Brown it was and in front was a smooth pic of Walt
Black and white pic of Walt young and etched
A hardcover copy of a paperback I owned.

You thought the cover would impress me
As it impressed you
But the inside had already impressed me
From a paperback copy with the backing cracked
And pages with ear marks
Having been opened and flattened with every glance.

My response, “Thanks”
Not because you gave me that collector’s copy did I respond
But because when I first met you
You wore pink spaghetti straps over a baby blue satin dress
Your hair was so blond it was white,
the rims around your glasses were red
Your frame was thin your hips were above my waist
Your face was narrow and your nose was thin

Nothing Greek, Roman or Renaissance could I compare you to
Of all the art I had see you were the most beautiful

When you first opened the door to your dorm I stared
And your response was to look at me, look away
To your left and to your right and say,
“Is there something wrong.”
“No, nothing wrong. I’m sorry I just had a thought.”

And you said,
“Well that thought makes you look at me funny.”
And I said
“Sorry it is just a thought.”

In one of the two classes we shared I said,
“Whitman’s transcendence is his poetry fought
The conventional poetry of tradition in his time.”
And your response was to argue that it was not
And we fought about that thought
In front of the class bewildered by what they witnessed
Then I gave it up and stopped.

After class I asked, “Would you like to have some coffee
At the local coffee shop”
And you said, “No, I don’t drink coffee.”
And then you paused, “But I would like some tea.”
And then you said “yes, tea would be fine but I must go to the lady’s room
Wait while I will be back.”
And I stood in the lobby of our lecture class
And you walked out of the lady’s room
And your lips were a brighter pink and your cheeks were a sharper red

We sat in the tea shop together
And you said,

“You know you don’t talk much to anyone
It would be better if you talked more
You are missing out on meeting so many special people.”

And I said,
“What do you think I’m doing now,
Meeting someone special.”
And your response was to roll your eyes and blush
And in a few months you would give me that copy of Whitman
Over which we had fought.
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #2  February 20,2010, 9:36pm
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wants to be half as good as grandad was.

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I can be a bit nit picky as a critic, so be forewarned. Everything I say is how I view it, and I stand by it. You take what advice seems good to you and throw out the rest. These are opinions, not the end-all be-all final word. Here is my dissection:

Theme: the author presents the dichotomy of working from the inside out, as in Whitman, to the outside in, as in woman.

Style: open, little physical structure.

Sound and tone, diction and connotation:

Good alliteration in places: line 1 b’s for example (there’s a magic in threes), but the “ridges”, I wonder. The word brings to mind potato chips to me, which may be just a personal impression.

I also wonder about the use of the word “pic” (s1 l2,l3). It jars. It belongs on a backlit screen, not the printed page.

In s2 l4, good use of sound and connotation. s2 l5 seems a little strange- I think it might be the “And” at the beginning. There is a big intake of breath there- like the line before needed a period to make separate it from the next line. Just a thought.

s3 first three lines do not flow for me. I get the information, but it is just text to me- perhaps I am missing something. l4 & l5 describe, which is fine, but I see an opportunity for metaphor (like a synecdoche), in mirroring the description of the woman you are speaking to and her glasses- rims/frame. Repetition of the word “thin” draws a parallel between “nose” and “hips” which I believe was unintended. I may be missing something there, too.

s4 l2 you want to say “seen” instead of “see” I think. The esses in Renaissance stand out amongst the ‘k’ sounds in Greek, could, and compare, which allow the “to” its place. “Beautiful” has no sounds to accompany it in these two lines, which seems a shame.

s5 I still feel that “And” takes a breath. It needs a period, a comma, some punctuation or something to allow it to stand. Just my thoughts but “And” opens a stanza better than a line- when it opens a line I look at it strangely. s5 l5 could be broken up into three breaths- wrong./…sorry/ … thought. That’s just how I read it.

s6 l2 comes out in a rush amidst the brevity of its fellows. A comma, a line break I wonder?

s7 l1 exhibits a nice sound, it flows. s7 l2 ends on three strong syllables, which seems harsh in comparison- compare to the four that end l3: “that it was not.” Much easier. s7 l6 there is a breath between “class” and “bewildered” which falls within the line. Since it is the only one in this stanza, it stands out, and I had to read it twice because I stumbled on that part. Last line hammers- bunch of strong syllables and consonants.

Three “ands” in s8 l3-5 work- but s8 l2 needs punctuation. l5 sounds like a break between “fine/but-” punctuate/break for breath? l6 sounds weird- “wait while I will” needs something to make it make more sense, I think. l7-9 are “ands” without breath- “as” and commas might work, something to smooth it out a bit more. Whatever works for you.

s10 l3 works, but the first two- perhaps punctuate between “know/you”? I don’t know.

s11 l5 rushes a bit toward the end. A break between “me/that” could help.

Overall: not too bad. Open form is a great deal more difficult to work in than closed. There were a few good images in there, and some good sound devices. Open form poems need something to tie them tight together, though. If you want to polish your poem, look at ways to reinforce your theme and make the words flow cleanly. I’d suggest saying your poems aloud, and listening to how it sounds. Also, sleep on a poem or spend a few days away from it every now and again. When you come back to it, keep a notebook and write down what images pop up in your mind and what phrase they are attached to. Just my thoughts.

Endnote: I’ll probably get to the other one later. Criticism takes time, and I like to start with a clean slate on each piece.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  February 21,2010, 9:43am
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This one was harder for me. I think part of it may be as Wootz suggests – that free form is just a more difficult style. The other is that it took me a bit into the poem to figure out what the theme was. Maybe just poor comprehension on my part, or maybe some polishing and clarification on the theme might make it more transparent.

That said, there are a few things I’ll address.

[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]The images you present are vivid and this is good. It’s always good when someone writes and I can see the acts taking place in my mind.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; February 21,2010 at 9:47am.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #4  February 21,2010, 12:15pm
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There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

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Thanks Wootz and Littlebluemonkeymind, you guys are geniuses! I love you both. Thank you once again for reading the poem and the tips.
 
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