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THX11386 wrote :
I've been told that I'm intimidating to men, but I honestly don't know why.
Are you outspoken or even disagree? Do you challenge them or ask them questions that make them feel they're being interviewed? (those would typically be "why" questions).
- November 3rd, 2009, 05:36 pm
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handsomeItalian wrote :
Do you ever get the feeling that being a well-rounded, cultured person who enjoys good insightful conversation about any topic sometimes intimidates others or turns them away?
Absolutely... and one possible reason is that you're reading them wrong. They don't want to be impressed with your brilliance...they want to be validated through you listening and showing that you get what they want and are willing to appease them.

If you're a $50 steak and the other person is a vegan what good are you?

This is going to be 10x so on a first date (or conversation) which are mostly about making her feel adored. That's really it. If she initiates an intellectual discussion, fine, but you don't. You're job is to inquire, listen, acknowledge, and react in a non-combative manner. If that person likes and is willing to not feel threatened by being challenged (which takes alot of trust and not typically happening on a first date) then you can pursue conversations about values and such.

(And of course none of this is a hard rule but it's my experience and I think it captures most common experiences.)
- November 3rd, 2009, 05:44 pm
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WeDesignOurLives wrote :
Are you outspoken or even disagree? Do you challenge them or ask them questions that make them feel they're being interviewed? (those would typically be "why" questions).
You raise some obvious questions WDOL, but I wonder if from the start, maybe that's just a male thing to try to analyze and "figure things out ", just like "Handsome's" thread basically is here.

Whereas for some reason, I usually don't get the sense that when women complain about stuff like this, that they really have much interest in "analyzing" or "fixing" it, beyond just putting it "out there".

Or maybe I'm wrong there (wouldn't be the first time...)!
- November 3rd, 2009, 06:01 pm
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ming_on_mongo wrote :
Whereas for some reason, I usually don't get the sense that when women complain about stuff like this
Well they don't ... they don't have to... what are they trying to make work?... what are they pursuing?

Men tend to want agreement and women more frequently clarity (or so It think today).
- November 3rd, 2009, 10:11 pm
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WeDesignOurLives wrote :
Men tend to want agreement and women more frequently clarity (or so It think today).
In general, I would say that's true.
- November 3rd, 2009, 10:28 pm
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"Men tend to want agreement and women more frequently clarity (or so It think today)."
chawks64 wrote :
In general, I would say that's true.
If that's so, I understand the purpose of "agreement", but I don't understand the purpose of "clarity" (i.e. how does it change things or what are you supposed to do with it?).

Or maybe that's the point (and the real difference), that for a "feeling", there doesn't need to be a "purpose", or even an explanation. So maybe from a woman's point of view, "I just feel like I'm intimidating"... is all there needs to be, end of discussion.

Geez, sounds kinda Zen-like... "what's the sound of one woman complaining...?"
- November 4th, 2009, 07:22 am
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ming_on_mongo wrote :
"Men tend to want agreement and women more frequently clarity (or so It think today)."

If that's so, I understand the purpose of "agreement", but I don't understand the purpose of "clarity" (i.e. how does it change things or what are you supposed to do with it?).
When women are arguing, they are often venting. They are looking for commiseration and a better mental/emotional grasp of the situation. They like to "talk through" issues, even if there isn't an immediate resolution.

When men are complaining, they tend do be looking for confirmation that they are right. They don't want to talk about something if there is not going to come to an agreement somewhere down the road.

Of course, these are all outrageous generalizations, so they don't apply to everyone and are only worth what you paid for them.
- November 4th, 2009, 05:10 pm
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Interesting, agreed.... sounds like "process-" vs "goal-oriented".
- November 4th, 2009, 05:49 pm
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chawks64 wrote :
these are all outrageous generalizations, so they don't apply to everyone and are only worth what you paid for them.
There's nothing wrong with generalizations and it's not outrageous because there's plenty of evidence for it.
- November 4th, 2009, 08:12 pm
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Well, no.

But then I got feedback that people find me intimidating. Interesting.

Later, I went through a leadership course in which the person leading the session informed me that I was 'scary high status'. I thought he was hilarious and laughed fit to burst. Not one of my colleagues present laughed along with me!
- November 7th, 2009, 12:46 am
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